How to learn how to wind down at the end of the day

[OrmIrian]

I ask because I have realised that a lot of the things about my behaviour that I don't like are due to my simply being unable to relax. When I get home from work at the end of the day I feel as if every muscle is screwed up tight, my face feels like an aching mask, I am so tired. I dread getting home because I know that it will be a complete tip and I cannot relax in that environment (my problem I daresay but I don't think it's all that unreasonable to want a house that looks like a house and not a squat!). Even when I leave the house reasonable clean in the morning, DH and the DCs will have trashed it by the time I get home. My stress levels wind up a notch. (Here I will confess a little sympathy with the often-complained about partners of MN-ers who get fed up when they come home to a chaotic house ). I cannot just sit down with the DC and talk to them as I am so wound up.

So I get snappy (oh believe me I bite my tongue so hard it hurts but sometimes it still escapes).
I find myself stomping around with the hoover and wiping surfaces around Dh when he's cooking.
And this is usually the time when I open a bottle of wine - a habit which I am trying hard to curtail.
Thank god I gave up smoking years ago otherwise I'd be puffing like a chimney .
I go to bed early as it's the only place I can finally really relax. Not sociable really and I know Dh dislikes it a little.

I am dreading this evening. DH will be home so I will have to sit around all evening waiting for him to come back from the gym so that I can eat. If I can fit a run in first it will be a bit better but I don't always have time.

Going for a run helps but I can't do that everyday.

What can I do? Does anyone else have this problem.

Is there one thing that your dh could do (housework wise) that would make me feel less fed up? My dh when he came home from work always felt very cross when dishwasher wasn't unloaded. That was the one thing he felt just should have been done. So I made an effort to do that if nothing else .

Could you sit down together and just write down one thing you would like him to make an efort with for your happiness, rather than a general "what a mess everything is"?

Could you make yourself a thermos of tea firs thing and leave it upstairs and go straight up and have a cuppa before seeing the mess, or talking to anyone?

Could you arrange with your dh that you are going to have 10 mins quiet time when you arrive, could he make sure kids are watching telly doing something else when you sneak in the door?

Could you turn around the return home in your head and revisualize it as a happy exciting moment when you catch up with the kids, and see everyone after a long absence?
Someone once told me the moment you walk in the door after a long day at work is called FLOODING where everyone bombards everyone else with their emotions and its far too much to process. So perhaps you need to just walk very slowly home or take a minute in the car to listen to radio whilst you rejig your feelings.

I don't work but when I help at school all tafternoon and have to pick my children up straightaway without a break I feel absolutely stressed by it, yet it is precisely because I dread them behaving badly at pickup that they do, unfortunately. When I have 10 mins to just rejig my brain I feel much more confident and relaxed.

Anyway your message has made me feel much more sympathetic to my poor dh who I now realise it is a saint!

sorry for all typos, thinking too fast..

Thanks swanriver. Putting the kids bags away and emptying the lunchboxes would help. He does usually make their sandwiches up and puts them in the fridge but nothing else.

Problem is how to get him to do that without him feeling got at.

'flooding' - yep that about describes it. I love it when I have half a day off and come home to peace and quiet before going to fetch the DC.

I agree with swanriver that you should sit down with your DH and go through what exactly winds you up when you first get home. It could be as simple as having a tidy kitchen/sitting room to come into and have a cup of tea, or the bathroom where you can go and spend half an hour soaking in the bath before you see anyone.
I am a SAHM and i love it, but it is not particularly easy sometimes and i get stressed if Dh comes home to a messy house, but it is not because i haven't done anything it is just that DD has made a mess again while i'm doing something else. What works best for us is when DH gets home, he plays with DD while i cook dinner. That way i get a break from DD and DH gets to spend some time with DD and it helps him unwind from work.
But you must talk with your DH to arrange the best way for both of you.

Do you feel all the time that there are all these things that need doing and no-one will do them but you? A sort of red alert feeling?
Could that be why you can't quite relax?

Could you set yourself the task of just not doing one thing as well as you might, like leaving a worktop untidy and chatting to your dh or dcs instead even if it feels counterproductive. Just as a way of desensitising yourself to these very powerful anxiety emotions, I need to do the worktops or they won't be done, this house is so messy etc etc?

Sometimes I clear up whilst dh is having his supper. He then has to force me to sit down and chat to him, yet it is such a little thing for me to do, only 10 mins out of schedule. I am in the power of this relentless feeling of I must just do this and this and this or the sky will fall. It won't, for ten minutes at anyrate.

You mustn't be anxious about talking to him about feeling anxious. Just say This would make a real difference to me, and I will try to relax more, I so want to enjoy being with you when I get home, I know its strange but this would make me so happy, and you are doing a wonderful job. Big hug.

Yes swanriver! That is it exactly. I feel like a wind-up toy who has to get the tasks done before I stop And if I don't it will be worse tomorrow.

I do sometimes force myself to stop but it takes a huge amount of willpower. I am on citalopram which helps a lot but sometimes not enough.

I dream about living in a big empty house with clean floors and huge windows and no clutter! I can just feel myself relaxing as I envisage that. Reality brings me back with a bump though

But in the end people will always be the house cluttering it up.
That has been a real learning curve for me.

My mother suffers from the sort of anxiety you describe, she is much better now, and like you gets an enormous amount done.
She needs light and space. Her happiest moments are spent reading or gardening or rushing around getting things done outside, building projects. She is not someone who derives any happiness from baking, cupboard sorting drawer tidying but she loves things to feel tidy and "open".
She described to me her perfect breakfast which was to listen to the radio in her kitchen without ANYONE else. (despite having her 6 grandchildren in the house at the time -rather tactless)
My father conversely is the chattiest person and messiest person alive who eats visitors for breakfast from 6am onwards on any topic under the sun.

When I was a child my mum used to say "I just want things to be tidy". But it was not really that at all, she just found the people overwhelming, she needed to think and be away from us.

Anyway long post over, the answer is that in the end, she did need people, she was sociable as well my annoying dad did cheer up as well as enrage her and she has to just do a lot of "running" or getting away from the small irritants as she can to stay sane.

ah what lovely posts swanriver, they made me smile

Orm, I think you've had a hard year of it you know. You seem to have had a lot of stress to deal with and it sounds like you are seeking out a 'calm' place.

Any chance of making your bedroom that way? Ban the kids from it, ask dh very nicely not to make a mess in it and make it your place of calm?

I don't react to untidiness the way you do (and given the state of my house, that is a blessing) but could not survive if I couldn't wind down from work.

Thanks fox

It's been a stressful year but TBH I'd feel ungrateful for complaining as things are going so well atm.

The bedroom thing is a good idea. ATM it tends to be used as a second sitting room when one of the DC wants to watch a DVD quietly. It would help if our bedroom was a nicer place to be - whenever DH is in the mood for decorating I tend to steer him towards other rooms because they are more visible so ours is in dire need of some TLC. I need to find somewhere in my house that I can use as a cocoon - without resorting to running or wine

There is a definite transition from work to home.

What about if you came home and went straight to your bedroom, lay down on the bed and listened to some calming music for about 10-20 minutes. Without being disturbed by anyone.

After this, which should help you to relax, you might be in a better frame of mind to deal with the chaos! (And your family will know you're home so might do some running around clearing up ...)