PND? not sure what is wrong with me,,,

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My PFB is 8 months old and I am starting to wonder if I have PND. If I write down how I am feeling could someone offer me an opinion about whether this is just normal new motherhood or something else?

Some days I cope absolutely fine and feel totally capable and in control, but about one day in 3 I feel anxious and unable to cope - even doing little things like getting on a bus with the buggy seem stressful and getting through the day seems insurmountable. On those days I feel really detached from poor DD, just doing the bare minimum and clockwatching until she will have a nap and I can do something for myself. I feel like I begrudge her all the attention she needs from me and that she must notice that the time I am giving her is not given very willingly. I don't feel I am very good at being a mother and I find myself doing chores round the house rather than holding her and playing with her - in fact I think I am deliberately doing these things to delay the time when I have to pick her up - writing this down makes me feel so terrible and sad for her. I feel really detached from her sometimes, and that she doesn't like me very much and wouldn't miss me if I weren't here. The other thing is that I feel very distant from my DH, who is a brilliant father, working very hard and also pulling more than his weight with DD. I am always picking fights with him or getting in a mood about nothing. I feel that if he does something with DD which is different from what I would do that this is a criticism of my skills as a mother and this makes me so upset and defensive. I'll do anything rather than have sex. I think about twice a week about running away - seriously packing a bag and just getting on a plane somewhere. I know I would never do it, I miss DD & DH so much if I am away from them for even a day, but I am scared of the life I have chosen for myself - I am no good at it and I desperately want to escape. I'm sure DD is not that fond of me and would not miss me if I were not here, even though DH is always telling me how good I am with her and how much they both need me.I just can't see it. Writing this down finally is making me cry so much

On the outside I'm sure everyone thinks I am doing really well because DD is happy and I look fine and my house is tidy etc. and DH & I are so very much in love underneath it all and no one sees us arguing. But I feel so trapped and unhappy.

Is this just what every mother feels underneath? I don't feel very able to talk about it with other mum friends in RL as they look at me blankly if I express any ambivalent feelings.

thank you for reading, I would love some advice as I feel alone with this and not sure what to do next apart from keep a stiff upper lip...

Not sure if you have PND or not but my little one is 6 months and i have felt like this. It could be me writing your story, although over the past 3 weeks have been feeling brighter and starting to enjoy him more.

I think i felt better after i spoke to my friend (not a mum so i didn't feel she was judging me).

I think you should have a chat to your health visitor, who could put you in touch with other mums in your area who have felt the same. I'm in essex so if i can help let me know.

Just wanted to say that you've pretty much described how I've been feeling. I never felt bad enough to want to run away but I know what you mean about other mums looking blank. I can see light at the end of the tunnel tho as my youngest is now 18 months and (dare I say it) life is getting slightly easier.

Hope you can get some help to feel better. Good luck

Hello NM. I have just finished reading your post and I feel like you have stolen the words out of my mouth. Everything thing you describe is exactly how I feel, even down to how me and my DH are with each other. Getting intimate with him was the last thing I wanted and when I did we got pregnant. I only just beginning to realise that this might have been due to my need to not get pregnant again.

I cant offer you any magic words to get better, in fact Im only just starting to realise I need help myself. My dd is 20mths and Im expecting my second in May. I have spoken to other mums and read a little on the net and believe I am suffering from post traumatic stress caused by a long labour. I dont know how your labour was, but its seems to me that you do have some form of depression. I never felt I had PND, after all I could get up and get dressed, which seemed to convince my HV I was ok. But what she didnt know was how I really felt underneath this mask I put on. Do you have a good HV or GP? One of the reasons I never spoke out was because I didnt like mine, they seemed to be too old and not the type of people you want to open your heart to. But Im moving doctors now and am determined to not let this affect me for ever. Just writing my story down was the hardest thing, but it now means when I go to the doctors I can show them what I feel without having to say it all myself. When you speak to your GP or HV dont tell half truths, ask for the help you need. It doesnt have to be meds it can be simple counselling sessions in your own home. Have a look at the Home Start website, they can offer help at home and Sure Start as well. I was never told of these services when dd was little but I wish I had.

You certainly arent alone, and you arent a bad mother either. Thats the hardest thing to realise, that this is not a refelction of you as a mum. The fact that your lo is flourishing shows that you are a great mum. Its just that mum needs some help to see what everyone else sees. I dont know where you live but in my area there is a new mums group being set up. Its called Mums Matter and has a message board to talk to others who feel the same. I only found it a few days ago and already feel a little bit more in control. I suggest to have a look at it, read the stories, my birth story is there as well under Nataz. If you want to talk more I hope we might be able to help each other. Whatever you do, its time to start taking care of yourself and putting you first. Your lo wont remember your past dark days but she will remember all the love you are able to give her as she gets older. Now I just have to believe it too!!

