Post Natal Depression - is there light at the end of the tunnel??

[newmummyofsienna]

I have been suffering with PND since the day my daughter was born. I keep thinking I am getting better, but six months on i'm still having BAD days, maybe I have been naive in thinking I would be better within a couple of weeks but I am so desperate to get back to being me.
Can anyone give me some insight of their own personal experiences of PND, and maybe some reassurance that there is a way out of this? Its just that everyone I meet seems to be coping remarkably well with motherhood and are so happy. I feel like the odd one out and feel really guilty towards my daughter and husband that I am so depressed. I never expected to feel like this, it has all been such a huge shock.

Bumping for you

Have you been diagnosed by the doctor, and are you on any treatment?

yes, I've been there, so have many others here. to a point it's a bit of an individual thing but there are lots of common factors to it.
Please get your HV or GP to get you some help ASAP - have you got anything already?

Yes I was diagnosed by my doctor when my daughter was 6 weeks old, I am on medication and about to start therapy which I'm quite nervous about. Do you have any experience of therapy for depression? Just wondering what it might entail and if it is worth it?

Hi, please don't feel guilty; it's not your fault, or anyone's fault actually. I am sorry that you are feeling so bad, but we quite often do feel bad for what feels like a long time. I had PND for a year, and I know exactly what you mean about wanting to be "me". Also about being the odd one out. I would go to clinic in an anti-depressant haze and resent all the happy, smiling Mums - why wasn't that me - I really resented not being like everyone else. But it isn't everyone - 10% of Mums suffer PND. Therefore, 1 in 10 of all Mums you see out there has it, or has had it.
You will come out the other side, sooner, rather than later. You will get "me" back again, without doubt.
Keep going.

I had PND after my DD1 was born. I felt so empty and alone and I found my coping strategy was to see people as little as possible and go out as little as possible. It was probably against all the best advice but its what worked for me. I used the mornings to do all the jobs and then the afternoons, to fall apart which I did without DD1 knowing. As she got older I just played with her and let her be my guiding light. I would take photos of her discovering something new and it would make me feel good. Inside I felt like death and it was love/hate. Loved her, hated my life. I'm glad I took all the photos and film because I can now look at it and see that that I was ok. She was ok. And no matter how bad I felt at the time, I survived and I didn't bring her up in doom and gloom which was part of what worried me.

I bought books online to help me understand what was going on but i didn't discuss it with anyone. I couldn't even admit it to myself. It lifted slowly sometime around the time my DD1 was 18months.

I became pregnant again when DD1 was 2 and I had DTs when she was 3. I clicked onto autopilot. I was so busy all the time I hardly slept a wink and I was high all the time. Looking back.....I was ill. I fell flat when the DTs were 6months.

I pushed and pushed myself and finally got counselling privately. It was rubbish. I hid again. Eventually, I sought out counselling again and this time I clicked with a marvellous counsellor. She got to the bottom of my upset.

Sadly, she had to move on just before we finished up and I still feel a little robbed of a last 3/4/5 meetings. Anyway, what I want to say is fight. Don't settle and let years go by. I wish I had been honest with myself much, much earlier.

If money isn't a worry then I recommend seeing a counselling psychologist, they have amazing insight and can really fix things. Otherwise, get to the doctor and get on a waiting list for counselling. This may be a 'chatty' counsellor who may only offer a listening ear and advice but sometimes that is enough.

Empower yourself through books, learn up on depression. I can always recommend books I liked.

Find a survival method. It will get you through the day. It can be anything.

I began to realise when I was in a downtime (before that I couldn't see the difference) and knowing that was helpful. I could change my day and say "no, I'm cancelling everything, I need to stay at home and sit tight". Your survival might be being out. It might be sharing.

You can get through. You can feel good again. You will because you want to. I'm going to link something I kept on my favourites because it is lovely to read......

thanks to VVV

I was offered therapy, but with a rider - I had to go alone - absolutely no children. As I had a DS6months (B/F every 2 hours), husband at work 50 miles away and no family within 60 miles, I had to decline. I was assured it was worth it, but I just couldn't make it happen. I would have liked to give it a go.If it is doable for you, give it a try - if you hate it, just ditch it.

