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Mental health

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Original poster

I just realised my problem is that I dont want any children. Too late. What do I do.

18 replies

56pickupstix · 06/05/2009 18:25

After being really really happy for about a year - previous to that was very depressed with PND etc I have now crashed royally down. I was in the car tonight home from tesco with DS shouting in the back and I just realised I dont want to be a Mother. I just wish I could undo it and live the life of a happily married person doing my own thing.

I wanted a child so much, we tried for years and he has been the pivot my world revolves around since day 1. But I think I was wrong. I think I was wrong. I think I shouldnt have had a child. I dont want one now. I love him truly more than anything and would never leave him for the world but I dont feel a natural mother anymore. I used to I dont any more. I think I made a mistake of the kind you can never undo nor should you ever want to undo because it would be going against the most loveable creature in your life. How fucked up am I I just cant even quantify it.

OP posts:

stillenacht · 06/05/2009 18:32

I have never felt like a 'natural mother'. I find it very difficult. it doesn't feel 'natural' to me either. From what my mum said when i have been chatting about it with her it didn't to her either. Of course my DSs are the centre of my world and i think that overwhelming love can be so stifling at times along with everything else.

stillenacht · 06/05/2009 18:33

I think actually its pretty common to feel like this but is quite a big taboo subject still. i remember when a journo wrote an article about it and there was uproar that she could suggest such a thing - but actually i think its pretty common.

MamaMuesli · 06/05/2009 18:35

Is doubting your decisions and choices a pattern that you find yourself in? I ask because it is obviously common with depression. But wishing for changes that you can't actually make is a very self-defeating exercise. Sometimes situations are shit and you just have to deal with it anyway. Your situation is not shit (from this post, anyway ), you have a wanted child you love and wouldn't leave. You crave pre-kids adult time alone or with your partner, which I guess is true of most of us at some points. I'm just trying to say that there are more productive uses of your thinking time than dwelling on the thought that you have made a mistake - you haven't, you have made a choice and it has taken you down a path towards a particular kind of life (as a parent), which means you feel a loss of those other things you 'could have done'. What CAN you do to improve things? Where is the light at the end of the tunnel that might allow you to have some more time doing your own thing (I have tons of goals in my head for 'when the kids are older'. I don't get much time away from them now, but I know I will someday in the distant future, and I want to be ready to crack on with what I still want to achieve. Actually I am already. Hope this doesn't sound harsh - its not meant to - but I think its worth challenging the depressed thinking, because its such a trap, only makes you feel worse, not better.

Original poster

56pickupstix · 06/05/2009 18:41

thanks for your replies.

I just feel so sad and depressed. I just want to escape my life. It isnt for lack of love its just that I am not happy. I am not sure what I am getting out of all of this. I know that sounds really selfish but I just feel like I exist to facilitate.

We are having money problems as well. We will have enough to eat on this month but it is taking our savings which were set aside for birthdays in the summer. Yes its better than other people are at the moment but I just feel so shit about everything. I live for working and you look forward to a nice thing/event then that is spent on food. We never holiday.

I do often doubt decisions. Yes very much so. I am so unhappy right now I cant even move my face.

OP posts:

TinySocks · 06/05/2009 18:43

I cannot relate to what you say because I am really happy I have my children, but what I can say is that I have had moments when I've thought "what the hell was I thinking having kids??".
Those moments usually happen when my DS1 is having difficult behaviour and I feel drained.
Your child is here now, he is a little person that needs your love and acceptance. So maybe you need to analyse why you are feeling like this. Maybe you need to go back to work? Maybe you need to somehow finds a way to improve your child's behaviour (if that is the trigger for problem)? Maybe you need some hours to yourself every week? Study a course?
There is no point in wishing your child wasn't here, so you've got to work on finding a solution.

claricebeansmum · 06/05/2009 18:43

I am not a natural mother. I have felt like this - like it was all a big mistake. Sometimes I feel I am in the wrong life.

My DC are teenagers now and I explain to them that is doesn't come easy to me but I do the best I can. I love them to bits and would put my life on the line for them but I'm just not a very good mummy.

