OK - forgive this HUGE post.......I have found this helpful in the past:
It?s hard
for me too
A self-help guide
for family and friends
living with the effects of
drug or alcohol use
Caring for someone affected by drug or alcohol use
Introduction
This booklet is written for people who are dealing with the
effects of living with and caring for someone affected by drug
or alcohol use. It might be a family member, brother, sister,
son, daughter, mother or father, it might be a friend or partner.
Living with someone who uses drugs or alcohol can be like
living on a permanent rollercoaster. The emotional impact can
be huge, distressing and confusing. This booklet will help you
to explore what is happening to you. It will also help you to
explore the impact and influence you can have on the life of
the person you care for.
It will give you a way of understanding the range of feelings
you may be experiencing, help you identify the things that
might help you and give you information on the places you can
get support for yourself.
Family members and carers of people affected by drug and
alcohol use say that at times, they feel overwhelmed by all
that is happening around them and they can lose sight of who
they are as people and what they need. This booklet may help
you to find yourself again.
It isn?t about how to stop someone using, it?s about how
their using affects you and looks at how you can deal
with some of those difficult and painful feelings.
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Do you mean me? I?m not really a carer
You may not see yourself as a carer. You may feel that as a
partner, parent, brother, sister, aunt, uncle or friend of
someone whose life is affected by drug or alcohol use, you
don?t ?qualify?. You may think that carers are people who look
after people with severe disabilities or illnesses and that what
you are doing is part of being in a family, or of being a friend.
Many carers, in whatever caring situation, feel like this.
Many people who live day to day with the effects of drug or
alcohol use will say that they cannot see themselves as carers
because, some of the time they don?t do anything practical;
the person manages day to day on their own; the person
doesn't live with them. So, they would not class themselves as
carers. Many other carers would say this as well and yet still
see themselves as carers.
Most carers don?t call themselves ?carers?. The word ?carer? is a
sort of shorthand to describe what people do, dealing with and
supporting those they care about whilst they cannot do it for
themselves and managing the effects of the illness or disability
on their life and the lives of those around them. This is what
you probably do as well. You try to deal with, and support the
person who is using the drugs or alcohol, and you try to
manage the effects of that usage on your life and the lives of
those around you who might also be affected.
So, even if you don?t see yourself as a carer some of the
things that you do may be similar and some of the feelings
that you have about what you deal with may be similar as
well.
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What sort of feelings do carers deal with?
Carers are ordinary, real people. They can feel tired and worn
down by the responsibilities of caring. They can do it willingly;
they can feel it?s their duty. They sometimes feel isolated
within their communities. They feel that if only they could do
more; be more patient; if they did something differently in the
past; then life would be OK now.
They feel down about all the things they have to do, they feel
sad about lost dreams for their future and for the person they
care for. They feel angry at what is happening in their lives.
They feel no one really understands; they feel it?s all their fault
they are in this situation. They are sometimes embarrassed or
ashamed by how the person they care for behaves.
They love the person they care for. They feel compassion and
sadness. They feel joy and happiness on the days when things
are going well, they feel despair when they?re not. They feel
guilty when they feel angry or sad for themselves.
They sometimes feel they cannot go on and then fear what the
future might bring if things change, wanting to hold on to the
familiar even if it is almost too difficult.
They find out who are real friends. They discover strengths
and abilities they never knew existed within themselves.
You all have different lives and similar feelings.
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How did it all start, becoming a carer?
Finding out
How you entered this part of your life is often a moment that
remains with you forever. It may have been that you had
pushed the thought of someone you care about being involved
with drugs or alcohol out of your mind for months before you
let it in. Or maybe the person had always used drugs or
alcohol but the impact on your life changed. Maybe their usage
increased and started to be a problem.
Your first response could have been anger or disbelief that this
was happening to you. You didn?t want your suspicions
confirmed but here it is proving your worst fears right. Maybe
you wanted to hurt the person you care for and protect them
all at the same time.You may try to minimise it, try to find
reasons why it?s OK. ?Everyone goes through this sort of
phase?, ?they are going through a difficult time?, ?they will be
OK when it gets better?.
A word about Dual Diagnosis
Some people are given what is termed a ?dual diagnosis?, that
means they have both drug or alcohol use and a mental health
difficulty. This means it can be difficult to decide if it?s the
drugs or alcohol causing the mental health difficulty or vice
versa.
