How do you cope with that fact that, once you have children, suicide is no longer an option?

[Losingthethreadabit]

A long time ago, I used to think about suicide a lot. I used to plan it, dwell on it, fantasise about it.

Since I never made a serious attempt, I came to the conclusion that for me (not making any judgement about others) it was a safety valve, a piece of escapist thought that helped take the pressure off.

It's a bit like fantasising about winning the lottery -- a one-off solution to all the everyday concerns.

But you can't very effectively fantasise about winning the lottery if you don't buy a ticket. And you can't fantasise about suicide unless you really view it as a possibility. And it isn't a possibility when you think about the children left behind. Not at all. So no fantasy, no hope of getting out.

That is so claustrophobic. Does anyone else feel like this?

I don't feel like that,no but what you describe makes perfect sense to me.
It shows that you are in and have control!
Are you feeling suicidal now?

No but I used to fantasize about running away. I never did clean out my bank account and just run, but I have come close to it in the past few weeks and it's only my children that hold me here really.

I don't feel suicidal, just flat. I think I would be thinking a lot about suicide if not for the children (that's not to say I would actually attempt it) -- and you are right coldtits, it is just like the fantasy of running away, just with more self-hatred thrown in.

The other thing is self-harm, which doesn't seem a possibility with children and DH around, but which used to be a release.

I never considered suicide, but like coldtits the thought of packing up and going is a recurring theme with me, or that if I wasn't here life would be better for my family (but no specific about how I would not be here iyswim). the children stop me from actually going ahead with it though, which is a conundrum as it's my inability to cope well with life in general and the DC in particular that makes me want to run! Taking ADs helps.

Have you spoken to anyone about your feelings losingthethreadabit? There is help out there if you aren't getting any. I can understand how claustrophobic it must be though.

I know how you feel - its a self loathing thing, not a release as you think it might be - its almost a form of self harm in itself. PLEASE go to the doctors, from my experience it sounds like you are suffering from anxiety - they can help, but you have to flag it up. Don't suffer in silence.

Why do you feel like this at this moment in time, has something happened to trigger your feelings?

may i ask what ADs you are taking? I am on citalopram myself (little saviours!) - i ask because citalopram and similar drugs can heighten the occurance of suicidal thoughts - it might be something worth mentioning to your doctor.

Lifes pressures can be a bastard sometimes.

You are brave to say it out loud. I have thought exactly what you and coldtits have said, but have never ever dared say it out loud. Or even think it too loudly since I've had children.

Wow, it's somehow liberating!

(OK, get used to the sensation PC.)

Create a fantasy life that is acceptable. A safe fantasy. So totally unreal that you can pretend. That's what I used to do. And still do, sometimes, when the pressure's too much. I call it my pushchair world - I go there while pushing the buggy. It's a bit like a trance. Of course it only works if I don't have my elder dcs, and if the youngest isn't fussing. I find I sometimes have to quickly sidetrack if the fantasy draws me into, say, an ambulance - that's too real for safety - or if I find myself including a child in it.

But in this fantasy you can be a grumpy/heroic/nasty/wealthy/perfect/slutish as you wish. Whatever gives you ease without guilt. Just steer clear of the guilt-burdened fantasies. Because I need to avoid too much reality, I often start by stepping into a fantasy novel.

I think about suicide most days and it is my children that stop me from doing it so I totally get what you are saying. I feel resentful I can't do it tbh.[ashamed]

it's a sobering option, about the grand scheme of things isn't it.

having been suicidal pre dd, many time, I now understand how other people 'then' called it selfish.
I did not at the time think it was selfish, just an answer to get out.

now i have dd, something in me has kicked in, and i have grown, oh with the help of counselling and tablets too.

ignore last post, i thought LD was OP

yes. dd saved my life probably. more so that i lost my mum at a very young age and wouldn't wish that on her.

I'm sorry you lost your mum, ruddynorah.

There's no question of me actually doing anything. It is just the flatness, the feeling that so much is packed away that there isn't really anything left to get on with stuff.

would you consider talking to your doctor?

I'm on a waiting list LEM for CBT.

I'm sorry, I prob shouldn't have started this thread, but I'm sick of this packed down feeling. It makes me so inert. And I thought that by talking with people who felt similar I might knid of evacuate it a bit. Sometimes I think that group therapy would be useful -- and that MN could help with that. But I guess it would really have to be face-to-face, or at least not an open forum.

There are such black things to say, and I just thought that beginning to say them might cure this fucking inertia.

I hope it is of some comfort to you to know that some (including myslf) find what you describe almost comforting.....yours are probably some of the sanest words posted on here.
I stated that I don't feel like you describe in your op, I must clarify that I have done in the past, very much!!!!!

and by comforting, I don't mean that I enjoy reading that you feel so flat....
Now that would be mad!

Thanks, pellmell. It is quite good to hear you speaking in a positive way of what I describe. (Because suicidal thoughts sre self-esteem lowering, and positive ones counter that.)

But what exactly is it you find comforting -- the idea of suicide as an escapist fantasy, or the thought that concern for the children keeps one in control of what one actually does? If you don't mind me asking.

Sorry, I meant also to say pellmell that I am sorry you have felt so low in the past and I'm glad things are a bit better for you.

I really feel quite sick with these feelings atm.

I will hold your hand if you hold mine.

So sorry, NAB. I logged off right after my last message. I didn't mean to ignore you. [holding hands]

Absolutely.

I could have written this lately word for word.

Just as I know more certainly that I would not live any longer if my daughter was taken from me (in any, whatever, way) I know that I can't leave her too. I think about self harm every day too. I haven't self harmed in 18 months. It doesn't seem to get any easier.

I will hold you hand(s) but I'm afraid I haven't got to any answers yet.

I don't feel that way and I never have (about suicide)

BUT

I applaud you - I really do. On so many threads we hear about all sorts of things that people do without a thought for their children - be it drink too much, selfish behaviour etc. I think parenting is hard BECAUSE it makes you be a better person. That can be so painful.
SO, I applaud you for stepping ever so slightly away from your feelings to see - to empathise with how bad it would be for your kids.

Thanks. I deserve applause because I don't think I would actually try suicide even without children. It's just that with children you can't even give the idea headspace.