I'm sure the existence of a section on "Mental Health" reflects that many other users of this site have struggled with PND, among other mental health issues.

After the birth of my first baby he lost too much weight and was jaundiced, and was taken back into hospital for 8 days. I felt terribly guilty at what had happened, and that I had failed to breastfeed him. As well as the feeding, I'd been made to feel totally hopeless as a mum. My way through was to find a way to get out of the house every day and I did feel better.

I also had problems establishing bf this time, 2nd time round, but have had much more help and am still mostly breastfeeding with some top ups on the hospital's insistence at 4 weeks. But I had a lot more help and the staff didn't generally make me feel stupid and hopeless this time, I think I've more idea how to take care of my baby this time round. The plans for us include some attempts to make sure I don't spiral into PND, though I wish they'd emphasise support in the community, eg home visits or local appointments rather than hospital visits.

Several of the mums on my first MN antenatal thread were affected in some way by PND, some took anti-depressants. It happens to an awful lot of women, and I would agree with those who say seek some help, preferably from a health professional who you have some trust in (I have a good GP and HV).

Good luck, and do come back and let us know how you're doing.

ShyTalk, that's not much use for women with PND, therapy only with no children. I can see that it might be helpful to go alone if possible but it seems wrong that it prevented you getting help!

I saw my counsellor once every few weeks, without children. It was essential that I didn't have them with me. Essential. I couldn't have worked through half of what we did with any child there. Its important to share this with someone who is sensitive who can also babysit for you so you can invest this time in yourself.

sorry, that sounds bossy! I mean IMHO and I mean

Thank you all for your posts, I am sitting here with tears streaming, tears of relief i think to hear some of your stories, Shytalk I can totally relate to going to clinic and feeling resentful towards happy mums. i desperately want to be happy again, my daughter deserves it and it would break my heart if my depression ends up affecting her.
Frumpygrumpy thanks for your comments, it has inspired me to keep going and will definitely attend my first counselling session tmrw, was going to cancel! My therapy is the same as with Shytalk, absolutely no children can attend, so my hubby has to take time off work...

So glad x. Keep fighting. You are in there. Good luck tomorrow. Let us know how you find it......

frumpygrumpy - no it doesn't sound bossy - I knew why it would have to be just me - it just couldn't work for me, at that time. Hope it can work for OP - she sounded quite alarmed at the therapy thing. I would have gone there if I could.

shy, what stage are you at now?

Hi I just wanted to say hi. I know how you feel. PND is so awful because it robs you of the most precious time in your child's life but and it is a big but it does get better and without any seeming adverse reaction from dd.

I only truly felt 100% after a year but it was a gradual process so I was slowly getting better during that year. It is awful when you compare yourself to others and after dd1 when everything went so well and was such a different experience you are always aware that it isn't the rosy picture you dreamt about.

The thing that really helped me was to talk to my dh when I felt like that and he would always reassure me that no matter how awful I was feeling I was still being a brilliant mum and if you can be a brilliant mum when you feel so shit is a pretty telling thing. The fact you are so worried about how it's affecting your daughter shows how much you care. Now 3 years on my dd is quite a sensitive child to others feelings but otherwise there really haven't been any long lasting consequences and she may well have been quite sensitive anyway.

I hope you start to feel a bit better soon. x

Hi keevamum, I am glad to hear you are now better, it gives me hope to hear of others recovering from this awful illness. I definitely feel robbed of this special time, i just feel so guilty all of the time and it is emotionally crippling and exhausting. Sometimes I am too tired to give my daughter the attention she deserves but I have to face the fact I am ill and that she is doing really well and is actually a content and happy baby, I have to keep telling myself this. My husband says the same, he says I am a great mum and that even though I am ill, my daughter still gets all the love and care she needs.
Thank you for your post, I am really grateful and am so glad I joined this site! I have just said to my husband, There are some really nice people out there.

