Passive Aggressive Partner

[PrimroseHall]

A therapist once told me that DP was a master of passive aggression. I thought it was OTT and that he was just a bit difficult so forgot about it.

Lately I've found his inability to answer a simple question with a definite answer utterly infuriating. Also, his sarcastic 'bantering' about how inconsiderate I am, his refusal to do whatever he's promised to do and his imcompetence regarding his personal responsibilites are leaving me wound up and I end up reacting with outright aggression towards him.

Does anyone know what I mean here?

It's so hard to pull him up on any of these things as he acts dim and I end up feeling like a nagging, spiteful old cow, always on the attack against his defensiveness.

If I ever whinge about him to RL friends, even in a jesty way, I'm reminded that he doesn't drink, gamble, womanise, hit etc, and always works, helps with housework, shares in parenting DS etc. The problem is that it's always on his terms and he lets me down 99% of the time when I really, really need him to support me.

I could write so much about how bizarre his behaviour is but I wouldn't know where to start and stop.

Is anyone else trying to hold their temper while their partner deliberately, or so it seems, irritates the hell out of them?

Am off out now, but hopefully I'll have some replies when I get back. Otherwise I'll just assume that DP is a one-off.

Hello, yes I have this but with a couple of other significant people in my life, not my DH.

VERY potted history of how I learned to deal with it

Step one - work on my own self-esteem and learn to trust my judgement so that others would find it harder to make me doubt myself

Step two - Find ways to tell the person that "when you do X I feel Y" and repeating if necessary if you're met with a "don't know what you could possibly mean" attitude

Step three - remember that people who use passive aggression are all about the "evidence" and are deliberately vague or non-commital in order to avoid being held to account on anything. They are also masters of stamp-collecting "good" evidence and reputation. I don't have a solution to how to deal with this, and can even recognise it in myself. Just being aware of it as a pattern helps to take some of its power away, though.

Step four - have a look at how comfortable you are with anger yourself. You've said that you are more up for a barny than your partner is, but there must have been something about his reluctance to be explicitly angry that attracted you in the first place? Not a criticism at all as I can completely relate - just might be an interesting aspect to have a look at.

Finally, have a look at some Transactional Analysis texts. They are a great help when dealing with passive aggression, where evidence, stamp-collecting and game-playing form a large part of the picture.

Hope that helps.

Hi there. I think I know where you are coming from. OH is kind of like this too but no one believes me in RL as he is outwardly the most friendy, easy going guy and even when he does some snide things in front of other people (which is hardly ever) they don't even seem to notice cos he hides it sooooo well. Like he will make a comment that refers to a private issue we have or that casts up something from an argument we had days/weeks/months ago so that I get the dig but no one else notices. I have started to realise that it is to goad me into making a comment that sounds really bitchy and then he can go all open mouthed in feigned shock and look at his mum (he's a total mummies boy btw) as if "look at what I have to put up with mummy!" n she will just shake her head and smile as if "poor you son".

He once lined up every bottle I had in the bathroom (mouthwash, shampoo, conditioner, shower gel) in a row along the window sill. I was confused when I saw it and just put them back where they were. Later on, they were all lined up again in the same place. I asked him if there was something wrong and he totally went off on one saying that I had done it with his stuff the other day. He totally had a major go at me and said some really nasty stuff that I blanked out for some reason cos I can't remember the details now. Anyway, it turned out that I had been cleaning the bathroom during doing all the housework while he was at work and I had taken the bottles out of the shower to clean it. The phone rang so I went to answer it and as a result, I then forgot to put the bottles back. Totally never even realised. He chose to view this as a malicious act to disrespect him.

I have talked to a couple of people about it in RL who I thought I was close to but they seem to think I am exaggerating as he is soooooo different in front of people. He has been screaming at me when guests arrive at the door and he answers the door all smiles n even puts his arm round me when they come in as if nothing was going on. Everyone then thinks I am a weird n moody cow cos I am so quiet and stony faced for a while as I feel like telling them all "he was just screaming in my face when you were at the door - did you not hear him when you were outside???" but for some reason I don't say anything.

