I don't know what is normal and what's not any more

[AngeChica]

I have a 15 month old DS & am working 4 days a week having returned to work in October and job share did not work out. DS does not sleep well & usually ends up in our bed in night as neither of us can hack controlled crying. We have also had renovation work going on in our house for about 6 months.

Breastfeeding hormones / being on mat leave kept me on even keel, but coinciding with end of these and going back to work, just feel crushingly tired, miserable and low self esteem, overwhelming at times.

Had a big argument / chat with DH last night and worried about the following:

Feelings of anxiety about DS's wellbeing and safety - worse after he learned to walk and feel I have to watch him like a hawk. I hate parents who do the "cotton wool kids" thing and hate myself for turning into one of those!

Feeling negative all the time and finding it hard to say anything positive to DH.

Feelings of (mostly) irrational anger and resentment towards DH. Totally unfounded paranoia about DH having affair.

feeling incredibly guilty because sometimes feel too tired to play with DS and feel like bad mother.

Find it difficult to let go and let DH take over childcare.

Am going to doctor to see if any medical / hormonal reasons for feeling like I do. Periods awful since having DS and subsequent coil (not mirena) fitted. I do not want to end up on meds for depression but I know deep down that I do not want to feel like this, I want to be happy and enjoy DS's childhood and not put marriage in danger etc.

However I do not know if this is all just par for the course if you have a young child / working / busy life, and I am actually just being weak or self-indulgent. Asked a friend with DS same age yesterday and she says I am not alone, she finds it exhausting too, but she seems to have a much calmer air & ability to cope though. Unlike most of my friends I have no family support locally. DS is very happy at childminders but won't be left with anyone else but DH or me (and sometimes just me!) as he is v clingy (prob my fault!)

Please, can anyone tell me if the above is normal or not as I cannot view it subjectively.

Yes, it's normal, no you're not weak or self-indulgent.

Will the building work be finished soon? Coz that can be horribly stressful. At least you know there's light at the end of that tunnel and it's not a permanent thing.

Feeling stressed and anxious ALL the time is horrible and draining, maybe the doc will give you something to lift your mood till you get yourself back on an even keel.

Sorry, not much help just didn't want you to think people were'nt reading.

From what you have said it sounds to me like you are depressed. I am not an expert but have suffered from post-natal depression. Having a small child and a busy life is stressful and hard going at times but should not make you feel crushingly tired, miserable and overwhelmed all the time. You say you don't want to take anti-depressants but they can help in many cases of depression, if that's what you have. Have you seen your GP? The first step to feeling better is getting help. Depression is a curable illness.