I am a crap mother - didn't deserve any mother's day presents - can't stop crying

[iwouldgoouttonight]

DD was born two months ago and I've been coping ok, I definitely don't feel the despair and depression I felt after DS was born. But I often feel I just can't cope with two children. On the days DS is at nursery I am absolutely fine, and love the days with me and DD, it helps that she is a really easy laid back baby. But on the days when I have them both to look after I wake up dreading it - DS is 2.5 yrs and can be quite tiring, but just a normal lovely toddler.

The last few days I've felt worse and have cried a few times to DP and told him how I don't feel I can cope, it just seems so difficult and exhausting. Even going to the park seems like a mammoth task with everything I have to get ready, trying to calm DS down when he kicks up a fuss about not wanting to go in pushchair, etc. But once I've got out I normally feel much better.

Well, yesterday being mother's day I was secretly looking forward to maybe having a lie in or something nice but nobody even wished me happy mother's day. I didn't say anything as thought maybe DP had planned something for later or forgotten and had to rush out to the shop for last minute flowers or something! But when it got to the evening it was apparent DP had just not bothered, and hadn't even told DS it was mother's day. I asked DP about it and he had no answer - just went all quiet, muttered something about not thinking it was important, and went off to empty the dishwasher (presumably to try to make amends!)

But since then I just can't stop crying. I went to bed really early but couldn't sleep and cried all evening and then woke up this morning at 5am and as soon as I thought about it I burst into tears and haven't stopped crying since! It seems DP has slept downstairs with DD and has been doing the night feeds, I suppose to try to make me feel better by having a good nights sleep, although he didn't tell me this so when I woke at 5am I had no idea where they were!

DP is normally really good and helps me a lot, although he does also work a lot so I often have both DCs on my own at weekends sometimes. But him not bothering with mother's day seems to have opened the floodgates and I just can't stop crying. Its like its been confirmed that I am a crap mother and can't cope without him having to help me loads.

Now I just can't even get myself out of bed - the thought of looking after both DCs today when I can't stop crying is filling me with dread and despair. And I don't know how to approach DP when I go downstairs - I should be grateful that he's let me have a full nights sleep but I can't stop feeling upset with him for not even wanting to acknowledge me as a mother even though he knew I how crap I was feeling about myself.

I know crying for this long is a complete overreaction to no mother's day card so I'm now worried I'm starting to have PND again. I just want to talk to someone - normally it would be DP but now I feel he doesn't understand how I feel at all.

Might not be able to some onto internet again for a while as just heard DS is awake so have to get up and sort him out.

I'm not sure what advice to give, but didn't want you to feel MN was ignoring you. I think you might have slight PND again, 2 children is very different to 1, my ds was born 2 weeks after dd started playgroup and I was really worried about comping with both. Have you got a surestart centre near you they are really helpful.
Hope you get something sorted.

sounds like the forgetting mothers' day was the straw that broke the camels back and has really brought to the fore the depression and sadness you are feeling. you need to talk to your DH and explain how you feel and think about going to your Gp and /or HV to talk about how you feel

FWIW, i think coping with a new born and toddler is excruciatingly difficult and tiring

you could also see about contacting homestart for some help and your locl sure start centre will have lists of play sessions and activities for you to go to, to give you a bit of routine and purpose

you are not a crap mother, you are a tired , possibly depressed and feeling unappreciated mother

Poor you. I think that you do need to find someone to talk to as you sound so very sad and very tired too. Having more than one child to look after is damn hard work.

Men are a bit shit generally. Well mine is anyway. I have to force the whole Mother's Day issue or nothing would ever happen. I insist that they make me breakfast in bed as it is a do-able task. Just tea and toast, which the dc usually stuff in their mouths before I get any. I have given up on dh remembering cards etc. He certainly wouldn't remember or do anything if I didn't orchestrate it. He didn't forget because he thinks you are a crap mother, he is just not a woman and doesn't think things like that are important.

Hope you feel better soon.

