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Struggling to deal with history of sexual abuse

10 replies

notsureanymore · 17/02/2009 18:49

I have never plucked up the courage to say too much about the sexual abuse that happened to me as a teenager. I have told members of my family and my DH it happened but not what happened and it is really eating me up inside.
My father left us, he was rubbish anyway but my mother wasn't much better. Her new boyfriend moved in when I was 12. He was a violent pisshead who knocked her around, wrecked our home, killed my kitten and messed around with me. This lasted 18 months during which time the police were called but my mother would never do anything. She said at the time she was too scared, but actually I think she was desperatly in love with him, have found letters to that effect.
Years later, during a spectacular row with my mother over her drinking (she has a problem) I told her what had happened. She said she had suspected but was too frightened to do anything about it.
Now I have a child this comment hurts, I would kill anyone I suspected of touching him.
She and he used to laugh at me in their pissed phases about my changing body, puberty etc. How can a mother do this?
Today, it is all under the carpet, we maintain an on the surface close relationship. She remarried, still drinks too much and god help me if I say anything about that or the past. She will pull a suicide stunt again.
Sorry I know this is long, but I am getting into a real mess over this, I am bi-polar and can feel my mood going down and know what I need to do medically to balance it but at some point I need to sort this in my head. I just cannot say the words outloud because a part of me thinks it is my fault. Perhaps I should have said no more?
Please someone tell me I am not mad and sorry this is so long.

OP posts:
OneLieIn · 17/02/2009 18:51

Hi - you are not mad at all.

Is there anyone in RL you can talk to?

notsureanymore · 17/02/2009 18:53

Only my DH but he doesn't like talking about it. He thinks it is in the past, let it go, it can't hurt anymore. He has a point, but I can't let it out, bloody wish I could!

OP posts:
OneLieIn · 17/02/2009 18:55

What about your Gp or a counsellor??

BTW, I totally understand how old stuff that should be past can eat you up whole.

notsureanymore · 17/02/2009 19:00

Am supposed to be seeing a counseller soon as part of the whole bi-polar mess. Have seen one in the past but found it almost too difficult to do and never enjoyed any benefit, just reliving shedloads of hideous pain.
If someone could just wave a magic wand and make the crap vanish perhaps I could live life properly.
I spent the whole of this morning emotionally hysterical over something work related where I feel incompetant and it always come back to the pile of crap in my head. I just want it gone

OP posts:
OneLieIn · 17/02/2009 19:08

Its really good you are seeing the counsellor and this will help. At least you will have someone to talk to about it and although they won't be able to make it vanish, they will help it be dealt with. All you can hope for is that you can have it dealt with, boxed away and that you can successfully get on with your life today and in the future.

I was going to namechange, but I cannot be arsed. I was sexually abused as a kid, my mother has totally buried her head in the sand about it, still puts the abuser above me - she knows about 1% of what happened. I just get on with the relationship, more out of duty than anything else. I don't love her, she didn't protect me.

You know I always wanted a magic wand too, but I now realise that what I went through makes me a better parent, a stronger person and has shown me that I have an amazing amount of strength to have got through it. You can do this. You can get through this. You cannot let the past eat you up, you have a lovely family, a great DH, life's good (there's just some shit in the past).

Big hugs x

notsureanymore · 17/02/2009 19:19

Thing is, I am so passionate about doing x,y,z for my son and making sure he has a fab life that it is actually causing me problems in other ways.
For instance I am so certain about how I want to bring him up, what his education should be (mine went tits up when my Dad left) now I am self employed and have just lost a major contract due to credit crunch and I feel like a failure.
I need to relax, to be happy, I would like to have more children but am too scared from an emotional and financial position.
I have worked so hard to get to where I am today but its a thin sheet of ice and I feel like it is starting to really crack. I resent my husband as I feel like I need him to do more and I want him to protect us and our life but this is all in my head. DH is a lovely man and DS will be fine I know but I am not fine, i am scared and losing the plot and probably not making any sense at all.

OP posts:
OneLieIn · 17/02/2009 20:27

You sound fine and normal, don't worry. It's a stressful time for you at the mo, just keep your head above water and take each day as it comes.

ActingNormal · 17/02/2009 21:17

I am so sorry this happened to you. I really think it does people no good to try to bury it and ignore it and it will eventually find a way out. You going 'mad' about a work thing that seems on the face of it, not a huge deal, is a symptom of this! (a way for your mind/body to get your feelings out, a trigger). Do you often find yourself 'overreacting' to things or feeling really intense but not being able to find a logical good reason for it? If you do, you are probably being triggered all the time. Something in the present only has to remind your subconscious a tiny bit of what happened in the past for it to be a trigger.

Me and my bro tried to 'bury' things and both suffered depression and anxiety for years and he ended up doing terrible things and is now in prison. So it really worries me when people say they are thinking they should bury/deny/ignore their feelings about things that made them feel intensely bad.

What happened was not your fault in any way at all. You were a child. He was an adult. An adult knows that it is wrong to sexually molest a child. Your mother was horribly in the wrong for putting her feelings above yours and being too feeble to protect her own child and I wouldn't blame you for feeling rage against her and not wanting much to do with her (this is how I feel about mine too).

I've read that it is common for stuff to resurface when you have your own children, and it did for me too, because you KNOW you could NOT stand by and let those things happen to your child. You really feel it more when you have a child and imagine if they were in your place.

I found therapy painful too but once I found a good one, going through the pain has been worth it to get to the stage I'm at now where I have processed what happened a lot more. I think your situation was much worse than mine and it will be really hard for you in therapy at first but I so think it is worth working hard on it with a therapist because it has changed my life when I never thought it would and I want that for other people. It's important to find a good therapist that suits you.

wobbegong · 23/02/2009 19:40

Just wanted to point you to:

National Assocation for People Abused in Childhood

who were very very helpful for a friend of mine who was also sexually abused as a teenager. She really has 'made her peace' and is now getting on with her life, after many years of depression. Good luck.

mankymummy · 23/02/2009 19:46

ok breathe.

is your son safe? yes?

is your son in a position where he will continue to be safe? yes?

can you trust your DS's father/anyone else living with you? yes?

right now the hard bit... whats the worst that can reasonably (and i mean reasonably) happen at the moment ?

whatever it is, have a game plan to sort it out.

i know this is just first aid but its what got me through a really bad time worrying about my DS and how i would cope after growing up in a dysfunctional/alcoholic home.

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