If the person you care for is given a dual diagnosis it is
important that you find out what it means and how both
conditions are to be treated. It?s a complex situation so speak
to one of the agencies listed at the back of this booklet for
information and support.
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Conflicting Feelings
You may experience a range of feelings, some conflicting. You
may be angry and frightened, sad and relieved. You may feel
compelled to find out as much as you can about drugs and
alcohol. On the other hand you may feel frozen, unable to
move. Not wanting to acknowledge this new place in your life.
Your thoughts and feelings may change from day to day, hour
to hour, moment by moment. You may feel as if your life is
whirling out of control as you struggle to hold onto some sort
of normality.
What?s happening to me?
At one level someone using drugs or alcohol in itself is not a
problem, but it is once it starts to cause disruption to your life.
Every aspect of your life can be affected. From the day-to-day
practical details through to your dreams for the future. And
each change will bring with it an emotional response.
Changing the Picture
As you see the person you care for changing so your inner
picture will change. This is the picture we all keep inside
ourselves, in our heads, to help us deal with the world and
how our life will be. Really no one actually knows how their life
will be or what will happen, but neither do we like not knowing
what?s going to happen. We can?t live with that degree of
uncertainty. In order to try and deal with some of that
uncertainty we plan out how our lives will be: jobs; family;
children; grandchildren; holidays or just a happy life. When
something you don?t like comes along in life, like illness,
redundancy, debt, drugs, you have to find a place for it in your
?life picture?. If you have a reasonably OK sort of picture that
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you are happy with, then you won?t want anything difficult
coming into it. Anything that seems to threaten the security of
the picture will be pushed to one side. You try to ?keep it in the
corner? and hope it will go away. It might do, however, it might
just get bigger and start to take over the picture.
You may start to resist it and try to force it out. You may try to
force the person using the drugs or alcohol to change; it?s their
fault that this thing has intruded into your life. Then, as it
begins to take over you try to find reasons why it?s there in the
first place. Going over and over things that you could have
done differently. As if by some magic process you could go
back and change things. Make it different. Do something that
will stop whatever it is we don?t like from coming into our lives.
Unfortunately we can?t. Accepting that it is part of our lives
now is the first step towards dealing with it.
Acceptance
The battle within yourself to accept drugs or alcohol into your
picture of life can go on for weeks, months, years. You may
never reach that point of acceptance. However, accepting that
they are there may be the only way that you can begin to deal
with them and begin to build a new life picture, where you
accommodate and control the effects of drugs and alcohol on
your life, rather than them dominating it.
The journey towards acceptance is full of twists and turns,
slippery slopes and high mountains, at each turn a welter of
feelings and emotions to be dealt with. You don?t have to deal
with it on your own, there are agencies and people who can
help, providing support and understanding. Places of support
are listed at the end of this booklet. Call them, use them.
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Dealing with Feelings
Love and hate - conflicting feelings
One of the first things to be clear about is that it is normal to
feel different things about the same person at the same time.
For example, you might feel angry about the person?s drug or
alcohol use and you might also feel anxious about them. You
might love them and long for the relationship you once had
with them and at the same time loathe them and want to push
them away. At times like this you might feel confused about
why you feel like that; think that you are being hypocritical or
being unclear about how you really feel. The reality is that
most people feel conflicting feelings all the time. The only
difference is that often, when in relation to those you feel
strongest about, the feelings can seem extreme and this is
what confuses and perplexes us.
Yes, you can love and loathe someone at the same time.
When you hold both feelings together they become
manageable. It?s when you try to deny one or the other that it
becomes difficult. Feelings try to compete for space with each
other and you end up in an inner conflict over which feeling
should be there rather than accepting that both are valid and
that it?s OK to feel both at once. Feeling bad about hating
someone can lead you on to the next difficult feeling. Guilt.
Why do I feel so guilty?
The first thing to realise about guilt is that it isn?t really a
feeling as such. It?s really a response to ?wrongdoing? and
comes directly before forgiveness. It?s something that is there
to stop us doing something. It?s not a punishment.
