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Original poster

I know this souds melodramatic but...

24 replies

fuckedup · 09/02/2009 02:04

I actually want to kill myself. I have so many issues with my in-laws and life in general. (Friends tell me I dwell on things too much). I probably do, but I just can't be bothered any more.

It would be calmer if I wasn't here...have name changed...obviously!

OP posts:
jasper · 09/02/2009 02:10

Have you been treated for depression- now or in the past?

Original poster
fuckedup · 09/02/2009 02:12

oh god yes, since I was 20 (I'm 36 now). I just can't be bothered any more...but I'm too chicken, really

OP posts:
jasper · 09/02/2009 02:16

I have been in your position.
I did not get as far as planning my exit but I most certainly wanted to be dead.
I went to a very wise GP about something completely unrelated (numb fingers) and he questioned me and diagnosed depression.He put me on prozac and it saved my life.

The things that were getting me down were still there but I no longer had an inappropriate response (overwhelming sadness and a desire to die).

Please please seek help.

Have you discussed this with anyone in real life?
Do you have a husband or partner?
Are they part of the problem?

jasper · 09/02/2009 02:17

what has changed that means you can not be bothered now?
Are you just ground down?

jasper · 09/02/2009 02:18

too chicken is good

Original poster
fuckedup · 09/02/2009 02:19

They all think I'm overly anxious - which I am! My GP is lovely and has referred me, I'm due to start CBT on Tuesday. I'm stupidlly crying as I type this as I can't even be bothered to explain what I don't understand myslef.

i honestly have just had enough now...

OP posts:
jasper · 09/02/2009 02:25

nothing stupid about crying when you are crushed with sadness.
I promise you I know exactly how you are feeling.
I also promise you that you CAN get well again.

Tuesday is not too far away.
Depression is a deadly disease.
But you can recover from it.

Do you have children?

Original poster
fuckedup · 09/02/2009 02:27

I'm all mouth and no trousers..I don#'t want you to worry...
I'm going to re=evaluate everything tomorrow. I just want to be sure everyone will be ok even if I'm not there...

OP posts:
jasper · 09/02/2009 02:32

too late - I am worried!
NO everyone will not be ok if you are not there.

You don't have to feel this way.It's an illness , and it is a matter of finding the right treatment.
CBT is good for treating depression with an anxiety component.

Are you on meds at the mo?
If so it doesnot sound like they are working

Original poster
fuckedup · 09/02/2009 02:33

am, going to look at everything again tomorrow....
Thank you for chatting with me = believe it or not, I'd rather find a way out of this...and I am going to try...
x

OP posts:
Original poster
fuckedup · 09/02/2009 02:36

Am on 40 mg of fluxetne but I don't think it's working...I heard they had pills tailored for anxiety but I didn't want to ask as it would seem ike I'm ordering from a menu!

OP posts:
jasper · 09/02/2009 02:37

that's better.
There IS a way out.
I will be checking up on you tomorrow!
x

Original poster
fuckedup · 09/02/2009 02:40

Thanks X ! I seriously want to beat tbis but I just feel beaten down. I'm not often on MN any more but I will check in to let you know I'm okay...I'l sort it out...
xx

OP posts:
jasper · 09/02/2009 02:41

How long you been on that drug and dose? if for more than a few weeks they are not having the desired effect if you are wishing you were dead
.
If less give them a bit longer.
You absolutely can effectively order off a menu till you find the drug and dose that is effective.

BBBee · 09/02/2009 02:43

good luck with everything.

i hope you can get some rest.

SuperBunny · 09/02/2009 02:44

Hello, read this and didn't want to not post.

I have also been in your situation. Am not sure I can say anything to make you feel better but the feelings will subside. It's hard to remember that when they are consuming you but, it will pass eventually.

BBBee · 09/02/2009 02:44

are you still up or are you planning on going to bed?

jasper · 09/02/2009 02:47

Chatting to you has reminded me of something I had forgotten.

At my worst used to lie in bed and will my vital organs to shut down so I would die! needless to say my body would not cooperate with this plan.

It is funny looking back but at the time it was just dreadful.

SuperBunny · 09/02/2009 02:51

Does anyone actually know how you feel? I know you said friends think you dwell on things too much but do they know you feel like this?

jasper · 09/02/2009 11:27

fuckedup, are you there?

How are you feeling today?

Original poster
fuckedup · 09/02/2009 13:07

Hi Jaspar, hi all.

I'm so sorry about last night - I just felt so awful.
I feel better today and I wouldn't do anything stupid - I'm sorry if I worried you.

I have my first CBT tomorrow and I will try and explain how bad I am feeling at the moment.

Friends know I suffer with depression, but I don't think they know how bad it gets sometimes.

Thanks for all your kind words . I am going to take steps to get better.

OP posts:
SuperBunny · 09/02/2009 14:31

Good luck fuckedup - I'm glad you are feeling less bad this morning.

BBBee · 09/02/2009 16:48

hi FU

glad to hear you are feeling better. keep checking in or start another thread for support, lots of people have been / are going through similar things.

there is great support on here.

jasper · 09/02/2009 22:13

hey FU so glad you are not in the same dark place today.

No need to aplologise.

hope you can get help.
Good luck with the CBT tomorrow.

I have done CBT. It did help although I was on the road to recovery at that point thanks to medication.

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