Is it possible to be depressed without having any idea that you are?

[NorkyButNice]

I've been off work ill since the end of November, and went in today to see Occupational Health. All went well as usual, he'd received the latest update from my neurologist which was all fine, so be rubber-stamped my absence from work for another month and we had a chat about how I am.

He asked how I am generally - he said "are you getting out every day, managing to wash regularly, eat 3 meals a day...are you feeling"

I interrupt "No, I not depressed, if that's what you're getting at!", (said in a jocular fashion).

Him "Ah, interesting you say that! I wasn't actually going to ask you that, but the fact that you mention depression leads me to think that you think you might be, so let's do this clinical questionnaire to see if you are"...

20 questions later, and he's decided that I'm moderately depressed, and I have an appointment booked with the director of the North London Priory for CBT tomorrow afternoon...

Am slightly freaking out because I hadn't considered that I might be depressed at all, but now I've told DH he's said "Well, yes, of course you're depressed - you've been off work for nearly 5 months, feel like crap, can't sleep, probably won't be able to return to work, and basically have no social life due to the side effect of the pills you have to take".

Well thanks for being so supportive darling, I'll just go and section myself now, shall I?

I can be pissed off with my situation without being depressed can't I?

I know this is a long rant so well done if anyone made it to the end - if anyone has any experiences of starting CBT I'd like to hear them (I know it's a very individual experience for everyone)...thanks in advance.

I can't imagine talking about myself for an hour without interruptions from husband or toddler...

The doctor seemed positive it was a good thing to be doing alongside all the drug treatments I'm on.

Thanks for the reply!

I think it's a really positive thing to do, whether you're depressed or not. And it wouldn't be surprising if you are after so long an illness.

How about treating it like a spa session for the brain. May not be strictly necessary but good to be pampered in that way.

And if that approach doesn't appeal, I still think its worthwhile taking your mental health seriously.

Think you can. AFter my dad and best friend died when I was 25 I thought I was fine but a few months later heard a little boy on the tube asking his mum why 'that lady is crying?' It was me and I hadn't even realised I was crying. Still, the rush hour can do that to the sunniest soul. Hope you are OK and feeling better in all departments. I haven't had therapy of any kind but thanks to a fondness for Woody Allen kind of like the idea.

I should add that, yes, I'd be slightly freaked out as well. TBF.

Hope it goes well tomorrow.

Message withdrawn

I've been told that drugs probably won't be used for treatment even if I am diagnosed with depression, as I'm already on a cocktail for my existing condition.

Thanks again for the reassurances everyone

I've been diagnosed with PTSD recently and have been told by my GP and my CBT therapist I've probably had problems with depression for a long while.

CBT? It's like having to empty a cupboard out to tidy it, gets worse before it gets better. I found it's made me remember things I've been trying to forget, which has been hard. From what I gather by the end of it I should be able to cope better with situations I currently find hard.

Hope all goes well for you tomorrow, let us know how you get on.

So?

How was it?

IIRC from my first session, I was a bit numb and shocked afterwards cos it was all just so different to anything i'd done before. Took a while to get my head round it.

Thanks for checking in

It was very strange to be honest - he started of with "So what's the problem", which (considering it wasn't my idea to go in the first place), was an invitation for me to ramble.

I gave him a short explanation of my illness and absence from work and the doctor's latest theory about me being depressed, so that led to him asking all about my job, which led on to family life...he basically asked all about my family history and took copious notes especially on that topic.

He asked about my self-image, how I feel about giving up work, my relationship with DH and DS, and with my parents - he was very thorough indeed.

After an hour he said he needed more time so I've got another appt with him on Tuesday where he said we'll continue where we left off (with me having just told him I'm adopted which seemed to excite him a lot).

I've spent the 36 hours since going over and over it in my head and hating how honest I was with him about stuff, especially my relationship with DH - it feels so dishonest talking to him about stuff that I can't talk to DH about

36 hours? It was only yesterday afternoon - these blinking tablets are going to be the death of my mathematical skills.

I'm late to this Norky but as someone who's had episodes of depression throughout my entire adulthood (and never been sectioned ;) ), I wanted to say it is possible to be depressed and not know it. Every time I have a patch of depression it takes me ages before I put everything together and say "Of course, it's depression again!" I am better at spotting the warning signs now. It sounds like your DH has put it in a nutshell actually, although I know that it's a horrible thing to hear from someone you love.

I think lack of recognition is common for people who associate depression with shame. I still carry that associattion (an attitude I inherited from my childhood & a family who are all very ill but Just Get On With It), although I fight against that every day.

Therapy is great, but it takes a long time to work. Really invest in it - say your unsayable things and trust that it will remain confidential. Good luck!

Thanks Gentle for your post.

I've got another appt this afternoon and I'm really nervous about it. There's something I really should have told him last time which I didn't and I've decided I'm going to get it out this time, but am worried about it.

DH also keeps asking me about the last session so need to work out how to ask him not to ask about it, without making him feel like I'm excluding him. Urgh!

Depression is a funny thing. I am a 'me? depressed? no, no, onwards and upwards' kind of person. Luckily I recognise that now after two episodes in the past 14 years. I'm in the throes of a third episode and still trying to discount it. Just had some tests to exclude any physical cause for the way I'm feeling. The difference this time is that I've already said if there is no physical cause, I will have 6 sessions of counselling and go back on a light dose of anti-depressant.
Counselling is a funny thing. My counsellor agreed with me at the beginning that there was no problem, I didn't know why I needed to be there. An hour later, and I knew exactly why I was there. We would start every session just the same
"How've you been"
"Oh, I'm absolutely fine".
"Good, good, glad to hear it."
An hour later, I'd realise that I wasn't absolutely fine and her skilled questions had made me work out another little way to getting back to absolutely fine.
I think you have to be honest with your dh and explain that sometimes you will want to talk to him about things that have come up during your sessions (and I think that's an essential part of the path to feeling better) but other times you don't want to talk, you just want to reflect on things yourself.

I had absolutely NO idea I was ill until I'd been hospitalised a couple of times - looking back I don't how it was possible to have not latched on to the fact that I was very unwell, but for years I felt very inferior to people who had the presence of mind to see their GP and get help at the onset of symptoms

I had another appt yesterday - it went really well actually. I cleared up one of my main worries (whether I could only talk to him about issues surrounding my current illness and my return to work - he confirmed I could talk about anything).

I'd decided I was going to open up fully so I did - he somehow knew all the right questions to ask, so got me to admit some things that nobody else knows (quite a relief to tell someone).

He's referring me on to a clinical psychologist he works with as she specialises in the areas we talked about.

Glad to hear it went well - use the opportunity to 'deconstruct' and then rebuild yourself a bit, ready for when you're really better and ready to return to your full life.
I went for counselling once when I was having trouble coping with one of the dcs and spent a lot of time talking about a totally different issue - by the time I finished counselling, the child had grown out of whatever the trouble was in the first place!

Well done Norky! That took some guts. Hope the clinical psychologist helps even more.