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Guilt is a natural response to us doing something wrong. You
learn about it as a small child. At the time when you learn
about right and wrong. When you do something wrong you
should feel guilt, a very nasty and unpleasant feeling, and this
experience should stop you doing it again. Only what goes
wrong is that you start to punish yourself for all the things you
think you have done wrong. Notice, not things that you have
done wrong, things you think you have done wrong. You
imagine all sorts of things as wrongs and start to feel guilty
about all sorts of things which, strictly speaking, are not
wrongs at all.
You become judge, jury and jailer. You lock yourself in a
prison of guilt for things you probably didn?t do. Things like if
you had done this, that or the other they wouldn?t have got
involved with drink or drugs.
Now the problem here is that not only have you judged
yourself guilty, you have also condemned yourself to a life of
guilt, as you can do nothing to make the situation different.
You have also allowed yourself to assume a position of being
all powerful in relation to the other person. You are saying that
you and you alone could have stopped them. You don?t give
any space or thought or weight to the person themselves
having a choice in it. You may or may not have had a role to
play in their drug or alcohol use, however, you do not need to
take on all the responsibility for it. They had a part to play as
well and only they can resolve it.
So how can I deal with it?
To begin with, think about what you have actually done wrong.
Now think about if they were really things that were wrong,
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would you end up in front of a judge for what you did? Or
were the things you feel you did maybe errors of judgement?
Did you think at the time that what you were doing was OK?
Did you plan for things to turn out like this?
Think now about someone whom you respect, someone whose
opinion you value. Imagine telling them of the things you feel
you did and imagine what their response would be. Would they
condemn you in the way you condemn yourself? Would they
be softer, more understanding, forgiving?
As mentioned previously, guilt comes before forgiveness. So,
now you need to forgive yourself for not being perfect.
Allow yourself to be human. Be kind to yourself. It may seem
very simple and I can hear you saying it?s not that simple. No
it isn?t, however, it?s a start.
How will that help me?
It means that you can start to deal with the feelings and
thoughts rather than trying to avoid them.The other point
about guilt is that it is something that stops us feeling other
things. It?s like a giant drainage cover that comes down to stop
other feelings surfacing. Often these other feelings are things
you don?t want to feel and you certainly don?t want other
people to know about.
The feelings we try to avoid
Feelings like shame, disgust, anger and sadness. I am sure
you can think of others.
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No one wants those they care about to be involved with drugs
or alcohol to the extent that it damages and affects their lives.
You probably don?t want the neighbours to know. It?s hard not
to feel a sense of disappointment, shame, feeling like you
haven?t got it right. You maybe think about what others think
of you. You may want to hide it. You may want to pretend it?s
not happening to you.
Again, it goes back to checking out if you have done the things
you are ashamed of, actually beginning to check out if it?s you,
or if it?s the person you care for doing those things. Often you
will find that it is the other person?s behaviour that is causing
the feelings in you. Them and the drugs or alcohol, and the
games they play with you. Pushing you into being someone
you don?t really want to be.
Playing Games
Earlier we looked at how each of us has a picture in our heads
of how we want our life to be. The person you care for has
their picture as well. Drugs and alcohol are likely to be central
in their picture as well. Only their relationship with the drugs
and alcohol is likely to be different to yours. The person you
care for may ?love? the drugs and alcohol as much as you loath
them. They may feel that the whole purpose of their life is
bound up in satisfying their demands for more. They may feel
desperate if they cannot find enough resources to ?feed? it and
at times like these may have to pull someone else in to help
them. That someone could be you. That?s when the games
begin as they have to ?persuade ? you to join in that game of
feeding the drugs and alcohol. Giving them what they feel they
need and deserve.
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They may have to put a bit of pressure on you to get you to
join in. They may have to lie, cheat, steal, threaten,
manipulate and cajole you into doing what they want. They
will do anything to get you to play. The problem is that this is
a game you can never win and one in which the stakes
continually increase. The more you give, the less likely you are
to win. The games may vary from person to person and the
rules may be slightly different, however, ?Emotional Blackmail?
is in one form or another universal.
The Game of Emotional Blackmail
An example of the basics of the game. The person using the
drugs or alcohol asks for money, you refuse, they demand and
threaten. They don?t see the unreasonableness of their
request! They do not consider the bills you have to pay or the
food you need to buy. All they see is their own need which you
can satisfy. If you don?t give them what they want then it?s
your fault they have to steal it from you. You had it and
withheld it. It was your fault. You can never win this game.
