When I was pregnant with my first I experienced severe psychological trauma. I knew my feelings towards my unborn baby were not normal, but when I tried explaining it to other mums, their reactions were severe enough to shame me into silence. And so, in the privacy of my home, I punched walls, screamed abuse at dh, screamed abuse at the unborn baby, scratched myself and pummelled my thighs until they were black and blue. It was as if I had undergone a personality change.
It was not always like that, most of the time I worked on auto-pilot. I was able to go on walks with dh and do normal things, but once a month when my period would have been, I would go mental. I shut myself off from my friends and in the end I became convinced that they were all talking about me, that strangers in the street were looking at me, that people knew what was going on in my mind and where judging me.
At around 8 months pregnant I flipped. dh was out and I remember seeing shadows in the house, I thought I saw faces at the back door, I thought demons were trying to get into the house. I opened a bottle of wine and tried necking it to drown out the things I was seeing and hearing, but it didn't. I then became convinced that my baby was causing it all, that it was in fact a demon and I had to get rid of it. I was sorting through the knives, trying to find the sharpest one when a moment of clarity hit me. I picked up the phoned and called NHS Direct, I think it was because their number was stickered onto the phone. I remember telling the person on the other end all about my hayfever and how I couldn't take anything for it - but the wise man that he was, he knew something was seriously wrong and he sent an ambulance for me.
I was psychologically assessed at the hospital and they were very concerned at what I was saying about the baby. I feared I would hurt it. Social Services did get involved, much to dh's disgust. I told them I wanted the baby adopted and I think they would have agreed, if dh had not been so adament that it was not me talking, that the person sat there saying these things was not his wife.
I saw a CPN almost every day, I was closely monitored up until the birth. After the birth I was put on a Progesterone treatment. I don't know if it worked or if I'd had been ok anyway, but after the birth it was as if a cloud lifted off me. I couldn't believe that I actually had a baby, I was in no way prepared for it! Of course I experienced all the fears new mums have, but there was no questioning my love for this little thing. The CPN, midwife and GP all communicated with Social Services and they decided that no intervention was needed.
I went on to have a second baby and this time I was prepared. I suffered depression again but I had a mental health team behind me and managed without a major incident (well, almost).
Pre-natal depression is being spoken about much widely now. They will monitor you during the pregnancy but they certainly won't take your baby from you! You're being open and honest about your feelings which is a good sign. It's those mums who hide their feelings that are the worrying ones.
Best of luck!