social phobia harming my marriage.

[beanie35]

I was brought up in a family where it was made plain that no one outside of us was needed (i.e, friends) my mum hated us bringing people home, just as her mum did when she was young. Anyway, I am now in my 30s and have only had 1 good friend all my life, we don't see each other now, as I made little effort in the end. I don't enjoy socialising at all, but I am always polite and friendly when I am forced to attend social activities. My partner told me last night that he feels Im making him unhappy because of this. He is a very socialable person and feels comfortable in the company of new and old friends, but I am a nervous wreck. I always feel that it has to be down to me to make all the effort if I go out, I never feel interesting enough or good enough when I meet new people, the sweat secretly rolls off me as I desperately try to make an effort with people, when all I really want to do is be at home, reading or watching tv. I feel safe indoors, away from being judged and having to make an effort. What can I do to change the habits I've had for 30 years?

I don't have social phobia but I am extremely shy. My advice is to get out there and act like you are confident, even if you feel like you are quaking inside. I think after a while it becomes more natural. Although, I think for me there will always be a part of me that is shy, as that is my nature. You could build up to more difficult situations as you feel more confident with the less difficult ones.

Perhaps just accepting that you are the way you are would help? Your anxiety is there to protect you. Something about the social situations makes you afraid and that's OK - it's just the way you are because that's the way you were raised. Can you find a compromise which will help your husband and will be acceptable to you?

I also believe that I have social anxiety, although never diagnosed. I try things like:

1. limit the amount of time you have to socialise - don't try to spend a day with friends, tell them you're free for an hour and then it might seem less difficult

2. meet on safe territory - have people to your house instead of visting them or meet in a neutral, public place

3. when you are there, try really hard to focus on the person you're with, instead of the anxiety you feel. Try to look and feel excited about talking to them and try to feel some kind of enjoyment or at least some benefit from the ocassion. Sometimes mind over matter helps.

4. stick to the people who you feel comfortable with and not the ones who you really believe will judge you.

I bet you are interesting and I bet other people are also worried about being interesting to you. Get your husband to support you - I'm sure he would do what he could to help in these situations.

Hi Just read your message beanie35 and I must say at lot of what you say feels just like how I feel. I feel pressured to socailize to and I hate it. Thanks for posting your message it makes me feel like I am not the only one to feel this way.