Help with dealing with adoption and birthdays

[MissisBoot]

Not sure if this should be in AIBU, relationships or this topic...

But - its my birthday and I hate celebrating it.

I'm adopted just really don't like celebrating my birthday - it just makes me too sad thinking that my mother didn't want me.

Since I had my dd I've found it even harder to gather any enthusiasm for being born. On a day to day basis I'm fine and just bury it.

Had my mum (not birth mother) on the phone - sshe wants to come over tomorrow - I just wish people would respect my wishes and just not do anything for it.

DH doesn't really understand.

I've already burst into floods of tears this morning and have had to go out for a run to stop me losing my temper with dh.

I really hope this isn't a meaningless platitude and you won't be offended by what I say...

I totally understand why you feel that your mother didn't want you, but I considered having ds1 adopted as I was in a shitty position to raise a child. In the end, I kept him, but sometimes I feel I made the selfish choice and his life would have been richer with a 'proper' family, with a nice house, a garden, swimming lessons and a dog.

Maybe (and I am well aware that I'm not there, I'm not you and can't possibly know the whole situation) your biological mother felt she was doing the best thing she could do for you, and actually managed to do it instead of selfishly deciding it would be easier to keep you and not suffer the heartbreak (as I did)?

I don't know. I'm very sorry you hate your birthday though. Perhaps talk to your BM (if you can talk to her about such things) and ask her to come another day instead. Perhaps, if it's easier, tell her you have plans, you don't have to tell her the plans are a 36 pack of Ferrero Roche, a bottle of Sauvignon and Mad Max 1 - 3!

It sounds as though you need to make a definite plan and be very firm about it with those who love you.

Eg - decide that your birthday is not a day to celebrate, but instead you will celebrate your half birthday, or your adoption date and make them stick to it.

Or start a new tradition that you do every birthday, and make the day about that, not about your birth.

Thanks guys.

Not offended at all by your post Coldtits.

I know that rationally its not as straight cut as not wanting me - and I know that my birth mother did the best she could given the circumstances, and I wouldn't change my adopted family for the world as they're the ones who have made me into the person I am today, cared for me, loved me and helped me grow - BUT, and this is a big BUT - there is something like a sense of rejection that hits me so strongly in my heart.

Lawk - when I was a late teen I used to celebrate my adoption date as a birthday - but somehow its slipped back to to being my actual birthday - I'll have a think about it.

What I really want to do is not have ever have a celebration as its just too painful

MissisBoot, you are not alone, I was adopted and I feel the same - pangs of hurt on my birthday. No amount of logic about why BM did it seems to make me feel better, and I have met my BM and BF and talked to them about what happened. Have you met yours?

This is going to sound crazy but I feel like the pain is partly a pain of remembering the loss of my mother as a baby. I know logically you can't remember how you felt when you were newborn but this is how I feel!

On my birthdays I try to put it out of my mind and see it as a day when my DH and DCs and close friends do nice things and make me feel I am special to them and that they are glad I exist. I can't face thinking about my BM on those days. I do often find that a few days later I am depressed for no good reason or drinking far too much! (I think this comes from repressing the negative feelings on the day). This is the way I deal with birthdays though and I don't know a better way for me to do it. I've kind of accepted that sometimes I will feel the sadness, feeling of an empty gap in me, loss and sometimes bitterness, but most of the time I feel ok and I am focussed on the people I have got now. I feel my feelings on it are 'manageable'.

ActingNormal - thank you for your post - its good to know that I'm not alone in feeling like this. It just feels so irrational when you're feeling the emotions at the time.

I've never met my BM and am not sure BF is aware of my existance. I did look into finding her but no records exist of her in this country since the early 1990's so it seems as if she must have emigrated.

I think I'm a step behind you - I haven't yet accepted that I will feel sad, empty etc and when I do get these feelings they just knock me over.

I now also feel really guilty as dh has tried really hard to make it a nice day and I'm just not up to celebrating.

Right - off to pull myself together and try and enjoy the rest of the day as he's popped out to get some wine to go with the dinner he's cooking me. I really don't deserve him.