Firstly forgive me if I use politically incorrect terminology, ignorance and frustration may prevail.... I don;t think I will but...
I have 4 dcs, the youngest 6mth, oldest 7. The week after my dc4 was born my DH got a 75% pay cut and demotion, a complete prick has taken his place. All illegal but nothing we can do as he still earns more than he could elsewhere. My oldest DCs are having to leave their school and I thought we'd lose our house.... thank the lord or mortgage is a tracker! DC4 has had acid reflux and been a very difficult baby, crying a lot (all of the time). This has improved a lot in the last month but his crying fills my whole head with noise and it feels like a physical presence in my head..like it's crushing my brain.
My DH is a wanker, calls me lots of names cunt, slag, fat bitch etc and I'm not sure I love him anymore, I'm not sure I ever did.
My oldest DCs have witnessed lots of arguing and fight all of the time, they are boys a year apart.
My house gets into a complete state and although it can look lovely it is only this way once or twice a month, the rest of the time I'm catching up badly. I hear myself muttering how much I hate my life, and have even said to my older boys tonight, who are still only very young, that I think they may behave for another Mummy. I know this is terrible and I feel dreadful, but they had shouted and screamed for 1 hour and then dc1 had left a deep red mark on dc2.
I rarely smile, even when they do nice things, cute things... I do smile at my baby and dc3(2) but even that's not that often.
I cannot take much more of this, I sometimes think (although wouldn't) about driving into a wall or even head butting it and have wondered how much relief self harm can do.... although am way too squeamish.
Is this depression? Or have I just got too much to deal with?