Let me know how you are, take care Nat xx

Hello

I was in a similar situation to you after my baby was born and I felt totally isolated. I suffered postnatal PTSD too and I felt that the PND I went onto have could have been due to stress throughout my 2nd pregnancy that I was about to have another traumatic birth - I was lucky as i didn't but all the same I suffered terrible anxiety and depression.

Most of my support came from a national charity that has links with homestart and a list of counsellors. its called Mothersvoice and the link is here unlike some other online support it doesn't matter where you live as they are national and have been established for a long time so have lots of users to offer help and support

It sounds like you are wearing the 'mask' thyat so many of us who have, or have had PND/PNI wear - it can help to remove that mask sometimes and let it all out to others who understand.
take care xx

You must go and see your doctor before you do something stupid. Your dh loves you I am sure but he won't stand for it for ever, and if you walk out yourself you will lose custody and probably the love of your baby.

Do you work? Maybe going back to work would make things better.

Hi Novicemama

My PFB is 7.5 months and I can completely relate to what you are saying. I was diagnosed with PND just before Xmas, but it has really just hit me in the last fortnight.

I am very lucky in that I have a RL friend to talk to who had PND after the birth of her son a couple of years ago.

Symptoms vary, but I know what you mean about detactching from your LO. I do that. Not all the time, but enough that I feel awful about it. Your description of the bus also sounds like me. Sometimes the smallest thing (couldn't find the right pair of socks...) can feel like the last straw. My head knows that my reactions to things such as these are not reasonable, but it makes no difference. In fact the gulf between my rational head and my feelings is what makes it so hard. You know that you love your daughter and husband, so why do you feel like this? The anwser is because you're not well ATM. You wouldn't beat yourself up for having a broken leg, you'd rest and give it time to heal. You need to do the same here, but please go to your GP or talk to someone in RL as well.

NB: A RL friend told me she had her bags mentally packed to run away as well, she told me she considered it every day for months.

I think I've ranted a bit, but please feel free to CAT me if you want to chat via email.

I always wonder if I had PND with my first child to some extent. I was unhappy and avoided doing things out of the house much, snappy at then DH. If I did it seemed to fade eventually so I think I had it mildly but it all felt like much harder work than it should and the self doubt was extreme. I was shocked by this as I was a nanny to a young baby in the years before i married and had children myself and was always very maternal and looked after several children and coped very well with that.

For me it was the pressure of getting it right and I over-worried so much about so little.

When I think of my subsequent pregnancies -where I didn't feel depressed, my whole attitude was different. I was coping and laid back and I didn't have a fear of it all going wrong.

If we say I did have some form of PND with DD1 then when I had it it made me totally incapable of basic stuff, and also made me utterly paranoid about my baby dying, keeping me up all night checking her. To me, that was extreme over anxiousness and a sign of depression.

I'm a little concerned about one of the replies here, which I am sure was well meaning, but please don't add the worry of your DH giving up supporting you. A good DH - which is what you describe - will support you through this whatever the cause and no matter how much of an arse it makes you.

If you were to run away, it would be dreadful but you wouldn't lose everything, the decision makers in these things (I mean people like GPs or Social Services) would recognise th ecry for help. I'm not saying run away, I'm just trying to point out, without any disrespect to the poster, that you needn't become even more fearful of your frightening feelings - that will only add to your anxiety.

Now that you've recognised you have a need, however that need is described (depression, PND, anxiety, tiredness, etc.) you can move to the next stage and address the problem by seeking help.

Whether you tell your DH, your GP, your mum or your HV first is up to you but do tell someone - just enough to make them aware that this is becoming an unmanageable problem for you. You don't need to bare your soul or reveal your most dark thoughts, you just need to say you need help to cope because your coping ability is failing you more than days that it is fully functioning!

Think about what would help, if you know. At work, I say to people 'if tomorrow was a magical new day where everything was near perfect, what would be different?' This can help you determine what your needs are.

You may need practical help, emotional support or medication for a while, and none of these types of help have a severity score attached. You could be on your knees with desperation and all it would take was someone to help with chores and similarly you could be mildly depressed and yet medication would be the solution. Don't feel bad about identifying your needs. Everyone has them, we need friends, drugs, coffee, chocolate because life is hard and life as a parent is double the responsibility.

