Where to go from here? (Long)

[Claire2009]

I have an on/off depression problem. From a v bad childhood, my last r/s which was d/v, controlling & trapped in a foreign country and on top of that pnd after each of my Children.

I am supposed to be on AD's long term, but I seem to take them for 6-8wks and feel better and tell myself everything is great so I forget to take them and end up not on them.
2-3 mths later I am back to square one & down again, I was last on the AD's in Nov/December and since Jan/Feb i've been having 'down' episodes where I just don't care & think my kids' are better off without me.
I change my routine around so I get out more etc and it keeps it at bay, I have good days & bad days..about equal of both at the moment.

Today has been a bad day, my head feels like its going to explode, what with fighting toddlers & whinging and then wrecking the house when I've just cleaned it etc etc...toddler stuff basically..

I'm not sure where to go from here.
I done some counselling in August'08 but didnt find it much use so quit after 3 sessions..I don't want to be on AD's forever, I want to be happy but don't know how to be/how to get out of this whirlwind of emotion.
When I am 'down' I have a bit of a temper too, a shouting one, its not nice and I want to be in control of myself - I dont feel I am.

The phn was round 2wks ago for Ds's 2yr check up & I was so so tempted to talk to her about it but she didn't ask "How are you feeling" so I didnt bother.

I feel stuck, I'm on my own with 2 kids and very little family ; I have my sister with her DH and 2 DD's they are the main family I have closeby...

I go out to M&T groups, I get out a fair bit.

I don't want ss involved at all if its possible due to childhood history etc

Where do I go from here?

Really don't have any advice, but didn't want you to feel ignored.

Hopefully this will bump for you, and someone with good advice will come along.

Thankyou

You have my sympathy. I've been on ADs (Seroxat) for years and am now gradually tapering the dose with the aim of quitting them completely. However, they did give me my life back, so my advice would be to stick with the recommended dose consistently, otherwise you are just undoing all the good you have done by taking them for 6-8 weeks. If you didn't find the counselling useful, it might be because the counsellor wasn't right for you - could you see someone different?
But don't be too hard on yourself - you have taken steps to improve your routine, you get out and spend time with other people, and I am sure you are a good mother. And looking after toddlers is bloody annoying and boring, a lot of the time, even for people in the most robust mental health.

Thanks Bluestocking, I have the tablets, I have 2 boxes of 28 (Fluoxetine) from where I stopped taking them, I think I want to take them but I want to take them and not come off them..its the remembering them.

When i take them i feel not much emotion, which i dont like, i dont feel right. Its like its not me?!

Not sure about seeing another counsellor, when I went onto the AD's in Nov/Dec that was down to me asking for them, I explained to the doc I wasnt right etc and he put me on them fine. He knows most of my history. He did say to come back after xmas for a chat about a long term plan and I wonder if that would mean phsychiatry? (sp?) I've had that twice before, I find that more useful..

Afaik counselling is talking, talking and talking and working out the problem yourself..Whereas Psychiatry is talking and letting the professional find the problem?

I dont know where I want to go, I do need help and more than just staying on AD's...

Back to the doc's I think for a long chat but its doing it when I have no kids - which is v v difficult in itself!

Claire hi again - we "chatted" on my thread yesterday. I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so low. The only advice I can give is to try counselling again - it IS hard at the beginning but if you have the right counsellor for you it will help enormously and allow you to process the stuff that I suspect you still need to work through, if that makes any sense? It will take time though - maybe a year at least, but it will give you the inner resources to cope with what has happened to you and help you through the dark patches. Big hugs

Thanks Ilovecremeeggs I'll go back to the doctors next week and ask about counselling again, I just found the lady I saw useless. She sat there for the 45min sessions smiling and nodding.......no words apart from "hello come this way" and "so you can start now" at the beginning.......

It may be that she subscribed to the theory that the client has to set the agenda and be allowed to "tell her story". The smiling and nodding would have been her way of showing you she was understanding and accepting you but admittedly not sufficient for what you needed at the time and she should maybe have picked up on this. I would make it clear at the outset this time what it is you want from counselling and hopefully the counsellor will be flexible enough to provide that. At the end of the day it's all about understanding and empowerment and about feeling you can trust the counsellor enough to get everything out, even if you've never been able to say to anyone else before

You may need to give it 2 or 3 sessions though to see if it's going like you want it to as it's unlikely you will form a strong relationship with the counsellor in any less than 3 sessions.

Thanks, I'll do that, I done 3 sessions with her and really didn't feel right.