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Mental health

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Flip

Original poster

I need help or I might just go

17 replies

Nabster · 01/04/2009 14:06

How can I fix a broken heart? How can I turn off feelings?

OP posts:

Nessaroselikeseastereggs · 01/04/2009 14:17

Nabster whats happened? Are you ok?

piratecat · 01/04/2009 14:19

you have to go and get help. where i don't know tho.

Original poster

Nabster · 01/04/2009 14:24

me neither

I miss someone so much and they won't talk to me. realised never stopped loving them and now i just want to be alone

OP posts:

piratecat · 01/04/2009 14:25

you need to leave your dh. it's surely not fair.
you need to realsie this is your one and only life. sounds harsh but it's true. my husband left me, and i miss and love him, but I have to carry on.

Original poster

Nabster · 01/04/2009 14:31

I love my dh too.

It doesn't make any sense.

I have no choice as he won't talk to me anyway.

Ii am struggling with so much at the moment and this guy is entwined with all that as he was there when a lot of it happened.

I want my hubby here. I miss him. I love him. Just feel this guy has something over me.

OP posts:

Idranktheeasterspirits · 01/04/2009 14:34

He won't talk to you because he doesn't feel the same as you. Sorry. (genuinely sorry)

All of this unrequited angst stuff is bollocks. If you had actually both left your partners and got it together i can guarantee you would be stuck in the daily dullness of smelly socks and resentment over who does the most housework within a few months.

If you don't love your husband then it is only fair to be honest and split, he deserves the chance to move on just as much as you do.
Don't split because you have some misguided romantic notion that there is a torrid love affair out there waiting for you to be free though. Split because it is right for you and husband if you absolutely do not want your marriage anymore.

And if you do split be fair, let your husband be angry, sad, bitter, all of the emotions that can come with a split. Make as much of an effort as possible to be co-parents if you cannot be in a relationship. And finally, learn to accept that not wanting to be in a relationship with someone does not make you an evil person, it makes you human.

Original poster

Nabster · 01/04/2009 14:38

Thats the problem though. I do love my husband but I miss this guy. He is on my mind all the time. Neither of us want to leave our spouses but we want to be together if things were different.

I am going now to get in the real world and work out how I can get through this as ultimately what I want is what I had 6 months ago.

Thanks.

OP posts:

beanieb · 01/04/2009 14:40

Has he said he wants to be with you?

If so then I think if you sdon't want to be with your husband you should leave him and try to get through all that as quickly but easily as possible. Other man will support you in this I am sure.

Original poster

Nabster · 01/04/2009 14:41

we both have our reasons for not wanting to leave but we do want to be together too. it a mess but i am going to sort it out as this is not fair on my dh.

OP posts:

compo · 01/04/2009 14:46

if he won;'t talk to you then why do you think he wants to be with you?

Idranktheeasterspirits · 01/04/2009 14:49

How are you going to sort it out?

I have to be honest, he sounds like a bit of a cad. Anyone who genuinely loves someone else would not be able to continue in a marriage with someone else.
It's a case of put up or shut up.

You keep saying you want to be together but neither of you have made that step to make it happen. You also say on here frequently that you still love your husband.

You either still want to be married to him or you don't.
I think/suspect that this is tied up in some sort of trauma that you're going through at the moment? I seem to recall that much from your recent threads.

Don't make a lifechanging decision based on fuzzy logic to be with someone who doesn't sound as if he genuinely feels the same way. He isn't deserving of you.

Perhaps your husband isn't right for you either, who knows.

Ultimately, you need to be happy in your own skin to be happy in any relationship.

Rather than thinking about who is right for you, how about concentrating on making yourself mentally well first.
Have you got access to decent counselling at the moment?
Do you have any close family or friends you could stay with if you wanted to have a trial spearation from your husband whilst you sort yourself out.

I just don't think you can truly decide whether or not your marriage can work whilst there is lots of other shit going on.

piratecat · 01/04/2009 17:26

if he said, right that's it i am leaving me partner, would you go?

SlebMner · 01/04/2009 17:29

i think you need a clean break from both men

if you truly deep down love your DH, you would not be considering this other man

all the counselling in the world wonm;t work , if oyu are in love with someone else

your dh has put up with a lot

you need to stop wanting your cake and eating it

i feel desperately sorry for yours and his spouses who must feel so unwanted and second best

again

naswm · 01/04/2009 23:34

Nabster - are you around this evening? Sending lots of hugs and offering two ears

hobbgoblin · 01/04/2009 23:37

there is love and then there is enough love. maybe you don't love your DH enough, and perhaps the other guy doesn't love you enough but sure as hell you don't love yourself enough.

You are torturing yourself and living in misery because of it. Just as I my dear, just as I.

naswm · 02/04/2009 10:45

Nabster - I need to keep away from MN today, but I would like to maintain contact with you - do you have CAT? Will you CAT me if you want to continue talking?

ActingNormal · 02/04/2009 16:16

SlebMNer, you said:

"if you truly deep down love your DH, you would not be considering this other man

all the counselling in the world wonm;t work , if oyu are in love with someone else"

Thinking from my own experience I don't agree that what you said is always the case. I loved my DH and 'considered' another man because I had emotional issues which meant that although I loved DH, I never felt I could get enough (to fill the gap in my soul left by a substandard childhood).

I did feel that I was in love with someone else, and although it did affect the closeness of my marriage because when you are thinking about someone else your attention is taken away from your DH, counselling DID work! We examined what it was I thought I could get from the other man and why this would not work (because the 'gap in my soul' I was talking about can not be filled by sleeping around or any sort of extreme or addictive behaviour) and why he was not actually the man I had 'made him into' in my head.

On analysing it I realised my DH had nearly all the things that the OM had and several more things that he didn't. It was just a case of breaking the 'addiction' that I think falling in love is through time and separation. At the same time I worked through issues I had in my marriage that were putting a barrier between us and my marriage got closer and happier and I started getting more and more contented at home at the same time as letting my feelings for OM fade.

I feel almost 'in love' with DH again (if this is possible after being together years and years).

I'm not saying this to be smug, but to give some hope to Nab that it can come right!

Flip