You are a mummy. You are a good one. Don't doubt it but what you do need to do is either do, or plan, a way to get some time back for you. As MamaMuseli said plan for some light at the end of the tunnel - start with chinks and go from there.

You are most definitely not alone to feel like this and it is a completely valid feeling to have.

muffle · 06/05/2009 18:45

56 to be honest you do sound depressed to me - especially when you say you can't move your face - could it be that? It is possible for depression to come back. And in a way that might be reassuring because it could be treated and you could look forward to not feeling this bad.

(Not that you shouldn't feel that way about motherhood - as others have said i think this feeling is more common than widely admitted to.)

FabulousBakerGirl · 06/05/2009 18:48

DH told me yesterday he didn't think I was a natural mother and I was very upset. I thought I woul dbe but he is right, I am not. I enjoy time away from the DCs just with my hubby, I wonder what I would be doing if I hadn't had the children, but I am hanging in there as I am hoping it will get better.

I love them. I look after them pretty well but I know I could be better with them and hope it will come when I am better.

Original poster

56pickupstix · 06/05/2009 18:49

thanks for being kind about it.

I am depressed. I am still on anti-d's though from my PND even though I got totally better it was sort of felt, if it isnt broke dont fix it, so I stayed on them. I guess I could go back to the gp.

I love my son so much I almost miss him because I cant get excited about spending time with him right now. Last night we had a lovely 20 mins together and it was great but it is the exception not the rule.

ds is an extremely difficult child wrt his behaviour.

OP posts:

travellingwilbury · 06/05/2009 18:49

You have had happy times with your child which tells me that it isn't actually your child but more your situation that is causing you to feel like this . I think a lot of people have times when the whole "being a mum" thing is too overwhelming for words but with the right kind of support you can get the happy family feeling back .

I presume as you have had pnd in the past you have a relationship with health care staff ? If so then maybe now is the time to get back in touch with them and be honest about how you are feeling . They won't think badly of you , in fact they will be pleased that you have gone to them with how you are feeling rather than struggling on your own .

Original poster

56pickupstix · 06/05/2009 18:54

yes I will go tomorrow I guess. Funny I was just discharged from themental health team and written off as totally recovered for a significant time period.

my son is lovely. he is a nightmare true but it isnt his fault he is a child its surely a rite of passage. which he seems to take to an extreme!

OP posts:

travellingwilbury · 06/05/2009 18:56

Maybe the fact you have just been discharged has given you a bit of a crisis of confidence maybe ?

You might just need to know that back up is there for you for a little bit longer .

How old is your ds ? I have got a 3 yr old and a 5 yr old and I kniow how tough they can be

Original poster

56pickupstix · 06/05/2009 19:03

I dont think it is to do with the discharge as I never had anything to do with them anyway for about 6 months nor did I ever think about it. but I see your point. DS is 2.10.

OP posts:

travellingwilbury · 06/05/2009 19:22

That is a tough age , I know just in my group of friends that the most wanted and hard fought for children are often the hardest . I think the reality is just never going to live up to the dream .

Original poster

56pickupstix · 06/05/2009 21:45

yes I know what you mean. Oh well we dont have a choice anyway do we so I will make the very best of it. Thanks for listening to me.

OP posts:

travellingwilbury · 07/05/2009 07:39

I hope you are feeling a wee bit better this morning .

FabulousBakerGirl · 07/05/2009 07:44

You do sound so sad and also a lot like I have felt. You may have misse my previous post as we cros posted but I do understand how you feel.

serajen · 07/05/2009 13:46

You've described feeling a little bit of happiness with your son, 20 minutes or so, that shows the potential for more of the same. I wish more mums were honest about these types of feelings, I bet we all go through them but are too ashamed to open up, how crazy, we're only human, not robots and it's the most challenging role we'll ever be in, I remember the feeling of crushing responsibility coning over me in huge waves after my daughter was born, I almost felt sick at the way in which my life had changed, forever. Keep talking.

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