I don't seem to feel or care about things that should be devastating

[Threadworm]

My dad's
ex 'girlfriend' to whom he still felt very close has killed
herself. She was very depressed. Odd thing is, I feel so muted in my
reaction. My sister-in-laws cousin killed herself a
few weeks ago. I didn't know her at all, had never met her, but still
surprised how muted I feel. I've been on the phone to may dad for a
long time. He still loved her and is devastated. I feel for him, but
not in an emotionally intense way, and I don't really feel anything
about her death itself. I'm shocked how aloof I am. I seem to be a
refridgerator.

Its what i call an 'emotional coma'

A way your body shuts down to stop you hurting any more i guess.

Nothing bothers or hurts or affects you the way it should.

Can't say much more than that really.. i get it too.

Thank you.

I'm not proteting myself from upset at her death. It goes back before that. I think I switched off in my childhood. I don't really care about anyone. I know that I used to in childhood. I used to be the gentle kind one. Not now though. My mother said when I was 17 that I was cold and hard.

I find it extremely hard to believe that you don't care about anyone, Threadie - you come across as exactly the opposite here. I do wonder if you protect yourself from opening yourself up to strong emotions - am a bit shocked at your mother's "cold and hard" comment, and wondering if that's all tied up.

I think feeling detached from "indirect" trauma (iyswim) is probably not that uncommon, but it does not for one second make you unfeeling - re-read your recent posts to Kay as if they came from someone else, and see if you can possibly think that's true.

Thanks habbibu. Going offline for a bit now. Have to hide in bathroom because of tears that I don't want dc to see. Feel so bad just now but will be better later.

Oh, sweetheart - have emailed you.

Oh Threadie. I'm so sorry. I think you're bloody wonderful btw. And I find it very hard to believe for one minute that you are a refrigerator. Cut yourself some slack my love.

hello darl, fancy turning mobile on?

I think - ime and o - that these kind of accusations from not-great parents - particularly when their children are almost adults - are huge projections. My father lobbed a similarly enduring one at me when I was 16. It was a precise description of himself.

I found i had to re-develop my empathetic/emotional streak

But tbh i was glad i had only just started to do it when i found out XP cheated while i was pg, more than once, and i just properly shut down.

Now i feel nothing, except love for my kids, and all my emotions are normal towards my kids..as IMO they deserve that and i know would never hurt me.

Everyone else can have a pop at my emotions over my still twitching corpse but they won't get the result they were hoping for.

Sometimes its a blessing in disguise

the alternative is that these accusations are fantasies which justify the parent's own uncontrollable behaviour.

Hello Threadie my dear. I hope you are feeling a little better this morning.

Hi Threadie - hope you're feeling a bit brighter. I agree with Lenin - I think it's actually hard to feel pain/grief at a remove, which the examples you've given are. I think you're constructing an image based on what you've been told, which isn't necessarily at all the same as what's true...

thanks everyone for v kind responses.

Hi threadie.
Just wanted to say how warm I've always found you here.
Hope you are feeling a bit better today.

my dh can be a bit like this, I think its because he has been through a lot - bullying, injury, chronic pain, depression - he just can't connect with other people's pain and finds empathy difficult. Its like he lives in his own little cocoon sometimes. It is completely understandable if you have had difficult things in life to deal with. It doesn't make you a bad person and doesn't mean you don't care. I am shocked that your mum called you "cold and hard" - that is an awful thing to say to you.