Please can someone talk to me

[HandbagCrumb]

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Hi HandbagCrumb, I'm here. How are you?

Hi
Not very well today.
Haven't been good for a few weeks and getting worse.
Have shouted at kids today as i struggled to even get up and they just look bewildered

mine do when I shout at them too

What are they up to now?

Really need to get it together a bit as i have to go to work later,even though i cant bear the thought.

dd1 is on ds lite
dd2 staring at cbeebies and saying mummmy every few mins.

I'm sorry you're not feeling good.
I think a lot of people have shouted, and that's without feeling unwell. Don't beat yourself up.

Handbag, I know it feels awful when you have to get ready and go out. When I have felt like this though, sometimes it did me good to go out, and had it not been that I had to go out I would have stayed indoors and felt worse than ever.

I also swore at themand i tried so hard to control it
dd1 looks at me so sad

I feel in a daze

My job is very mentally tiring and i have to be happy happy all the time.
They dont know i have had depression for years and i dont get sick pay so i cant even call in sick.

Have a look at this.

I've been there too, shouting at the kids for no reason, making them feel like shit and myself in the process. It just takes one little thing and I snap. I tend to go on and on and on at them too. I just don't know when to stop.

Now I find that when I feel my anger rising, I pinch myself on the back of the hand and go into another room. It might take as long as half an hour for me to trust myself again, but if that's how long it takes....

I also sat dd down (she's 8) and explained to her that sometimes mummy feels down and sad for no reason and that sometimes I get angry. I explain I'm more angry at myself for not cheering up and being happy. And when I do get angry, not to feel that she or her brother have caused it, but to understand that I'm feeling sad and to leave me alone for a little while. I explained it like a kettle slowly coming to the boil and then whistling as it boils.

She took it all in and understood perfectly. So now when I get angry she does take herself out of the way and I've learnt how to deal with it better. Try it with yours.

Handbag, just give them a cuddle and tell them you love them, we all say/do things on the spur of the moment that we wish we hadn't, please don't feel bad.
Rhubarb's punching hand thing sounds like a good coping strategy.
It must be so tough having to be happy all the time at work. Mental tiredness is awful.

I dont feel that i can cuddle them tbh,just want to be alone.

I need to have a bath and wash my hair for work but haven't got the energy.

I had a look at list Rhubarb but i cant even tick off number 1.

Handbag, do you have any family or friends locally who could look after DC for a bit?

Could you afford to have one day off sick if you really feel you can't go in?

I will have to go now as DH is shouting at me to get off that bloody computer. He is at home today as can't get to work through snow. I find him very depressing TBH, he just can't cope with DS and everything is a big drama. Sigh.

I do hope you will be OK. Take care, go easy on yourself.

Well tbh if your kids are off school then I suggest going into work.

Sometimes if we stay at home we just brood and sink deeper into despair. We retreat into self-pity. Work provides a distraction, you are forced to act and behave normally and after a while of acting it, you do start to feel better.

Ok, so your day might still be shit, but you'll have gotten out of the house and won't feel lousy because you've spent all day in bed doing nothing and achieving zip.

The worst thing I can do when I'm on my own is to just sit there and stew. The hours pass and you realise you've wasted a whole day just sitting there brooding, which makes you even more depressed.

Have had bath

Fed dd's

dd2 is driving me mad,she wont go to sleep

Will go to work as i have no choice but not sure how i will muster a smile or fakeness

My parents dropped in to drop something off and i told them i wasnt well.Mum said "anything i can do?" i said no thanks(i could tell she only meant chores)
No offer to have kids or even stay for cup of tea(in a rush to help others and not their own)

Ultimately i am alone
Thanks for replies

You are amazing to go to work and smile. Don't let the inadequate responses of your nearest and dearest fill you with rage and resentment. Just acknowledge how bad it makes you feel and then move on. Remember you are going to treat your kids differently to how they are treating you. Best wishes.

I mean your parents (not your kids).

I think you need to visit the doctor. Don't try to struggle on your own, there is only so much you can cope with and pretty soon you'll be like that whistling kettle.

I confided in my HV once, she was very nice and visited me a couple of times. It just felt good to tell someone how I felt.

Thanks for the replies

Got through work(longest 4 hours)i deserve a bloody oscar though.You were right though Rhubarb,it lifted me in the sense that it made me forget for a while.

Rhubarb-I have thought about going back to the doctor but then i realised that they can't help me.I will not go back on meds(have tried quite a few)i hate them ,they dont work,they mess with your head further,they give you side effects.
They gave me 6 sessions of CBT about 18 months ago(for which i waited 18 months for) which was a pile of crap.Even though i told the psychologist it wasn't enough.
Basically unless i win the lottery and can afford private care then what's the point?

hi handbagcrumb i know how you feel as i feel the same as you do.i've felt this way for a few weeks but over the last couple of days i've felt worse.i first had depression nearly 2 years ago and was put on ad's,which i've now been off for 1 year and up to now have managed had a couple of wobbles but got through it.
i find i put a front on as i just want to be how i used to be.all day i've felt anxious about going to work tomorrow [i'm a mental health nurse]when i feel like i do today the thought of being at work fills me with dread.all i really want to do is stay indoors and not see or speak to anyone [apart from on mumsnet].i've recently moved so have a new doctor who i've only been to once and don't feel comfortable talking about my feelings to him yet,so i've been putting off going.

mrstimlovejoy-I hope you get on ok at work.
It is so hard to psych yourself up for it and then having to get through the shift.

I shall be doing the same again tomorrow.I dont normally work fridays but i am making up for 'snow'day off on mon.

I am dreading getting up(almost impossible)

There are more options you know. Perhaps you should change your doctor. You may never cure the depression, but you can learn ways of dealing with it, you can develop coping strategies and a good psychologist should be helping you to do just that.

I find that if I'm dreading something, it may be work or even just getting out of bed in the morning, it helps if I mentally prepare for it beforehand. So I'll make sure that I have something to wear for that day next to my bed so I'm not fumbling around. I'll spray my clothes with perfume beforehand so they smell nice when I'm putting them on. I close my eyes and picture myself getting out of bed and feeling ok about it, perhaps having a really nice shower first. I go through the motions in my head and of how it's going to be and how I'm going to feel. It sounds silly but it does work for me.

Different things work for different people and it sounds to me like you need to find your coping mechanism.

after staying in bed for as long as i could i managed to get ready for work.once i was there it wasn't too bad ,i quite enjoyed it probably because i had a shift with people who's company i enjoy.back again tomorrow again with another good bunch of people.
handbagcrumb hope you had a good day.have a nice weekend xx

I have felt a bit stronger today so it has been a little easier.I am still very lethargic and tired though.

mrstimlovejoy-Hi i'm glad that your day went well.I thought about you this morning.

Rhubarb-Getting psychological treatment is hard enough but i have to go out of my area (so have to travel around 30 miles )which means that i have a longer wait.I waited 18 months before i saw anyone and i told them that quite frankly i needed help 18 months ago.Possibly they may bump me up the list because i have been seen before but i wouldn't want more CBT.I may consider getting myself referred again i just need to find the strength to call ,even getting an appointment at our practice is like getting blood out of a stone(really stresses me tbh)

Thankyou again for the replies.