Where to start with this one...

[blackdogsdw]

I don't know how to help my DH with his (what seems to me obvious) depression.

A little background...we've been together for nearly 9 years, married for 4, and our first baby was born last year. Due to him having problems finding decent employment over the years we are in a lot of debt, so although I have a well-paid (full time) job and he works (also full time, though for less money) we very rarely have anything to spend on "extras".

We have now reached a point in our lives where we live relatively comfortably; we rent a nice flat and are never struggling to pay bills, and we decided that if we waited until all the debts were paid off before we tried to get pregnant, we never would...hence having DD last year.

My DH has always suffered from mild depression, although it's never been diagnosed because every time I convince him to make an appointment and discuss it with the doctor, he puts it off at the last minute. Before it was always because he didn't want to get slapped on medication, now there is the added concern that if there is a record of depression in the house, SS might take an interest in DD...

Now it is becoming more clear that he is not going to be able to kick this on his own. In the past we could always put it down to unemployment ("I'd feel better if I had a job" - well now he has, and he doesn't), struggling with finances ("things will get better when we can pay the rent on time" - well now we can, and they haven't), or his creative pursuits not finding an outlet ("I'll be happy when I can write" - well now he does, and he isn't). It's almost as if the more things start to go right, the more he finds that makes him miserable. It doesn't help that with a new baby in the house he is always tired, and because I work nights, in addition to his day job he is responsible for looking after her in the evenings and when she wakes up in the early hours. I suppose it must almost be like being a single parent for him...

Anyway, without going into any more details, it's starting to feel like nothing is ever going to change, and the harder I work to put things into place that might help him to be happy, the more reasons he finds to be miserable. I'm quite a positive person usually, but it gets me down from time to time and I'm getting to the end of my tether. ANY suggestions would be of great value, especially if anyone has had experience of reporting depression to the medical profession for the first time when there's a wee one to consider.

I personally have not found GP's to be particularly helpful when it comes to mental health issues. There is usually a long waiting list and no guarantee that the therapist you will see will be the right one for you (or your DH in this case).

If finances permit (and many therapists are more than willing to reduce their normal fees if people cannot afford them) I would seek out a private therapist your DH feels comfortable with.

Also, in my experience and I have done a LOT of reading and research on this issue due to my own problems, the vast majority if not all mental health issues in adulthood stem from problems in childhood between the child and his parent(s). However your DH may not even be consciously aware that he probably had a difficult relationship with his parent(s) as a child. And by difficult relationship I do not necessarily mean abuse. There are many many many factors which cause problems between a child and his parent(s) and even if there was no obvious overt abuse your DH may still have not had the type of relationship a child needs to have with his parents in order to grow up into a mentally healthy adult.

Sorry to ramble on so much, wasn't planning to post so much but I hope your DH seeks help, both for his own sake and for yours and your DD's. Good Luck. He is lucky that you care enough about him to post on here.

"However your DH may not even be consciously aware that he probably had a difficult relationship with his parent(s) as a child."

Oh, believe me, oneplusone, he's fully aware that most of his issues stem from his relationship with his parents. I really do feel some form of talking therapy would be the best way forward for him, but again, it's getting him into it. We've tried a couple of CBT books but keeping the momentum going is hard, and I don't want him to feel that it's all me - he has to want to get better before he can, right? We know waiting lists for talking therapies on the NHS are always really long, and that sessions are limited, which is another reason why he's avoided the GP so far. There is a private counsellor working out of our health centre who I'd like to make an appointment with, but again, money being tight he's reluctant to spend on his own health - although quite willing to spend on DD's. Maybe that's a way forward, pointing out that unless he resolves his sh*t, it's going to have a knock on effect on her once she's old enough to understand it.

Ok, that's good, that he is aware where the root of his problems lie. He may not be ready yet to face up to the difficulties/traumas/pain he experienced in childhood. I know from my own experience it is very hard indeed, and very painful to face up to things you have kept buried for years.

But my motivation, and it may also work for your DH like you say, is that I absolutely do not want to put my DC's through what i went through as a child and the only way to do that is to take all the skeletons out of my closet and face them. Perhaps your DH might want to have a look at the Stately Homes threads in Relationships, all of us on there are dealing with difficult childhoods and just reading that thread may help your DH. I know it must be very hard for you as well, as his partner, but if you support him, perhaps he will find the courage and determination to deal with his issues.

I've been having a look at the Stately Homes threads (there's rather a lot of them!) and thank you so much for pointing me over there. I can already see some posts that sound very similar to DH's parental issues (more his dad than his mum TBH) - he refuses to describe his experiences as "abusive", but he might be okay with "toxic" because they definitely were. I won't go into detail for now but the key (I think) is that his father convinced him that he did not deserve to ever be happy as he did not conform to the image of the ideal son. It sounds so trite compared to a lot of other people's horrible parents but it has really messed him up and now he is in danger of letting it overwhelm him right when he should be enjoying his time with our DD.

I'm going to pick some posts selectively and discuss them with him, see if it sparks any reaction. Thank you again.

I just wanted to confirm what the Hedgewitch said. I work in mental health/ss and I've also suffered from PND.

There is absolutely no reason to be concerned about anyone taking an interest in dd just because your husband is diagnosed with depression, so please put this from your mind. SS will not be informed unless there was some concrete risk to your dd (or to your husband for that matter) and if there was, this would be discussed with you.

Good luck with the gentle persuasion.

You're welcome. There are a lot of Stately Homes threads (we're on no.5 at the mo) but hopefully you and your DH can see that it a very supportive, non-judgmental and safe place to post whatever it is that is on your/his mind.

Good Luck to you, all 3 of you deserve to be happy and live a peaceful and contented life. It is possible to be free of depression and feel alive again, I know because i have been where your DH is and have come out the other side.

Jus to confirm that there's no need to worry about SS being involved; I've had PND with each of my three children and it never occured to me that they might be informed.
You sound intuitive, concerned and supportive, and I hope you both get things sorted.