I have never plucked up the courage to say too much about the sexual abuse that happened to me as a teenager. I have told members of my family and my DH it happened but not what happened and it is really eating me up inside.
My father left us, he was rubbish anyway but my mother wasn't much better. Her new boyfriend moved in when I was 12. He was a violent pisshead who knocked her around, wrecked our home, killed my kitten and messed around with me. This lasted 18 months during which time the police were called but my mother would never do anything. She said at the time she was too scared, but actually I think she was desperatly in love with him, have found letters to that effect.
Years later, during a spectacular row with my mother over her drinking (she has a problem) I told her what had happened. She said she had suspected but was too frightened to do anything about it.
Now I have a child this comment hurts, I would kill anyone I suspected of touching him.
She and he used to laugh at me in their pissed phases about my changing body, puberty etc. How can a mother do this?
Today, it is all under the carpet, we maintain an on the surface close relationship. She remarried, still drinks too much and god help me if I say anything about that or the past. She will pull a suicide stunt again.
Sorry I know this is long, but I am getting into a real mess over this, I am bi-polar and can feel my mood going down and know what I need to do medically to balance it but at some point I need to sort this in my head. I just cannot say the words outloud because a part of me thinks it is my fault. Perhaps I should have said no more?
Please someone tell me I am not mad and sorry this is so long.