Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Flip

Original poster

Why can't i talk about my problems?

17 replies

chuckieegg2008 · 13/02/2009 21:04

Whats wrong with me whenever theres something wrong in my life i choose to ignore the problem and not talk about it like normal people do.
Everything that goes wrong i choose to bottle up and try and forget about it.
I feel now that because ive done this im suffering for it. Heres what my problems are:-

When i was 16 my parents split up, it was a huge shock because i know it sounds horible but it was like my dad had died because one day he was there part of my life and the next he had gone. I couldn't accept he had just walked out of my life, i couldn't face my friends because i couldn't admit telling them the truth and when i started college i told everyone my parents lived together. I've moved away now and noone ever asks me about my dad if they did i just dont know what i would say because i just find it difficult to talk about.

My brother keeps in touch with my dad which makes it hard for me, my brother has a good job and i know my dad is proud of him ive not got such a great job and i know im a disappointment to him.

I've been given a promotion in work and i know i should be proud of myself but instead i feel my past is coming back to haunt me. I keep thinking how can i be good at something when im such a huge disappointment to my dad someone who should be proud of me and be there to support me.

I dont feel im good enough for the promotion i dont feel i can cope with the stress the job brings, i feel i've had too much stress in my life already. I've coped with my mum having cancer when i was 18 and nursing her through that, now looking back i dont know how i coped because now i would be useless if that happened.

I just wish i could talk to someone but i just freeze up.

Why do i feel like this?

OP posts:

bodiddly · 13/02/2009 21:19

I am afraid I dont really have the right experience to answer this properly but I would say that I think you have made a good start by posting on here ... I know it is anonymous but it is a positive thing that you are "talking". Hopefully someone will be along in a minute that can help you a little more!

Original poster

chuckieegg2008 · 13/02/2009 21:53

thanks bodiddly i hope there is someone who has been/ or is in a simuar situation to me because i really want toknow what i should do.

OP posts:

pigletpants · 13/02/2009 22:19

I recommend this for evrything, but I am extremely introverted and hate talking about my feelings. Hypnotherapy worked for me, because I was so relaxed before having to talk.

I would have clammed up with regular counselling.

Also try to get a referral from your GP for Cognitive behavioural therapy. It helps you to understand why you think the way you do and the flaws in your thinking.

Shitemum · 13/02/2009 22:20

What makes you think you are a disappointment to your dad? Have you spoken to him since he left? How old are you now?

morningsun · 13/02/2009 23:07

i think if your happy and have a small problem,its easy to talk about but when its a big,traumatic problem and you're feeling down about it,its not so easy to talk about and we feel ashamed our feelings are too intenseor hopeless that it can't be fixed.
Your dad leaving had a profound effect on you and maybe you experienced grief or depression as part of that.
This can affect your mood,confidence and stress levels.
This needs to come out in the open and be talked about and your feelings acknowledged either with someone close,or a psychologist.
Maybe gradually you will process the hurt and even be able to talk to your dad about it.

Original poster

chuckieegg2008 · 14/02/2009 09:21

Im 24,i dont really have anyone close to me to talk too. Im just starting to worry that feeling like this is affecting my job and if i lose that then i dont know what i will do.

OP posts:

morningsun · 14/02/2009 09:57

maybe you can talk on here and when you have got things clearer you could go to gp to ask advice?
Do you feel really down,like not sleeping,waking up early in the morning,tearful all the time?
Or do you feel worried all the time and want to shut yourself away?
This can be depression and can make it hard to think clearly about problems cos all the problems are in your head together.

Original poster

chuckieegg2008 · 14/02/2009 13:12

ive been waking up early in the morning about 4 and not been able to get back to sleep for the past week.
Im in charge in work for the next 2 weeks because the manager is on holiday and im dont think i can cope with it. Ive been tearful in work this week which just isnt like me, i never take my problems to work and never show people how im feeing.

