I am f@cking miserable.

[nolongerchunkybutstillapudding]

Sorry just had to get that out.

Had my 12 week scan for what would have been dc2 on dp's birthday last week,found baby died at 5 weeks but sac etc kept growing so I never stopped feeling pg.

Had erpc under gen anaesthetic on fri so at least no longer feel pg.however now just feeling awful,came close to pnd after ds and think my hormones doing same thing now.

Am just so sad-not just about losing baby but in a general,'raw' way iyswim.and I want it to stop!have been on miscarriage forum but just not sure I feel the same way as everyone else,it's just so weird.

I'm not explaining myself very well and I don't really expect anyone to help me,I imagine I'll just have to wait for time to heal stuff...I just feel shit,want to be lovely and fully functional for gorgeous ds,have work pressure too and just want to hide under a rock!!!!

Sorry for the rant I just needed to get it out of my system while ds napping.I know this will get better I just hate not knowing when

how very self-pitying...sorry.maybe I'm just not getting enough sleep,ds waking quite a bit at the mo.home with him today,not sure how I'm gonna keep up!

He is really very lovely tho.and can say an awful lot for a 15mo so pretty good company!

umm am bumping just because I'd like to hear from someone this evening as am still low...don't think my regular mn carer is around this evening!

If anyone clicks on this and is for some reason arsed to read up to this point can you just tell me that I will feel better please?I'm sick of feeling sad and ill and emotionally unstable!and I'm starting to bore myself with all the moaning

Hey, how are you feeling this evening? I am sorry I haven't checked for a few days.

I have been reading my diary from when I miscarried to see when I felt better. 2.5 weeks after it happened my DH said I must be feeling back to normal because I made him his favourite lunch and did a big batch cook of food for DD and was generally being my normal domesticated self. I guess stopping bleeding was a big help in feeling normal again. I have to admit though that for 2 weeks after it happened I saw a lot of my Mum, she came for lunch most days to give me support. So I was obviously still shaky.

There are references over the following 2-3 months of times when I suddenly got that stabbing pain of loss. A lot of the time I was fine but seeing people I hadn't been around for awhile was hard. I didnt know whether to talk about it or not.

There were also alot of references to my DD being very clingy and not wanting as much nap time. She has always picked up on my emotions and seems to look after me by not leaving my side!

Anyway, that might help, it might not!

Hi winky and profiterole,and thanks...

Am still not great.the work thing was a nightmare,apprently I dealt with it well but it made no difference to the actual result.self esteem-wise it was shite.

It's now just past 2 weeks since I had the op,2 and a half since finding out I'd lost the baby.still bleeding,still feel sad in the weirdest way,something other than grief in the way that I understand it.this is nothing like losing a loved one,the pain of that loss is awful as it is a real,loved person. This is something else.it is shit tho all the same.

Said to dp that the worst thing at the mo is feeling like life is just happening to me and I have no control. I have always believed that is an unhealthy and unhelpful way to view the world,you have to be responsible for your own life...however lately nothing I do seems to make a difference.stuff just happens and I can't stop it.

Sorry I was gonna stop doing this,am also someone who hates being needy/always talking about myself.am aware there are people quietly dealing with a lit more.

Thanks tho.winky it was good to hear how you found your way through it,and profiterole just thanks,for sticking with me and being so kind.

Ps only work 2 days a week,with ds for the rest of it

xx

Thanks.and thanks for your last post,sorry didn't respond.was nice to read and be reassured tho.

Tough at the mo.2 of my closest friends just had their 20 week scan in the past week,I was only 6 weeks or so behind them before.also mum persuaded me to call docs tomorrow about bleeding,prob a good idea.

Am at the point of finding it hard to say...or write..to anyone how I feel and it is making me feel distant from everyone.

Not from ds tho,he is a joy..can say the last word for each line of 'you are my sunshine' so we sing it together.he's such a loving and clever boy.

Want to say more but am so tired and ds may wake soon.half feel like I'll be secretly low like this forever...

Hope you are good xx

nolonger, am that you are still feeling so low but rest assured that it is ok to do so - it is your body adjusting to the change and it will take its own time about it.

I can sympathise with the "life is just happening to me, I have no control" feeling - I used to feel as though I was in a small coracle, being rushed along a great big river towards a waterfall, and someone had stolen the oars. Not a great feeling. However, I had counselling for my issues (not pg-related in anyway though) and that gave me back my oars, as it were.
Might I suggest that you consider counselling? There is a specific counselling service for women who have lost babies, but if you don't feel it is right for you, then just ordinary (but not really CBT) counselling, where you get to sit and talk about everything that is getting you down, might help.

I am glad you have your DS to brighten your day, he sounds like a real sweetie.

Keep posting on here - there's always someone prepared to listen and offer a comforting shoulder/ear.

Haven't posted for a bit,ds been really poorly so not much time or energy for myself (or much sleep)

Anyway,called hosp today as still bleeding on and off nearly 4 weeks after erpc.got called in for scan and have 'retained products' (yuck) so am on hardcore antibiotics (2nd lot of ab's this month!) and have to go and have the sodding operation again on Friday.

Am very very

nolongerchunky - very sorry to hear of your mmc. I went through something similar last November (blighted ovum pregnancy). It's cruel because the sac continues to grow and your body thinks it is pregnant (HCG rises). I used conception indicators and they were rising nicely Don't be hard on yourself. MC takes a lot out of you -emotionally and physically. The UTI and retained products are bound to have made you feel even worse. How awful to have to go for another ERPC. Make sure you do something pampering when you feel able to. It helps to be good to yourself

Thanks ladylush.yeah can't believe I have to do the whole bloody thing again.getting nervous about going to hosp tomorrow now...have insisted dp doesn't come with me as he is snowed under at work and it's a really long wait...

Just hope he'll actually wake up when ds does in the middle of the night tomorrow as I have to rest and am not allowed to pick ds up...ds always wakes at least once.dp very heavy sleeper.

God I'm fucking low again tonight.am feeling very 'why me???' about the whole thing.

Just want someone to look after me,and tell me I'll be alright.nothing seems to get better only worse.

I hope all goes ok tomorrow. Dose yourself up with painkillers after (codeine or diclofenac is helpful imo). Dh will have to attend to your lo because you will still be quite sedated after the op and if you are taking codeine. It's normal to feel low and wonder "why me" - especially whilst it's still ongoing. It has been so prolonged but hopefully once the op is over you can start to move on. Small steps.