Hoping there are other people out there with this who can understand how I feel....
In my late teens/early twenties I had a number of periods of depression/postnatal depression, which has largely now disappeared. I've been off ADs for about 6 years, which I feel great about and although I do feel down from time to time, mostly I feel very able to 'cope' with life.
Mixed in with the depression was anxiety and obsessional thoughts, and although the depression has more or less disappeared, I still have periods of extreme anxiety and obsessional thoughts. There's no one thing that I feel anxious about, but it mostly revolves around health anxieties and money worries. I go through periods of a few days or weeks where I just CANNOT stop thinking about something, I will go over and over things in my head to the extent that I can't sleep or eat and feel shaky and panicky.
I don't feel depressed as such, but sometimes the thought crosses my mind that it would be better to be dead than have this constant stream of thoughts going through my head.
Generally I manage to block the thoughts after a few days, but little things can tip me back over the edge into worrying obsessively. It has got to the stage that I physically can't check my bank balance or credit card statements because I end up obsessing over whether I've spent too much money, despite being obsessively careful with money. Fortunately I have an understand dh who handles this side of our finances, but I feel desperately ashamed that as an otherwise mature, responsible adult I can't cope with looking at a bank statement ffs!
I have considered starting on ADs again, but I hate the way they make me feel, affect my sex life and cause sleep disturbances for the first few weeks. I've had Lofepramine, Dothiepin, Fluoxetine, Citalopram and Paroxetine in the past, but perhaps another kind wouldn't affect me so badly? Or maybe I should just learn to cope with these thoughts - I hat ethe idea of being on drugs for the rest of my life
Phew, that was really long, it's helped to get it all down. Anyone out there who understands what I'm going through or offer any encouragement that it is possible to have a life without thoughts in your head driving you crazy?