As I said, I took loads and loads of photos of my DD1 when she was little. Also lots of camcorder film. Now she is 8 and we have just started to watch it back. Its amazing, I beat myself up so much (at the time) about what an awful mum I was. Watching the film has made me realise that I did ok. She was loved so much and my life looks ok on film. I guess we do only film the good bits but these are the important bits. Get as much as you can on film. It will help later when you need to remind yourself that you are doing ok.

I started feeling like being a bit me again only a year and a week or so after my DD was born.
Being me in my case means being able to enjoy something and to look forward to something and being able to feel some positive emotions. Before that, especially in the first 7-8 months I was feeling void, without any emotions at all (well, plenty of negative ones for sure), more like a robot or an actor who knows what kind of reaction people expect and acts accordingly without really feeling anything. I struggled to feel anything positive towards my DH or DD. Rationally I knew that I love them but I couldn't feel it.

I'm still not brave enough to view all the videos we made in her early months. I'm afraid to see that she's not happy there or that i'm inadequate in any way.

The biggest thing I regret is not getting help earlier.
But you've already reached out for help, so now it's just a matter of time. And it does get better! It also gets better even without any councelling or medication (of course if the case is not severe enough to prevent you from living your day-to-day live) but it happpens so slowly! And not because you really get better with time, but because the things triggering your depression and anxiety arise less often.

I would say 'don't feel guilty' as the guilt is only fueling and prolonging the whole thing, but I know that it's so difficult not to feel guilty when you do! I feel much better when there are no reasons to feel guilty (that is, when everything goes right), but as soon as there are any problems that make me feel guilty, it all sinks again.

I'm still on the waiting list for councelling, and it's going to be the one where they only teach you how to manage the manifestations of the problem rather than dig out the reasons of the problem and help you resolve them. So, by all means, try the councelling you are offered now, but if that is not improving situation much, seek other help (a counselling psychologist as mentioned by frumpygrumpy)

And try not to isolate yourself. Again, it can be difficult to go out when all you want is to hide inside, but staying in doesn't make things any better. And try enjoying something. I'm sure there are things you enjoy doing with your baby! And whenever your baby is happy you'll feel better too, so try doing things you both enjoy more often.

Glad it was helpful to you newmummy. It really does get better in time. To echo some other posts really try to lose the guilt, it definitely prolongs the awful feelings of PND, achieves nothing and just remember that these feelings will pass one day. Keep asking for reassurance and try to take it on board when you're having an awful day. Your baby is the best judge if she's happy, you're doing fine.

NicknameAlreadyTaken, you said it all. I didn't have any counselling at all after my DD1 was born and you are right, I started to feel better when she was around 17/18monts, maybe a bit before.....

The film will still be there for a long time so just you watch when you are ready. As I said, I have only just looked at ours (8 years on). I found it wonderful. It made me see that it truly wasn't as bad as I thought it was and it didn't bring back any sour memories for me at all. I do remember how I felt at the time but I find its been easier to understand myself and be kind to myself looking back at me. And I see that in spite of all those feelings, my DD1 was completely oblivious and thriving. You could take even a tiny peek of some film when she is, say, 3-6 months and you might find its ok to look at.

You might even find it helps how you look at yourself now.

My counselling psychologist was not cheap but we did get right down to where the route of my problem lay. I wouldn't say I am through this altogether, in fact, I think I am someone who is living with depression. Now that I have learned so much about it and about myself.......I am not frightened to admit that anymore.

It adds an angle to me. I used to see it as a huge negative. Now I can see that its part of me and that in spite of it, I can be gorgeous and funny and a very good mother. I never used to be able to say any of that about myself.

Keep fighting girls. You are in there.

I had postnatal depression 6 months after my second child. Looking back I lost myself for about 18 months but talking to G.P and starting sertraline medication helped even out my anxiety. Looking back I should have got out more and gave myself less of a hard time.Understanding 'good enough' parenting rather than my own unreachable standards helped!. Good luck and keep muddling through,it will get better.