Binge Eating/Food as a crutch.

[FatFailure]

I know I need help, but quite how I do this I don't know.

I guess I need to just say, in case its relevent, that I have a history of clinical depression, but currently I feel I am in a good place generally (about 98% of the time), with no medication. At my lowest I had thoughts of killing myself or selfharming, but never carried them out.

I binge eat like no-ones business, I can eat amounts that would make a normal person recoil in horror, and very rarely feel full now. But its not every day I binge to that scale, its generally I stick to 3 meals a day with no snacks, but its the volume I eat, with only very few days where I eat and eat and eat. I know it is mainly a tool for me to deal with things I dislike in my life, or negative feelings I have (but it never makes me feel any better).

I am currently living at home due to finances and circumstances beyond my control, for at least the next 2 years, and my mum is on my back constantly, chipping away at me about how I do everything, from the washing up, or what I drink, or what I'm watching on TV, you name it.

The most dangerous one I think is the criticisms of what I'm eating (or not eating.) Every day I wake up determined to have a day where I "loose control", but every day I fail. She nitpicks what I'm eating, when I'm eating it, how i'm eating it, you name it, and its not in a concerned mum way, it is very much in an accusatory, negative way, as other people are starting to pick up on it.

Today for example I wasn't hungry, so didn't have breakfast, had a chicken sandwich for lunch, and as I'm not too hungry still, am having a ham sandwich for dinner, and have already received lectures on should I be eating that much bread, and what was wrong with salad, and how if i continue I won't be able to walk and don't I have any pride, etc etc

How can I break this cycle with no support? I really hate eating so much, but can't see a way to get out, especially with current cirumstances

Sorry to hear you are so sad. Your situation doesn't seem conducive to getting better either, and it's probably frustration which your mum is venting on you.

You are focusing on food and making trips to the fridge when you don't need to. Changing those habits, get out, go for a walk or short jog instead. Start small and build up gradually, keep a chart, how long, how far.

If you binge eat then you are swallowing too much so is there a way you can enjoy the taste without swallowing it? Ie a few mouthfuls and savour it?

Take out wheat and potato from your diet completely if you can.

Good luck!

You don't need to be told what and what not to eat. How wretched for you. Why are you living at home at the moment? It can be crushing, and I know it's not easy to move on when your confidence is low.

Have you looked at BEAT, what used to be the Eating Disorders Association?

I don't think I would have got better without a lot of professional help. Please don't feel ashamed. As for me, I've reached out for the old tobacco, which I am so ashamed of, and I do want to stop. It does feel lonely, but I think that's a big part of the problem.

Do you have a sympathetic gp? Or if you have children, a health visitor?

Are you on any medication? My eating was linked to depression, and when the depression was treated my eating was fine, and I've never looked back.

Fatfailure - first of all you are not a failure. I could have written half your post myself.
YOu sound like you are dealing with it better than me, I lie in bed at night imagining a great day the next day - everyday virtually something in my brain goes haywire & I eat as you say "an amount that would make most people recoil in horror"
I have a DH who knows about my problem & feels helpless & upset & still don't seem able to help myself.

kidowner I know you are trying to help but advice like "Take out wheat and potato from your diet completely if you can" is completely unhelpful. What FF & I need to do is get back to normal eating & at the moment to me that is a distant memory.

I don't have any solutions FF but I do think it is a lack of self esteem/confidence that has led me to where I am now. I think I need help & may well be depressed but I really don't know where to start. I find it impossible to talk about my problems to anyone even DH who wants to help me so much it is breaking his heart.

I have started a food diary that is for my yes only. writing the truthful amount I eat in it is incredibally har but I am consideing keeping it for a month & then taking it to my GP. So far after a week it makes horrendous readin

Sorry I don't seem to have said much helpful - jus want you to know you are not alone.

Why would taking out wheat and potato be unhelpful when they form a lot of junk foods and are not a part of normal eating for many, such as when rice is a staple?

I agree that depression and eating go hand in hand, one can cause the other. Also, being in an unhappy environment makes things worse.

If you are not able to move out, then getting out as much as possible is important for your mental health.

Helping others can take the the pressure off focusing inwardly. Basically, what can you do which will make you happier?

But kidowner - sandwiches & probably potatoes are part of the op's normal diet. I maintain that getting back to your normal diet is the most important aim in this situation.
If you look at my food diary I have a good normal diet which includes all normal foods & then the binges ontop. So I don't need to change my diet by cutting out staples of my diet but just eliminate the binging.

As the op says the binges aren't to do with hunger so normal dieting advice like change what you eat so you stay full for longer just does not apply.

ps sorry for typos - I plead placating grumpy baby as I post as my excuse!

pps it is forbidden foods especially which make me binge
ie I am overweight so see cake, chocolate, biscuits, cheese (I could go on) as forbidden so I avoid the, then get fed up of having to avoid things I avoid & so eat a whole packet of cheese, 400g of chocolate etc etc.

If i banned wheat & potato I'd just eat a loaf of bread or whole bowl of mashed potatoes etc etc.

That's why theolution is to get back to a normal diet 7 not forbid yourself anything (OP I know this is easy to say & from experience impossible to do - even more so with your mum questioning everything you eat )

I see. So basically, you'll rebel if you have to omit anything.

I am slim but I do not eat wheat or potato based foods because even a small bit leaves me bloated and having that feeling makes me depressed. So I avoid things that make me depressed (if I can).

If you don't have that instinct to avoid things that make you depressed then it's good to acknowledge that and work on that.

Likewise, if I don't get out and about I'll feel down. If I focus on myself I will also feel down. If I help my neighbour I get a feelgood feeling.

So, lets forget food for a moment, lets focus on what gives you that feelgood feeling. Sometimes I don't feel like going for a walk but if I do, I try and record it so the good things become a habit.

I've only recently tried to do things I've no confidence in, like learning to do the crawl in swimming. Even small successes like being able to do a length without drowning has made me feel successful (in a small way).

So, please try new things, try to get empowerment somehow in your life, no matter how small, then you can start building on successes.

Then you may be able to conquer your control over food, but you have to get used to being kind to yourself and patting yourself on the back for things, no matter how small.