OP posts:

morningsun · 14/02/2009 22:49

maybe the extra stress is bringing you down can you do anything to make it easier when you're in charge this week?Find out extra info or delegate some tasks?
Waking early could be depression or worry or may be a sign you have too much stress.
Have you lost weight and do you still enjoy your leisure activities etc?
Could you see your gp?

dittany · 14/02/2009 23:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

chuckieegg2008 · 15/02/2009 14:00

No i never had anyone to talk to when my dad left i just bottled everything up, the same with when my mum had cancer i felt i had noone in my life and i felt so alone.

OP posts:

welshmammy2009 · 15/02/2009 19:44

Don't think of yourself as a disappointment hun, thats the worse thing u can think it will make u feel so much worse.

You are not a disappointment

Original poster

chuckieegg2008 · 17/02/2009 19:26

I just wanted to thank everyone for replying to this thread. I still dont feel like my old self but it has helped a bit talking on here. I doubt i will beable to talk to someone about this, i feel my problems are nothing compared to some people.

Anyway im trying my best to be positive in work, hopefully i can keep this up

Thanks everyone

OP posts:

ActingNormal · 17/02/2009 21:36

It sounds like you have the same problem now as you did when your dad left - it was too painful to accept back then so you tried not to talk about it, because talking makes it more real. You sound like you are still in the habit of avoiding talking about your problems because you are frightened that talking about it will make it seem more real and that it will be just too hard to face up to.

Easing into talking about things by talking anonymously on here or writing it and destroying the writing or keeping it somewhere secret might help you? When I had things I felt I just wouldn't be able to force myself to say to my therapist I wrote the worst things on tiny scraps of paper in tiny writing and locked them in a box. I forced myself to read a couple out to the therapist. After saying it once, it became very slightly easier to say it a second time during the next session. Then I wrote a whole document about everything (a letter I actually sent to my family members eventually). At first I locked the letter away. Then I carried it around in my handbag until I got used to doing that, then I read out big chunks of it to my therapist, then I posted it! What I'm saying is, you can talk gradually and it can get easier and easier bit by bit.

Your problems are not nothing if they are having a big effect on you still. I used to feel this way and occassionally still do but I feel more 'deserving' of help than I used to.

The fact that you are still wanting/wishing your dad to show his approval/positive feelings for you makes me think that when he left, you, as a child, felt that he can't have loved you/wanted you/thought you were good enough to stay. This is how children think even though it is not the child's fault at all, it is because of the adult's deficiencies. You probably felt a lot of anxiety as well. It seems like you still think this way because you have not had the chance to get over it because you have not let yourself think about it or talk about it. You still haven't processed your feelings about it. Now the anxiety is coming back to you with thinking 'what if I'm not good enough to do my job?'. You are good enough, they wouldn't have given you the job if you weren't, but the stress of it is triggering the anxiety you felt as a child which was never processed so is still within you waiting to come out.

Original poster

chuckieegg2008 · 18/02/2009 19:31

Thanks for the reply actingnormal most of what you have said describes me.

I understand where your coming from about when a parent leaves a child feels unwanted/unloved and i feel i shouldnt be feeling like that now its been 8 years.

I keep thinking about something my dad said, it wasnt long after he left he use to come visit my brother and myself every other weekend, anyway that wekened my brother was out and my dad said 'oh there wasn't much point in me coming round then' - thanks nice to feel wanted

OP posts:

ActingNormal · 18/02/2009 22:40

how insensitive to say there wasn't much point coming round!

You said you 'shouldn't' be feeling the way you do after 8 years - I don't think that is a long time though! You are still young and your childhood isn't that far behind you really. I've only just felt I'm getting 'sorted' lately and I'm 36!

..and there is no 'shouldn't'. If you feel something you feel it and your feelings should not be denied. If it causes you distress then you deserve support and help for it.

ActingNormal · 18/02/2009 22:45

....when I was 24 I was a f*ing mess! I was still in shock from things and in denial and just not ready to face any of it. I had to learn how to just function as an adult and build a few 'normal'(ish) relationships before I could even begin to make sense of anything. Just getting time and distance away from the bad memories was quite important.

Flip