The rules also suggest that if you don?t do as required then the
person using the drugs or alcohol will up the stakes to make
you give them what they want. This includes threats of:
? violence
? theft
? self harm
? promises to change
In the game of emotional blackmail the first three are likely to
happen, the last is unlikely. Does this sound familiar?
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Another common variation of the game is: Good Guy, Bad
Guy. Imagine that you, the person you care for and the drugs
and alcohol are points on a triangle, as in the diagram below.
Now in this game you have to remember that it is the user
who decides who will be in which position. They will usually
assume the role of victim. Life is hard for them. If you do
exactly what they want then usually they will put you in the
Good Guy corner. You are OK and it?s the drugs and alcohol
that are evil and need to be beaten. The victim will promise
that they will beat their addiction, they will overcome the
drugs and alcohol who are seen as The Bad Guy.
You may feel a sense of unease in doing what they want you
to do, however, you also want to believe them that they will
change and that things will be different. You comply and
start the game.
However, should you not do what they require then they will
switch you into the Bad Guy corner and you become the one
who is frustrating them, causing them grief. They tell you that
it?s all your fault and it?s no wonder they use, they have to in
order to cope with all the bad things you do to them. You are
the Bad Guy and drugs and alcohol, (now the Good Guys),
rescue them from you.
Victim
(usually the user)
Good Guy Bad Guy
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You had nothing to do with the change in roles. It was the
victim who put you into the opposite corner. Now the problem
here is that no one really wants to be the Bad Guy. So, you
can find yourself giving in and doing what?s required because
you don?t want to be put into the Bad Guy corner.
What you need to accept at this point is that you can never
win. The only way you can be the Good Guy is to do what
they want. No matter what, the only positions for you in this
game are uncomfortable, do as they want or be out. There is
no way you can win. Recognising this is another step on the
journey to reclaiming yourself.
Dealing with Loss and Fear
At some point, maybe when caught up in one of those games,
or maybe in the middle of the night when you lie there
wondering if all this will ever end, it dawns on you that the
person you are dealing with now is no longer the person you
once loved and cared about. They are someone different. This
realisation maybe sudden, it may be gradual. It can bring with
it many feelings - sadness, anger, relief, fear.
Losing the person you care about and seeing them change into
a different person, maybe someone who has values and
attitudes alien to you, can be upsetting, difficult, freeing. No
one person can say what that moment of change will mean for
anybody else. You will have your own meaning for it along
with your own feelings. The sense of loss you feel may be
sharp and painful. It can seem like a living loss. The person
you loved is gone and yet a likeness to them is still there.
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The person now in front of you may also be someone who
leaves you feeling fear, for them and for yourself. You may not
want to experience that degree of uncomfortableness and try
to think of them as they were. Holding on to an idealised
image of them, finding excuses for what they are doing now.
These are all ways in which we try to deal with the conflicting
feelings and emotions that confront us. None of them are
wrong, they are just ways of coping with it all. It?s for you to
decide how you want to cope, no one can tell you. Again, it
may be helpful to talk to someone away from your family and
friends about how you feel. Call one of the agencies listed at
the back. Talk to them. It?s what they are there for.
Sometimes the games come true
It?s a sad fact that one day the threats may be true. Threats of
violence may become violence and you may have to involve
the police or other professionals. The threats of self harm may
result in the person you care for being admitted to a
psychiatric hospital. Using drugs or alcohol may bring on, or
make worse, mental health difficulties. They may commit
suicide. There is no way anyone can predict what may happen.
All that can be said is that these are very real possibilities.
Dealing with the fact that the person you care for could end up
in prison, hospital, on the streets, involved in dealing or
prostitution, or dead, are real. These are difficult and complex
issues that you may want to talk through with someone now.
Even if they are just thoughts at the back of your mind.
Talking them through now could help. Details of organisations
you can contact are listed at the back of this booklet. Call
them, it could help.
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Dilemmas and Choices.
There are no right or wrong ways of dealing with situations or
feelings about caring for someone who uses drugs or alcohol.
There are only choices of varying degrees of difficulty.
There are only continuing dilemmas which you have to
manage and balance, taking into account the risks and
possible consequences of any actions. No matter what other
people say you should or should not do, what they would do in
your situation, no one but you can really decide. You know
how much you can deal with.