I can completelyt sympathise with how you are feeling. The first 3 or 4 months with 2 children was very hard for me too. Mine had the same age gap too.
I didnt/dont have PND but can well imagine feeling as bad as you do about your DH ignoring mothers day like that, so please try not to stress too much about whether you have PND right now. Sort this out first and then keep an eye on it after that just in case.
If it was me, the only thing that would really help would be talking with DH about it. Tell him again how hard it is at the moment and how you were so looking forward to a little bit of acknowledgement to emphasise what a good job you are doing. Sounds like he knows he has been a bit thoughtless and would like to make it up to you.
Try and get out of the house today and force yourself to get fresh air and be cheerful with the children. Talk to DH tonight and try to think of something that might turn this around so you can all start again?
Perhaps plan a day next weekend and call it a 'family day' and ask your DH to plan a nice day out for you all, then the other day in the weekend you go out for a bit on your own and let him take both children to the park on his own so you get a bit of me time too!
I hope you feel better soon. I really do understand totally how you feel and your reaction is quite normal I think for someone with a tiny baby who is sleep deprived - whether they have PND or not!

oh, you poor love.

did he not bother with mothers day, or did he genuinely forget?

you sound very unhappy, and it is bloody hard work looking after 2 small children...

have you had your 6 week check? how about going to take your baby to get weighed at baby clinic and mention how you'te feeling top your health visitor....or if you feel able, make an appt with your gp.

please don't struggle on....there is help if you need it. i stupidly struggled for two years with awful pnd, and it literally nearly killed me.

tell your dp how you feel....see if you can move on and arrange a special day for you all next weekend.

have a hug too. ((((())))) x

lol. x posted with edward bear!

He knew it was mother's day - just didn't think it was important. I got more upset when a couple of friends texted to say happy mother's day and said they bet I'd been spoilt rotten, and I had to admit I had nothing. Made me just feel worthless, as though DP never even thinks about me.

I think you're right though - men are often just thoughtless and he didn't realise how much I was looking forward to some kind of recognition that I was doing an ok job.

I normally take the DCs to a playgroup at the sure start centre on mondays - there are HVs there to weigh babies, etc. But I'm worried if I start to talk about how I'm feeling I'd just burst into tears again and its in a big room full of other mums and children. I need to somehow summon up some energy to get out though, I know I'll feel worse if I stay in all day.

I kind of wish DP would make the first move to sort things out but I know he won't. I've just been downstairs and he is making it quite clear how tired he is after sleeping on the sofa and doing the night feeds.

Heres what I think....

ready??

You have the baby blues your dh was very insensitive.

you are a fab mother,do u know why i can say that without having met you? because you think you arent - if you really werent then you wouldnt care.

2 babies are bloody hard work - it does get easier I promise.

Jobs for today
---

1/fone G.p

2/wear a nice top and put some lip gloss on

3/ cook what you fancy for tea

4/treat yourself (depending on funds)to a new top/flowers/book or mag.

Try and meet up with some mums with children of similar ages it can be a great support and you can cry and laugh together.

Mothers day is just a day- the love you and your children share all year is better than any flowers xx

Is your DH still downstairs?
Nows your chance to chat about it and clear the air so you arent thinking it over all day.
Maybe go and say something like 'Thanks for doing the night feeds last night. I know its tiring, I feel like I havent had a decent sleep in a year usually doing it every night! I know yesterday was a wash out and I'm trying to not get too upset over it, but maybe we can start from scratch and do something nice next weekend instead? Perhaps you could have a think and sort something out?'
and then leave it to him! Hopefully you'll get a lovely day still, even if it is a week later than the official day. x

Do they have side rooms at the playgroup? Still go but steel yourself up to say to a HV - is there someone quiet we can have a chat please?
and then you can cry, say whatever you need to say and not worry about everyone else seeing. I'm sure they are used to it, so please dont worry. You will most likely feel better by just saying something and knowing someone knows and is there to talk to again if you start feeling you may have PND x

I well remember the early days with a toddler and new born. I kept a diary and that helped me to vent the crap. At around nine months I realised that it was getting much better.
I did have an older DD and she and my dp did remember things like birthdays and mother's day.
I really feel for you and second the advice to ask for a private chat with the HV this morning.

Thanks everyone - reading your posts had started me crying again, everyone is so nice!!

Only just got back on the computer as I managed to drag myself and the DCs to the play centre. I wasn't going to mention anything to the health visitor but she asked if I'd had a nice mother's day and it was all I could do to not cry so then asked her if I could speak to someone at home this week. She was really nice and said she'd arrange for someone to come and see me.

Have spoken to DP to try to sort things out. He's offered to take a couple of days off work over the next couple of weeks so I can have a couple of afternoons to myself. I still can't help being cross at him though, especially as he now thinks he is absolved of all responsibility for not thinking it was important to do anything for mother's day - now he thinks its me overreacting because I have PND.

Bought myself some lovely tulips on the way home which cheered me up and amusingly DS asked if they were for daddy to give to me to make me feel better. Toddlers are more perceptive than you realise!

Hope you are feeling a bit better.
Try and make sure that when HV visits you, you can tell her a little bit about how you are feeling. It is so easy to say you are fine.
Take care of yourself.