I went through exactly the same thing for virtually the first year of DD's life and I'm sure I had PND but didn't want anyone to think i was a bad mum, so tried to hide it.

Some days I couldn't leave the house because by the time I had changed DD fed her and put her down for a sleep the whole morning/afternoon had passed by. I would write down times to do things and never stuck by them, which would make me feel even worse.I missed all morning playgroups because I couldn't get anything sorted in time. I felt like such a failure because everyone was expecting me to be such a great mum.

You need to talk to people who can help. I left it far too late and became really depressed. Can you get someone to give you some time off? Sounds like you need to spend some quality time on your own. Even an afternoon a week can really help.
Are there any playgroups/mothers groups nearby you can go to?

Please admit how you're feeling to people though - as you can see from here, there are plenty of us out there who have felt/are feeling the same.

The most important thing to realise is that you are being a fantastic mum - admitting that you feel like this means you really care about your baby. Its the first step to sorting it out.

Keep in touch on here with everyone, we're all here to support you and there are some great MNetters who can give you the right advice.

Oh and by the way, think probably nearly every mum in the first year of having baby has mentally packed their bags. Its the biggest lifechange we'll ever have and its also the bloody hardest. Don't beat yourself up about that.

I have been offline for a few days but am just checking back now my LO is napping and I am in floods of tears. The relief of knowing I am not the only one who feels like this is so huge, thank you all so so much.

I have a friend in RL who has had PND and I think I need to open up to her a bit more and see if she has any ideas, but you have also all given me the courage to accept that something is wrong and see my HV (my GP is rubbish but I think my HV will take me seriously). I feel so weak even admitting that there is a problem and when I have a "good" day I wonder what I was making such a fuss about, but the bad days come around with enough regularity to make me very unhappy and I need to do something about it.

I have tried to talk to my DH about it but I don't think he wants to hear it. I say to him "I can't cope" and he says "but you are coping - you are doing a wonderful job" which is lovely to hear but I feel like he is not listening to what I am really saying which is basically "HELP!"

I know I am lucky though - I do have lots of other mum friends (and non mum friends) to talk to, and I deliberately keep me and DD very busy and out and about most days so I don't have too much chance to stew at home. Before I had her, I thought I would absolutely love being a mum so it is a big shock to discover that I find it incredibly stressful - even playing with her and having fun with her feels like a charade. I can't tell you what a relief it is to be able to write all this down finally.

brightongirldownunder, you are right about time to myself. My DH took a day off work this week and took DD out for a few hours and it made a huge difference to my ability to get through the day. I am in that classic modern situation of not having any family nearby to lend a hand but maybe I just need to ask for help if I need it and try to plan time alone for myself every week.

ouchitreallyhurts - thanks for the link to Mothers Voice, they look really good.

I have to go as my LO is waking up but thank you all so so much, I feel so supported by everything you have said and I'll let you know how it goes talking to someone about it.

take care all of you xxx

Things will change so much over the next year between you and your DD. When they become toddlers you suddenly have a friend that wants to communicate and play with you. It was a turning point for me.
Your DH probably won't understand. Nobody does unless they've been though it. Don't worry about that.
Good luck with getting help and def have some you time too.

I agree with BGDU - my lo has just started, in her own way, asking for 'mammy'. Melts my heart everytime. If I wasnt pregnant again I prob would have ignored my problems, but my fear of it happening again with new baby makes me have to do something about it.

Make the most of those hours when lo is asleep, watch tv or catch up on your magazines. Dont feel you have to do the dishes etc. After talking my my dh he understands that I struggle to do both babycare and housework, so now he does the dishes and cooks tea. Its only a tinny bit of what needs doing, but knowing I dont have to try and be a 'supermum' certianly helps.

Good luck with your HV and defo speak to your friends. Its much harder to go it alone.

Do you have a local sports centre with a creche? It might give you the chance of an hour to yourself during the day and you can swim or whatever.

Take care

just a quick update.

had a long chat with my DH over the weekend and he now really realises that I am struggling. Bless him, he took DD off for most of Sunday so I could go to a gym class and chill out and I am also going to see my HV this week at his instigation. I already feel SO much better for having talked about it, and my friend who has had PND has also been amazing over email.

Am definitely having a few "good" days at the moment so I need to come back to this thread when a bad day comes along to reassure myself that I am not in this alone and that I can and should get help.

It's harder than anyone realises isn't it? How are you all doing?