worried about my relationship after my baby is born

[electricpump]

hello
regular name changer as I dont want to risk DH (who may know my other name) working out its me...

Think I probably need to just get this off my chest - as I dont think there is a real solution.

Im due to give birth to baby number 1 in a couple of weeks and Im really worried about my state of mind and its its effects on my marriage now and after the baby comes.

DH will be a fantastic dad- no doubt about that- he is generally a very thoughtful kind and helpful husband but he can be short tempered, impatient, easily frustrated and sometimes quite scary when he is cross. He can be quite controlling and likes to think he knows best on things where he is just caring but it comes out wrong. Like just now told me to sit on sofa as SPD is visibly bad, but is being so military about it- not kind and loving...

As Im getting closer to giving birth he seems to be getting so frustrated and annoyed with me for everything. It seems that without knowing it im being moody and rude to him. Clearly all the hormones are catching up with . I probably am being short with him but really not consciously. Im not sleeping at all well and getting over tired and sore so probably not fantastic company. But im delibrately not mentioning/ complaining about the symptoms im having (heartburn -which really is like torture at times and how sore the SPD) is as there is nothing that can be done at this stage yet everything I do is wrong it seems. He doesnt seem to get that this is shortlived, unintentional and I just need kind words, odd cuddle etc and it will be better soon! He just gets angry and walks off and its really upsetting me. Seems if I dont agree immediately on something (like decision about nursery paint colour) he gets annoyed and says we will never choose- claiming Im indecisive.. He wants things just "done" and I'd like to spend time choosing stuff together etc - make it a pleasure etc.

Lots of things like this make it feel like we are constantly conflicting which is horrid. Maybe I should give in and let him decide everything for easy life.

I am so worried that after the baby comes and we are struggling with lack of sleep we will have conflicting views on how to do stuff and if find it hard I think he just wont tolerate it and be angry, making it worse.

Im probably just sitting about thinking too much - but I feel sad and worried for the future. Im so excited about the baby but would almost rather do it alone to avoid the conflict... We should be happily getting excited but it doesnt feel that way.

Sorry this is an essay.....

Hi - didn't want your post to go unanswered.

Sounds like the end of pregnancy blues - for both of you - you're both tired, stressed, fed up etc. Not a fun time at all.

And yes, it'll be the same/worse when the baby arrives 'cos you'll both be completely knackered.

But at least you're recognising it, and I think it's the old thing about talking things through - telling each other you're aware you're both tired, fed up etc.

Also, planning as much help as possible from as many people as possible once the baby's here. Any time you can get on your own/as a couple will be invaluable.

Try not to worry - it's an incredibly stressful time for both of you. Just keep trying to talk to him and can you plan a meal out over the next couple of weeks, or another treat you'll both like - cinema, etc?

Sorry, me again. also, if you can bear it, maybe it might be good to let him choose stuff - you're carrying the baby and it might be he's feeling a bit frustrated/left out that he's not really got a role (yet!).

It's tricky...

Thanks DottyDot.
Maybe I will just let him get on with stuff/ take his advice about taking it easy etc for a bit and see what happens...

He just doesnt want to talk about it and that makes me sad too!

ho hum... least baby coming will force change even if its still hard it will be different....

thank you

Has he got any male friends who have babies? Maybe you could pack him off to the pub with them to talk about being a new Dad/Dad to be?

As someone with a female partner, I found it much harder to be the partner of someone who was pregnant than when i was pregnant myself! Probably why I'm being a bit soft on him - but I remember feeling frustrated and fed up 'cos I couldn't really do anything and wanted to be part of it.

These days I of course I jump for joy the minute I'm not part of things - dp took our ds's to the cinema today and I thoroughly enjoyed 2 hours peace and quiet!!

But first babies are sooooo stressful just try and ride it out and keep talking - even if it's just you that's doing the talking.

And good luck!

Hello
He doesnt have proper friends that have babies, other than the new NCT people and those friendships are still a bit new for that.

I do empathsise that he is sitting on the side lines and I've tried to make space for this but if I say, in a nice tone "it will be soon your turn to look after the baby" he takes that as me having a go at him for not being able to be pregnant. His unpleasantness/ cross ness for no reason isnt fun.

Only after I wrote my last reply he was overly cross with me for something ridiculously minor that wasnt an issue. He makes me feel like an annoying child getitng under his feet. If I go to hug him he halfheartedly holds me then tells me he has to "get on" with what he is doing. Whatever I do is wrong. I am now so upset that whatever he says is upsetting me.

In fact- the most loving cuddle we've had for weeks was at the NCT class when we were practicing labour positions and he was supporting me, letting me drapse around his shoulders. - seems very sad.

Right now, he is clearing up and re-doing all the tidying I've been doing for the past 2 wks since being on materntiy leave (male nesting?) When I say Im planning to do stuff tomorrow or this week its not enough- he HAS to do it now. Seems I cant win, if I walk about doing stuff I get "told off" for not resting but he is exasperated - obviously - by the fact he is re-doing stuff I've done.

If I had somewhere to go, i would go away for a week or so and leave him alone. I would go now if his car wasnt blocking mine in. Cant face row/ discussion of asking him to move it.

Sorry- verbal emotional torrent.