My DH is depressed but won't get help.

[Confuzzeled]

Living with my DH at the moment is a nightmare, he is horrible to me and I'm so scared he's going to end up hurting himself.

Due to a number of things his mood has slowly got worse and worse over the last few weeks. I think it's been going on for allot longer but it seems to be peaking now.

I went through PND and I know some of what he's feeling but when I try to empathise with him he brushes me off. I've told him he's at the point where he needs to get help but he keeps making excuses. We moved last summer and he's still not registered at our local doctor, I want him to go and see a doctor who can give him a bit more insight to help thats available. We can't afford a private therapist and I know the NHS waiting lists are long.

Many many years ago he went through a really low point and he once confessed to wanting to walk in front of a bus because it seemed so easy. Last year he was watching programmes on tv about people jumping off bridges and he said he respected those people allot. Not long after that when he was stressed he made a comment about jumping off a bridge and he looked so serious it scared me.

He's also comfort eating and not doing any exercise so he's put on quite a bit of weight. I know this also adds to his depression and puts him at risk for heart attack and heart disease.

He won't talk to me and I think he blames me for allot of his stress.

I don't know what to do.

Even though NHS waiting lists are long they won't leave your DH desperate if he needs help. When my dh was waiting for a counselling appointment his GP saw him every week as well. If he's in immediate danger someone will see him straight away. You can always talk to GP for him (just the suggestion that you're doing this might be enough to get him there). You also need support for you. There is help out there. Honestly.

Thanks, but since he won't register at the doctor, I'm not sure if my gp will talk to me about him. I guess he could give me some suggestions.

do you think he recognises that he is depressed? keep telling him you are worried about him, not in a nagging way if poss! maybe get him to the GP under the guise of some concern for his physical wellbeing?

you can definitely talk to your GP about it, perhaps get some support for yourself - in the meantime are there any friends/family members he might listen to? it might take a while before it all sinks in

I have told him numerous times that I think he's depressed and stressed. He does admit to maybe being a bit depressed and he admits to being under allot of stress. However he says he just needs to get on with it and he has no other choice.

He really liked his old gp and he'd probably talk to him but now we've moved he won't go to our new doctor and even register.

Our friends have been really crap since we had our dd and we very rarely see anyone. When we do it's only ever for a short time and there's usually drinking involved and that doesn't help. His 2 best friends live quite far away and he'd go spare if I spoke to them behind his back. His brother moved to Canada last summer and they were quite close, I wish he was still here as he would've been able to help.

His parents have enough on their plate and I'm not going to involve them.

I've just found an online leaflet about depression and emailed it to him, whether he reads it or not is up to him I guess.

Sorry, don't mean to dismiss your suggestions but am feeling a bit hopeless about it all. I'm pregnant and we have a toddler so I'm so bloody tired all the time.

GP will certainly talk to you about it - the only thing they can do is give out info about a patient. You might be able to register him yourself - you'll certainly be able to get the forms for him to fill in (I'm pretty sure my H registered me).

I know the feeling. I had all this with dh last year. I finally got him to a GP because he had gone too far and he admits that he should have gone a lot earlier.

You could still talk to his brother, even though he's far away. You need support in this too. This is not just about him!

Keep trying to get him help, talk to your gp about what could be done to help him.

In the meantime St Johns Wort and loads of fresh fruit and veg will be good for his depression and also will help with the weight issues.

Tell him you are changing your diet to help with the pregnancy tiredness and would like his support. He will take it better if he thinks he is helping you and not himself iyswim?

I'm not surprised you feel that way, it must be difficult enough without 'carrying' him as well. Are you getting enough (any?) support for yourself?

Maybe you will have to force him, deliver some sort of ultimatum, if things get any worse? Maybe someone who has been in a similar boat will come along soon. In the meantime you absolutely can see the GP yourself and talk about it, who knows, they might have some practical ideas?

I actually have a bottle of st john's wort in my cupboard that I bought for my pnd then discovered I couldn't take it while bf'ing.

I have been trying to cook healthy meals and not have junk in the house but he buys stuff when he's out and he eats allot of dd's food. I can't keep any cheese or bread in the house because he just munches it. He got really into building a veg patch then got half way and gave up. I've got to keep encouraging him, he's such a sweet loving man I hate seeing him like this.

He pays £50 a month for the gym but hardly ever goes. He has 3 bikes and used to go out all the time, now there's always a reason not to.

I'll go to gp and see if i can register him.

Definitely make an appointment for you too, to discuss things. I really think the more people around you that know the more likely he is to improve. Sometimes just making a decision to go to a GP is enough to break the depressive cycle. It's so hard to see what you need when depressed.

Could you suggest going for walks together. To 'help you not gain too much weight during pregnancy'?

Why does dd have different food? If you are eating healthily she should be able to eat with you.

Spike his food with SJW

I wish I could suggest more. It sounds like this is very hard for you, when you already have a lot to cope with. I hope your GP can offer you more practical advise.

Keep talking to your DH and let him know how concerned for him you are and how much you love him.

I get depressed sometime and exercise and good food does wonders for me, but obv I don't how depressed your DH is as I don't know him, but if it is only mild depression lifestyle changes could help immensely.

YouKnow, how is your dh now?

MitchyInge, He gave me an ultimatum when I had pnd, it was what put me on anti-d's. I'm off them now and when I tried this tactic with dh he said he would never take anti-d's.

Oh, I actually got a reply to my email, he must have read the article because he simply says he knows he needs some help and he'll speak to me later. He said he loves me too. Maybe a breakthrough? Maybe he knows my MN name and has been reading this thread, eeeeeek.

sounds promising!

keep us posted

SeaShells, I will try and get him out more, I know exercise would help him.

My dd has some things that are good for her that we don't have in our diet. She has cheese and bread while we don't. She also has yogarts, fruit bars, oat cakes, cheesy biscuits for snacking, full fat milk. All these things are okay in small amounts but not if you eat a whole block of cheese with an entire loaf of bread. This is part of the problem.

Ah I see.

I hope it works out for you, with the talk and he gets the help he needs.

Good luck

Cheers SheSells

DH still not well but he has other ishoos so don't go by his progress!

DH started off saying he wouldn't go near ADs, but with support of GP and counsellor he realised it wasn't an admission of weakness. They did help.

Glad he's admitting he needs help hope it's the beginning of good things for you both.

Thanks YouKnow, hope things get better with you too.

Thanks Confuzzled. Let us know how it goes at the GP and if you need any support then there's always someone here to listen. Make sure you're not alone in all of this.