Not quite sure how to start this, I am having a really tough time and I think I need some help but I don't know where to go or who to speak to. I've written this and nearly deleted it, writing this and admitting to this is scary.
I am married and have two DC, who are 4 1/2 and 1 1/4. They are wonderful and so is my DH. I have a demanding career as a city lawyer, which I went back to 4 days a week 6 months or so ago. Since then, everything has become unmanageable. I feel I should be grateful for what I have but everything seems to be falling apart.
The main problem is work. Although I supposedly work 4 days a week, I am working between 50 and 60 hours a week. Its also high pressure with demanding clients and things in my team are tough so I don't feel I have enough support, so that everything is building up while I just firefight the stuff that I am being shouted at for. I can't cope anymore with it, but I am afraid of letting people down and if I am not there, the work doesn't go away, it either gets dumped on other people or (more likely) I have to do it from home while I am sick or it waits for my return.
On top of that, my DH has a job where he is away from home 50% of the time. I am very lucky and my mum helps me with collecting the children from nursery, but I still have to do everything when he's away, and then because I've left work early, I work all evening too. And because of the nature of his job, I am responsible for everything at home. When he is here, I can leave him lists and he will do stuff, but I have to manage and organise everything.
Then, my little DS has been ill all the time since I went back to work. He's ill again now and I'm so worried there is something really wrong with him. I'm so scared and I ended up in A&E with him today and I don't know whether its really that serious or if I am catastrophising because I am not coping.
I've got to the point where I am not coping with any of this, its all become too much and overwhelming. I cry all the time, and I cannot make decisions or organise myself anymore. I've got a big case on at work and I am afraid I will screw it up because its too much for me. I am rubbish at home and at work and I feel like I'm failing at everything.
I have no time for myself, on an average day I have hardly any time to myself and when I do have time I feel guilty because there is a mountain of stuff I should be doing and I'm not. I can't go to the gym, so I've put weight on, and I feel ugly and old. I've tried to buy clothes for work but I can't face trying anything on and shopping seems to make me cry. I don't know what suits me, I kind of feel like I don;t know who I am anymore. When I think about all this, my heart beats so fast and I feel sick or in tears.
I can't leave my job because I am the main breadwinner and I can't see how we can sell our house at the moment, so I feel completely trapped. DH has agreed we can plan to move, but its a long term aim and I don't know at the moment how I am going to make it through next week.
I know I am stressed, but I don't feel I can keep going. Is this depresion? Is there anything that can help? I am really hoping for some coping strategies if anyone has any. Would going to the GP help? I have name changed because I feel ashamed so please don't be horrible to me for being a new poster.