any advice as to what I do now?

[GreenGables]

When I was first diagnosed with depression my GP thought I would be able to come off them within six months. Almost a year later and a dosage increase I can't see that I will ever be able to live a normal live.
Although I no longer feel like I am slipping into complete insanity, I am still unable to function at a normal level.

I am less ratty with the children and far less anxious and the feeling of complete hopelessness has eased considerably and I am no longer laying down to sleep every night wishing never to wake up again - so I really feel that I have made significant progress, but I know it has not gone completely and I am scared that depression will always be lurking in the background waiting to completely take over my mind again.

I want to get well enough to find 'me' again, to find the woman who has the strength and knowledge and determination to tackle anything - right now the ironing pile and the grocery shop scare me, let alone opening bills/keeping up correspondence with friends and family!

HOW do I return to normality? What steps do I need to take now?

(Forgive me if this post seems terribly shallow (and long winded) but I am 10 years on from depression and really don't have problems anymore, so I may have forgotten how awful it is to be so ill)

I had a terrible time years ago, from 1991 to 2000. No kids during that time though. I had endless anti-depressants, lost count of the number of shrinks I saw, many suicide attempts, my arms are covered in scars now and had a night in a psychiatric ward . But the thing that finally worked for me was exercise and a lot of it. I got to the stage where I just felt numb and decided to take a different approach. I did an easy yoga course at a local village hall (it was full of old ladies) then when I realised it was doing me good (calmer, more streamlined hips) I took the plunge and started kickboxing. I never looked back and got better and fitter. TBH I found a small gym addiction + aching muscles was a small price to pay for feeling in charge of my life again. The exercise helped me sleep and aching muscles often took my mind off being depressed. So far this year has been crap for me (separated from XP, 2 small DC's, hysterectomy in the summer) but while I am exhausted and stressed the depression hasn't even snuck back a tiny bit, and I wonder if I have 'killed' it off completely by becoming a bit tougher and healthier.

I feel able to cope with whatever life throws at me. I just think I've survived 100's of punishing (but fun) martial arts workouts so I can cope with anything. Please don't think I was Miss Sporty before all this, I was usually last to be picked for school teams and was beyond rubbish at PE and used to skive off it . I feel I've found the real me now.

I know gyms cost money but local authority ones can be fab and not too expensive (I belong to one). But community centres do classes too so hopefully there's something you might be able to do.

Thank you Meglet your post doesn't seem shallow! It is nice to hear that I may not be stuck like this for ever! I already exercise a great deal, but I haven't been physically achy after exercise for a long time! I have just realised how much I miss that exhausted but contented feeling!

When do I accept that tablets alone aren't enough and what is the next step?

GreenGables - no answers but wanted to let you know you are not alone. I have been on a higher dose for the last 2 months after falling back into depression 17 months ago and trying, unsuccesfully, to come off the pills ever since then it feels.

A lot of people on here say they have been on anti Ds for years and liken it to insulin for diabetices - if that is what it takes to keep you well, then so be it as it were. Easier said than done tho, I even stopped my pills this time after only 6 weeks as I felt fed up and hopeless at work.

Just try and persevere and talk to your GP if the pills are not doing the job fully - there may be more he can do; have you tried counsellling / cognitive beahviour therapy, a lot of people find it helpful?

One thing my counsellor asked me to do was write down my journey so I could actually see how far I had come - sounds like you have come a long way already so maybe this would remind you of that and be the boost you need?

I would second exercise too, I did a lot of walking last year when I got a bit better, and it did help. Problem was keeping it up with two young children and dh away lots

Hope you feel better soon

Obviously don't just bin the tablets! But you could speak to your shrink / gp and say that you would rather not stay on them for ever and can they help suggest a long term plan to cut back. Are you in a big town / city where you have a big choice of exercise and activites. I just picked yoga and martial arts as I'd always fancied it, if you can afford it why not pick something that you really fancy doing? (If money was no object I'd be off horse riding and rock climbing ).

Do you not have a therapist? I had to fight tooth and nail to get one, but it helped more than tablets.

It sounds like you've had a signifiant improvement whilst on your meds but I'm wondering if you are on the right tablets or would benefit from extra therapy of some kind. The first two types of AD I tried did nothing for me(prescribed by a GP). It took a referral to a psychiatrist to get the right combination of two different tablets to really get me back on track.GP's are fantastic but are just that - General Practitioners (my own GP's words!)- if you feel in need of extra help perhaps you could ask to be be refered - there is no shame in that and it might really help you

Hi, I've just popped back to read through your suggestions and I shall use them to come up with a moving forward plan. (I know one of the main targets I need to work on is getting to bed on time!)

I may pop back again for more support.

Thank you!