Living in the past... What is wrong with me???

[Paranoid1stTimer]

I am SAHM with a 1 yr old and I love him with all my heart and soul. So why can't I just relax and enjoy my life with him? DH goes out to work every day so I can stay and look after LO but I am increasingly finding myself obsessing over things that happened in the past (all bad) like wondering why (I think) no one liked me in my last job and why my old boss thought he could treat me like a little kid giving me no respect and bullying me but treating other staff with a decorum of respect. Wondering why old relationships failed and "what if" etc. Why my life isn't what I expected it to be when I was younger (I know it is because reality isn't what you invisage for yourself when you are young).

Anyway, I know this sounds pathetic but I really just wonder if this way of thinking is a pointer to something deeper. I have been to GP but chickened out of actually saying I think I am anxious/depressed because the GP isn't really interested as they are so busy and I didn't feel up to pouring my heart out to a stranger who I felt was just thinking "Hurry up - I have a surgery full of patients waiting to see me".

Sorry - this all sounds so pathetic. I just want to be able to enjoy my life with DP and DS but I am constantly thinking about every little thing from my past failure of a life instead of realising how amazing it is now and lucky I am to have my LO.

I can't really talk to anyone in RL as they are of the mind that I should just "cheer up for f*ks sake" and "pull yourself together woman" so I am once again posting on here...

Thanks so much for reading...

You don't sound pathetic at all.

The birth of a first child can often bring to the fore problems from the past. You may find that although you are thinking a lot about the way you were treated in former jobs/relationships but it is actually to do with things from even further back.

It does sound like you are subconsciously trying to process something and I would really recommend getting referred to a counsellor who can help you sort through all that.

If you can, go back to your GP and say you are feeling very anxious and you don't feel in control of it. That you would like to be referred for counselling.

Don't listen to people telling you to "pull yourself together". This is something that needs attention and the GP will take you seriously, you just need to let them know how you are feeling.

Good luck

Thanks dollius.. I just asked for my original message to be removed as I read it back and thought it just sounded like self indulgent cr@p.

Thanks though - you must have hit on somthing there though because your post made me cry. It just clicked when you said I must be trying to process something... I guess I will just have to be brave and talk to the GP.

Thank you so much

It's not self-indulgent at all. You have a little one to take care of now and you can't do that if you aren't 100% yourself. It is responsible to take this seriously and get it sorted out.

Really hope all goes well.

Hi - just wanted to say hello and say I am going through much the same thing myself at the moment - and could have written practically the same post (with slight variations on the "self indulgent crap"

Hope you make it to your GP. I am also hoping to get to mine sometime soon and start sorting this out!!

FruitLoaf wow - I know people always say that no one really experiences anything that someone else hasn't been through/is going through but sometimes you do feel really alone. Especially with something like this...

Thanks for sharing. It really does make you feel a little less isolated in it all.

I think its a 'being at home with baby' thing- there is a lot of stuff to think about (practical) but not enough to really engage your brain with iykwim, so you dwell.

So what I'm trying to say is, it is normal. it an adjustment time. It will get worse when dc are at chatterbox nonsense toddler stage, but ease when they are at school!

Try to keep mind on something adult- read a (proper) paper, listen to radio when dc asleep, and get out of the house and talk to people.

babies arent great company for many people. But I really think this is normal adjustment time. hth

You're welcome! I very rarely post on here, but your message reminded me so much of myself that I just had to.

In the last week I have finally come to realise that I need to do something to reverse the cycle of negative thinking, deal with things that happened in the past and then leave them there! - mainly because I don't want it to affect my DC's but also for my DP and myself.

So, thank you to you too. You're right - it does help to share - what we need to do now is be brave enough to go and share with our GP's!!

I do agree with the adjustment time thing as well - but feel I really should have adjusted by now, DD is 2.2 years and DS 6 months. Everytime I see a little light at the end of the tunnel something seems to happen to set me back.

Just wanted to say that how your feeling sounds a bit like how I felt after I had my DD. I also Kept my feeling to myself and didnt tell gp or health visitor and in the end one day I went to the GP's because my dd had cold and ear infection and I ended up bursting into tears in a right state and couldnt stop told him everything I felt.
I was diagnoised with PND that was over a year ago now.

So my advise to you if you dont mind me saying is talk to someone now before it gets worse. I left it and left it and made it worse I am not saying you have PND but you dont need to feel like this on your own.
By the way you are not pathetic thinking like you do and dont worry about those people at work the are propbably just jelous anyway as you have a beautiful little boy and have time to take care of him while they have to work.
Takecare