He is the same - good husband, works hard, doesn'tgo out with his mates all the time, good father etc but he just has this side to him that suddenly emerges out of the blue andhe actually scares me. I don't have many friends and my family is really, really not close. His family have never really accepted me either as I am quite quiet anyway so I worry that when he is being Mr Hyde, I am stuck as I have nowhere else to go.

Of course, when he is nice, everything is great and I start to think "am I exaggerating?"... I know I am not and am just burying my head in the sand but there you go...

Does this help at all? There is another thread along the same lines as this that you might like to read. I will post a link...

Thanks to GentlyDoesIt for a most positive and helpful post than mine...

Your advice is really great actually - thank you both for sharing. It is such a hard situation. Especially when you feel completely stuck and can't get anywhere with the other person.

OH does that - collects evidence against me but then when I say I am upset at him being nasty to me, he asks what I mean, what exactly has he done and "give me examples"?!?!? WTF. Give me examples. I said I could keep a notebook of all the things he does/says that upset me and read it out when we have the next fight but I dont think that would be too healthy. He would just deny it anyway as he has previously said stuff to me in a heated argument and then lied point blank to say he didn't say x,y,z when he just said it word for word 2 minutes ago. He just lies bare faced lies in that kind of situation and he has this gloating smug look on his face when he does it as if "what you gonna do about that then?"

I sometimes feel so stuck and lost. My self confidence is rock bottom and I have antidepressents that I still haven't taken and I am sure it is all because of him.

Again, he is really nice other times and it makes me disbelieve how nasty he can be. I think I am just fooling myself as I am too scared to have to start again or end up all alone...

Thanks both of you, you've given me lots to think about.

Nakushita, there are similarities between the two of them, but DP would never be outwardly aggressive. In the 12 or so years that we've been together I've seen him cry countless times, but he rarely, if ever, shouts or loses his temper. If I confront him about a problem he will lie, walk away and eventually go out.

Please have a think about the ADs you've been prescribed. Why do you think you're reluctant to take them?

I have to say that your OH sounds like a particularly nasty piece of work. I'm not surprised that you're self esteem is suffering.

GentlyDoesIt, you asked about how comfortable I am with expressed anger. You've hit on something important there. I'm easily intimidated by male aggression probably due to my parents volatile relationship. When I met DP I was enchanted by what I perceived to be self control. I knew that no matter what, he would never call me names or hit me, and I thought that was remarkable and extremely masculine.

Now I think that he just channels his anger in different ways to what I saw from my father when I was growing up. They might be polar opposites in how they express their feelings but neither is healthy and they both breed additional anger.

I am full of self doubt about my behaviour during disagreements. It is so exhausting to have to rephrase questions and ask them over and over trying to pin him down to a definite answer and I often lose my temper. I've ended up screaming in his face and accidently ripping shirts trying to keep him from walking away from me when we are talking. It's damaging for both of us. I worry that I'm just like my father, unable to control my temper. I'm not like that with anybody else though. When I'm being aggressive towards him I also feel terrified that he will physically lash out. I'm sure that has nothing to do with his behaviour and everything to do with what I saw during my childhood.

You're right about PAs using evidence as a way of avoiding committing. An example would be telling me that he'll do X after he's finished his drink. He'll then nurse a drink for the rest of the day and appears to not understand that he's not doing what he's promised to do. The only way to get him to follow through with promises is to order him to do it now and then do it with him. Then I'll be subjected to sarcasm about what a bossy cow I am and how I won't give him a chance to get on with things off his own steam.

He also collects evidence on me and presents it when I have pulled him up on something that I'd like him to change. For example, I'll ask him to stop whistling because I can't hear what DS is saying and he'll respond with "what about when you had the radio really loud when I was trying to sleep the other day". So we end up arguing about why he didn't just ask me to turn it down and everything takes twice as long to sort out. The option of just stopping doing something that is causing a problem is not available to him, or so it seems.

I'm going to google Transactional Analysis now as I've never heard of that before.

Thanks both of you.

This has struck a chord with me reminding me of my dh.
He is never wrong,always reflects questions and problems back to me,interferes when I haven't asked for help yet has let me down when I very much needed his help~and has never apologised.

Its not a happy state of affairs and I wouldn't rely on him again,only my own judgement.

Also he competes with me and point scores so we can't be proper friends/partners then.

It can be mind boggling actually as his reality is different to mine.