Feeling very low and anxious, DP doesn't understand, I feel like I need ADs but worried about taking them

[sweetkitty]

Was going to name change but what the hell. I have a history of depression and anxiety, stopped taking ADs when I was pregnant with DD1 so 5 years ago now.

These past few months (more than I can remember) I don't want to get out of bed, everything just gets to me and I feel like I cannot cope. DD3 was born 7 months ago and having 3 under 5 was always going to be hard, I don't know if it's PND, SAD or just plain old depression.

A lot of the time I feel like my stomach is in knots and my heart is racing. I feel sick to the pit of my stomach. I hate going out, I am scared of driving and just do it when absolutely necessary, when I am driving I am always imagining hitting other cars or them hitting me.

I tried to talk to DP about it last night but he just doesn't get it, he says I need to go out more, get a hobby or something as all I do is look after the DC and MN. TBH apart from the driving thing, the lack of money, not really having many friends, I am constantly shattered, by the time the DC go to bed it's usually 8.30pm before I sit down and by then I am shattered, watching a bit of TV or MNing is about all I can manage. DD3 has never slept through the night and I am still BFing her too. DP says I am troubled and that I should be happy with what I have.

We don't have any family help so noone to take the DC to give me a break. I feel some days all I do is shout at the DDs and do housework, I clean up they mess up. I try to get out every day even if it's just to the park or the supermarket but it's hard with the 3 of them and 1 of me, we get ready go out they start misbehaving and we all have to come back.

I keep thinking if I went to the doctors and got ADs and they helped even a little bit it would help the DDs as if I was feeling better I would treat them better. DP made me feel like crap last night as he said it was very worrying if I felt I had to see a doctor.

oh sweetkitty i'm so sorry you are feeling this way. you are definitely not alone it this! what you are feeling is so familiar to me. I ended up on ADs and it really did make a difference.
sadly your DH just doesn't get it. but there is no shame in going to see the doctor or going on ADs.

my advice would be to go. do it. and keep posting. that helps too

I had PND after having my 2nd child. It reached it's worst point when he was about 8 months and I had a breakdown. Mostly due to lack of support from DH. For some reason the blokes find it hard to understand and support us just when we need it most. I would advise you to call your Health Visitor. Get her round for a cuppa and a chat. They do help. I ended up going back to work. To be honest, I wouldn't really advise that. It's a nice escape for a while - but just exchanges one set of problems for another. Call your heath visitor in the morning - she'll help you. You need support from someone!
Def keep posting. You will feel better just talking about how you're feeling and knowing other's have been there - down to the lowest point possible. There is life after PND - you just need to get the support you need.

ADs will even you out and make you more able to cope. Been there, done that. DH didn't understand at all (especially that he was most of the cause!!), so doubt whether he really knows I take ADs. He sees me take them each night, and has only once asked what they are, so I said (truthfully) that they even out hormonal problems. Men often don't get it. Do what you need to do for you.

Had an awful day today, to cap it all off DP comes in from work late (just at DC bedtime) and has a drink. He knows I will be furious and then starts saying it was because of what I told him about being unhappy and sad last night. Pathetic man so now I am not speaking to him.

Took it out on the DDs tonight, feel so sad, but shouted loads, things that I would normally be calm about. This is hurting them.

I think DP thinks I am unhappy with my life and sees it as a personal attack, he cannot get his head around the chemical imbalance and the sheer tiredness of DC, I had a hard pregnancy because of SPD, birth was fine, then had really low iron levels afterwards that wiped me out, that and having 3 under 5 has really taken it's toll.

HV next to useless complete no go, will go see GP if I can get some time with just DD3 as I don't want the other 2 with me.

minxthemanx - I think you are spot on when you say do waht you need to do for you

sweetkitty - i'm sorry you have a bad night. men can be so self centred!
he needs to realize that this isn't about HIM. it's a chemical imbalance. if you had a cold you'd take medication to make you feel better, right? so why shouldn't you do for this?
You deserve to feel better.
xx

Just to let you know I went to the GP this morning (that was a hassle in iteself) anyway he has given me 10mg Citalopram which I think is the lowest dose there is so not expecting much, he is also going to ask the HV to come and visit me (again a bit ).

I actually had to tell him which AD is seen as safe whilst BFing.

I think DP is trying to be a bit more understanding he keeps saying it is sad I feel I have to take ADs.

Today has just been horrific, DD1 and 2 have fought all day and I took them to toddlers this afternoon which I feel is a waste of time, DD1 went to the toilet 5 times whilst there, DD2 moaned and DD3 was too tired she wanted carried the entire time or she screamed. Don't know why I bothered really.

Just to let you know kitty that 10mg of citalopram COULD make a difference - it gave me my life back. I hope you start to feel better soon. I remember those dark years all too clearly.

I'm on a low dose of citalopram and it worked miracles. Really.

Good luck.

BTW your DH is being very unfair. Unless you've been there you can't understand.

Well maybe a low dose will work. Positive stories are great

When did you start to feel better?

For me it was literally within a week. But it's not supposed to be so quick so I wonder if there some placebo effect too.