How do I help a friend suffering from depression and anxiety?

[Sachertorte]

She has been ill for a long time now. She is convinced she is dying from one illness or another, she doesn´t take her drugs regularly though I think she sees a counsellor quite regularly. We haven´t had any conversation about anything other than her "illnesses" for as long as I can remember. I see her regularly though she does not always even speak.

I just don´t know what I can do or even if it helps her to just be in my company. As far as I gather her DH is at his wits end, their dc are in full time child care and don´t seem too badly affected.

If I were your friend, what would you like me to do to help?

are you sure you're not my friend lol, i think you should only reassure her a certain amount or you will be unwittingly feeding her anxietys, maybe try and distract her with a day out or try and change the subject to a lighter one when she starts going on about her health

You sound like a really good friend Sachertorte ...

I suffered from anxiety after dd was born (it was a hormonal thing which manifested itself as a general nervousness/over-anxiety and I fortunately recovered after 6 mths) and I didn't really want to go out or do anything much (although as loopylou6 suggests - distraction might be good - to a lovely calm park or beautiful garden or the seaside etc). It was as much as I could do to get through each day ...

I think you are doing the right thing by just sticking by her and "being there" from time to time.

Unfortunately, as much as we would like to help, in the end - and as hard as it is - recovery has to come from the sufferer themselves ...with the support of professionals where necessary ..

As a friend it's tricky for you to walk the tightrope of avoiding pandering to her anxieties and at the same time remaining sympathetic and supportive ...

.could you perhaps be honest and say that you are concerned about her, that you want to help, but you don't know how ???

Thanks. I don´t feel like a good friend at all and have started to avoid her really. Either she talks about her health or doesn´t speak at all. Grey hairs, I think you´re right, I think I will tell her outright that I don´t know what I can do to help and ask her if there is anything. I´m just afraid friendship is just not sustainable any more but feel terrible about abandoning her. I do introduce her to people and invite her out to group dos etc. And this hardly makes me popular. It´s just a desperate situation.

And to what extent can I ask her directly what the root of the problem is? I´ve never probed at all though she has said that she has significant issues with her parents.

MMmmm... it's terribly difficult ...

especially when you say "she doesn't speak at all" except for talking about her health ...

tbh the fact that she isn't very open about her core problems doesn't sound too good - I only got better when I admitted to certain (carefully chosen) people that I was struggling with anxiety and difficult though this was (pride got in the way and I was horribly, horribly embarrassed!!) it did help in the end ...

I think the counsellor she is seeing would probably be encouraging her to do this ....but of course it depends on what stage of the process she is at ...it sometimes takes people a long time to open up ..and if her medication is for depression it may take a while before she feels confident enough to do so...

I'm no expert but there are two approaches I would suggest

(1).. try and gently broach the subject with her (and as with a child) just follow her lead and take it as far as she seems comfortable ...

(2) bite the bullet and be honest and say "I want to be your friend but your behaviour makes this quite difficult" (or a slightly gentler version of that) and let her know that when she is ready to be a bit more open and have a more reciprocal relationship, you will be there - and/or you will support her while she takes steps to get to that point ...

On balance I think the latter approach might be better because being honest does = genuine concern ...ie you respect her enough not to pussy-foot around her and lie and she may need that gentle 'push', particularly as she doesn't sound terribly sensitive to other people's needs ...

Sadly, depression and anxiety make one terribly selfish and inward-looking ... but you won't be doing her any favours by alterating your 'normal way' of interacting with others when you are with her (if that makes sense)

Good luck!

Thank you grey hairs, you´ve really given me food for thought over the weekend.. I´m pleased you´ve recovered yourself and are in a position to help others.

My pleasure Sacher. Tbh though I was luckier than most because my anxiety was more "medical" than anything else - owing to a wierd hormone imbalance post-birth which gradually righted itself. My dh was also v. supportive.

I hope your friend manages to recover and that your friendship survives. Good luck to you!