So fed up today

[ErikaMaye]

I have Borderline Personality Disorder, and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and am two months pregnant.

Today I feel so down, I just want to scream and cry and do all the damaging things to myself I stopped doing once I found out I was expecting. I can't rant on the support groups on facebook because my other half is on there, and I don't want to drag him down. He's incredably supportive, but I want hima nd everyone else to think I'm okay off my meds so they don't say I'm unsutable to be a mother.

I'm so frightened, and feel so crap in myself in every possible sense. I don't know what the best thing to do is about anything whatsoever.

I feel guilty because I'm not excited about the baby. I can't even be positive when I'm in mindsets like this. I don't want to be a bad mother. I'm so frightened I will be.

I'm trying to stay positive, thinking about the good things that are going to happen but right now I can't think of any. I want to just disappear, stop dragging everyone down, and be someone comepltely different, someone completely NORMAL.

The voices are shouting at me so loudly, and I just want to cry. I'm off all my meds and I was doing okay, but today I'm struggling so much.

Every time I'm sick it reminds me of when I had bulmia. I thought I was okay, thought I was out of that phase, but the daemons are still so strong, and they keep telling me how very fat I am already. I'm being told to throw myself down the stairs again.

I just feel so lonely.

Some of my old friends have outrightly called me a slut for falling pregnant. And that's really hurting me, as I didn't have many friends to begin with.

I'm sorry if this is annoying anyone or whatever, but I needed to get it out of my system. I tried to get hold of my therapist, but she's on annual leave today.

I'm so scared, angry, upset, confused, hurt, lonely... I'm surrounded by people but the room feels empty...

you need to go to your doctor urgently. get a review of your meds and a team of people in place to help you.

good luck

are there not some alternative meds that are suitable during pregnancy?

get to gp asap

Echoing what blushingm and custy said. Please go to your GP. Have you tried this website?

I do hope you can find some inner peace soon. I have also been in your situation. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Wishing all strength to you.

Erika are you ok?

How are you feeling today? Please let us know. Hope you're ok.

Still really struggling. Can't hold it together for very much longer.

I can't try and kill myself again whilst I'm pregnant, because its just not fair on the baby. But I'm really struggling.

I see thwo therapists a week - I'm practically begging to them to readmit me to a physc unit because I really want to be okay, and right now I need the help. But they're insisting I'm not ill enough.

I'm trying so hard - I haven't cut myself since the day I found out I was expecting, which is a huge thing, because before that, I was cutting every day at least twice for nearly nine years.

I feel so alone in the whole situation. I don;t know where I can turn.

Please don't get me wrong, I'm trying so very hard to be okay, but I just feel like I'm letting everyone down, that I'm being s burden...

This group might be helpful:

health.groups.yahoo.com/group/BorderlineUK/

It sounds like you're trying really hard to be responsible and look after yourself and your baby. Don't give up on yourself, and you're not a burden. BPD is HARD work.

I'm so sorry to hear that.It sounds like you're really struggling. Well done on not cutting. To go from doing it so often to not doing it at all is amazing.
It's terrible that your therapists are not really hearing you properly. Are your therapists specialists in BPD treatment?
I ask becuase I'm about to start treatment for BPD at a local centre where they use Mentalisation therapy. This is a useful website. I've just being diagnosed with BPD at the age of 35! I've had it for at least 20 years and you know having the diagnosis really helped me. Instead of thinking that I've fucked everything up all my life I now realise that I've done a bloody good job, considering the hand I've been dealt. The thing about BPD is that it is so disabling but taboo at the same time.
You're doing the right thing coming on here though. Where do you live? Do you have any other support?
If you want to email me you can, [email protected]

Keep strong my love.

I'm away for a couple of days and I won't have access to a PC. I'll check back on Friday. Hope you are feeling ok.

Thankyou so much... That;s so kind of you.

I was actually having a really good day - saw the midwife for the first time, and was completely honest with her, although it was so hard. And she promised me the baby won't be taken away because of all my issues, so that's made me feel so much better.

But I've just been attacked by supposed friends who have just called me a sl*t, told me I'm wasting my life, and that I've let everyone down. Its really hurting, because I'm not excatly proud of myself for the situation I've got myself in, I made a mistake! But I'm trying really hard to be positive and do everything I possibly can for the baby.

I'm feeling a bit better now, having spoken to some friends but just... Its annoying. I hate that people are so judgemental of young mothers...

So glad that you had a good day. It sounds as if you can get support form your midwife. Can I ask what part of the country you're in? Some areas have better services than others.

Please don't listen to your "so-called friends". It's hard enough for you to be strong without other people sabotaging it for you. So you got pregnant unexpectedly- snap, in fact snap twice as I now have two little surprises! You don't say how old you are but imho age is pretty irrelevant when it comes to being a loving parent. Already you have changed so much about your life for the sake of your unborn baby. That is pretty amazing .
Things WILL get better, just hang on in there, you're doing a great job.
Better go to bed now as I have a train journey in the morning with an 8 year old DD and a lively 14 month old DS. Wish me strength!
Take care of yourself.

How are you doing?

Sorry for delay, its been a rough few weeks.

I was doing okay, then things got really tough at home again. My mum ended up telling me that I was being selfish and not trying to get better, and tearing the family apart.

Now my boyfriend is struggling with him "stuff" again, and has said he wants some time to himself. I do get that, I really do, but right now I feel so alone, and want nothing more than to have him wrap me in his arms and tell me its all okay. As much as he's said he's not leaving me and that he just needs to work through things by himself right now, I want to scream, "BUT I NEED YOU!". I don't HAVE anyone else. I feel so alone.