For example, other people may tell you to be strong, say ?no?,
don?t give in to them, throw them out. Yet could they do it to
their son, daughter, partner, friend? Could they deal with the
constant anxiety and worry about what might be happening to
them? How do you refuse to give your son or daughter money
when you know that they owe it to a dealer and if they don?t
pay they will end up in hospital? How do you not get someone
a bottle of alcohol if you know that the price of not doing so
will be an evening in which they physically, emotionally or
verbally abuse you? There are no easy decisions, there are
only choices which work for now. Being a carer is often about
living with constant dilemmas and choices. What worked today
may not work tomorrow.
What can you do?
The first thing you can do is acknowledge that the situation
you are dealing with is difficult and complex, and whilst other
people might have simple answers, they do not have to live it.
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The only person who can decide what?s right for you, is you.
You have to decide what?s right for you and choose, as far as
you can, where the person you care for and their drug and
alcohol usage is going to fit into your life picture.
Drugs and alcohol may or may not be a part of the life of the
person you care about in the future. They may choose to come
off them. However, that?s their choice, not yours. Your choice
has to be based on what you can control.
It?s back to the life picture you had at the start. If you can
accept that drugs and alcohol will at some level be a part of
that picture, rather than trying to push them out, you can then
decide where you want them to be. Remember the drugs and
alcohol will try to dominate your picture so you may have to
create a box, or some other sort of safe and secure place for
them. Imagine where they are going to be. Will they be safe
there? Can you hold that boundary and not let them dominate
your life?
Do you have things, or maybe people, that you can call upon
to help you if you feel yourself being taken over again? Holding
those boundaries may take more strength than you have at
times. You may not be able to stop playing the game all at
once. Some days you may just play it and give in. It?s OK,
tomorrow is another day.
Don?t do it on your own, call one of the agencies listed. Use
them, ask them to help you, provide a bit of extra strength
and energy. They know what it?s like. Why try to go it alone if
help is at hand. Use them.
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You are the only person who can determine if the drug and
alcohol use of the person you care about will dominate your
life. In the same way that they are the only person who can
determine if they want to stop or not. You cannot do that
for them, neither can they stop the drugs or alcohol affecting
you. You can each only take responsibility for your own lives.
How can I do it?
In tiny steps. No one thing will make life easier for you. Decide
how you want your life picture to be. Accept that there may be
other issues along the way, however, you need to start by
looking at what you would like to change in your life now.
Reclaim it minute by minute, thought by thought, friend
by friend.
Think about all the things the drugs or alcohol have ?stolen?
from your life. Not just the actual things that have gone
missing or the money, but things like peace of mind, security,
friends, sleep, relaxation, fun. Think of something that you
could reclaim. It could be something very small, think about it
and then do something about getting it back into your life.
Holding onto bits of your old life or bringing them back into
your life will be difficult, however, it?s only by setting
boundaries around parts of your life and protecting these that
you can begin to rebuild something for yourself. And this can
help you start to take small steps forward. Don?t feel down or
get put off if when things start to get better they then slip
backwards again. It often happens.
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You will probably not be able to get all of your life back. Some
bits will be lost, how you feel about things will have changed.
You may find yourself being less judgmental about peoples?
lives. You may find that you have changed and no longer have
the same things in common with people you once felt close to.
Friends may have deserted you, others may have provided
huge amounts of support.
Living lives that involve drugs or alcohol, in whatever way they
affect you, means that those lives are unlikely to be lived in
straight lines. The person you care for may resolve to come off
drugs or alcohol. They may go through re-hab; be doing really
well; you may feel life is getting back to normal and relax. The
person starts using again and you are thrown back into the
nightmare. It happens. Use what you?ve learnt from dealing
with it before, find help and support for yourself. It?s not a
failure, it?s par for the course. All you can do is start again, lay
down the boundaries; decide where they will fit into your life
and hold onto the things that you want to keep in your life.
At times you will feel that you have been to hell and back. You
have and you have survived. You will probably not be able to
get all your life as you want it. Who can? You may, though, be
able to get some of it. Doing this and taking control of where
you want drugs and alcohol to fit into your life and not
allowing them to totally dominate won?t necessarily make a
difference to the person who is using. But it might. If they see
you dealing with it, if you step back and stop supporting the
drugs or alcohol, then they may be able to take responsibility
for dealing with them as well. Hope for it, but don?t rely on it.