where do i find the energy?

[nightowl]

i feel so bad writing posts like this. i mostly pretend im ok or make light of things but i know it always comes out as "she's complaining again". im sick of complaining and im sick of life being a struggle. i dont want to be strong. i dont want to keep bouncing back. i dont want to be proud of achieving anything. just for once, i want life to be ok. i want the problems to not be there in the first place. i want something to go right. i want to close my curtains, curl up and for everyone to leave me alone. my house is a shit tip, i cant be bothered. i cant be bothered to eat and im barely looking after the children. i cant cope with them. (well dd mainly). this is what i want:

to go out occasionally without my friends letting me down.
to have my job.
for my daughter to behave reasonably well.
for my son to want to spend time with me.

who would have thought that was too much to ask? just to have one month without something horrendous happen would be nice. oh whinge whinge, whinging isnt going to help and i could really try to get myself out of this rut but i have tried and its out of my hands. every problem i try to resolve im up against a brick wall. i have no sympathy for people who dont even try at all but trying doesnt seem to get me anywhere. its so frustrating. if i went down the shop for a pint of milk ive no doubt something would stand in my way. its so tempting to lock myself in the house and sleep for a week. will someone please give me a huge kick up the ass?

I know how u feel. I want to try to make my life ok, but I'm trapped so I know how u feel.
My advice is just go with it. You sound like your really low so B low tonight. Slouch out and feel sorry for yourself because we all need to sometimes.
Then tomorrow go to the GP and get some anti-depressants if you don't have them. I take them and to me that is what makes me able to keep going with the day to day monotony of being a parents. Cleaning the house, cooking etc.
Don't go with this feeling for too long as the future could maybe get better for u or me.
And if you truly want here is a kick up the ass from me
try to feel better

is there any possibility of you moving away from where you are? do you think a fresh start would help? if you can't eat then you're going to be lacking in energy - could you try having bread and cheese or bread and peanut butter - that's something simple and quick with zero prep time that will keep you going?

i think you have previously posted about taking ADs - apologies if I am wrong. If so, are you still taking them. In any case, it might help if you talk to whichever of HV/GP s likely to be most use about what's going on at present, and to CAB to sort out whatever IR have done with ?contribution to childcare ?

i havent taken ad's for over a year. they arent the answer. i cant and wont move away, ive spent far too much money on this house to move into another council shithole. thats it you see..there is no answer to the things that happen. they are beyond my control. cab would be lovely mtos but i have about a 2 weeks before i go under. shall i just give up my job now and save myself the hassle? what was the point trying to get back some sense of normality i wonder. bugger it...i cant be arsed. think if i stick my head under the pillow it will all go away? sad . trouble is, im making things worse for myself by being like this...hence why i ask for the kick in the ass. im too depressed to go to work...stupid. maybe it just wasnt meant to be.

i know im not talking sense.

and its impossible to get an appointment with gp here...ive been trying for two weeks. you cant book an appointment in advance, you have to phone the day before so they can tell you no appointments are left. so you phone the next morn...and no appointments are left but ring at 12. so you do that and no appointments are left...and maybe you should try for the next day. i wonder how all these appointments are filled? an endless mystery.

ads aren't the answer but if you are reaching a certain point where you feel everything is hopeless, you are worthless then (i.e the point of depression) then they can get you out of that rut enough to try and sort out the other stuff in your life.

CAB can help with money/debt/writing to people to sort out money problems - I think that it is important you see them if you do think that you're going to go under financially in the near future. I don't know enough about your situation to say whether you would feel better emotionally/financially if you gave up work right now. I honestly don't know. what exactly went wrong with the childcare? i don't know much about that at all, but there's bound to be someone on here who does.

can you change to another GPs as that sounds a bit useless

its just daft things mts. when i got back into work (you prob know what happened at my last job, ive ranted about it enough!) lone parent advisor gave me all this great help which i didnt get. housing benefit for a month (only just gone through) back to work grant (which social told me i couldnt have, mistake, only just gone through) and they did me a calculation to convince me i was definately better off working. ir havent awarded me anything for childcare and ive given them the info 6 times now, plus their computers are down and god knows how long that will be for. right now i have £24 a week coming in...barely covers the cat food.

oh god that sounds like an utter nightmare. so if I understand you right, the IR are stuffing things up by just sitting on the claim for childcare, and not doing anything with it, rather than knocking you back for any reason.

think you gotta speak to CAB and/or a Lone Parents Advisor to try and sort this out. Would you be entitled to any sort of crisis/hardship loan from the Social Security at all???

not that i know to. have spoken to lone parent adviser who told me to just "keep an eye on things". jeez thanks. they sent a calc finally with (almost) the right information (right childcare figures anyway) but not the right award...(well i hope the award was wrong because otherwise...well..oh dear). where do you get the time to be so nice to so many people mts? . i always see you around being helpful!

coz my house is a shit tip too !

was meant to be going to bed early, then my friend phoned at 10.30 p.m. as she was bored marking - DH is not going to be too impressed at me still be on the computer this late!

say you were doing research. men dont understand that generally. he he (evil laugh). bet you dont have quavers all over your floor though eh?

right finally off to bed now - think DH is asleep - oh well at least he won't know how late I've been!

thanks for being there mts...ive cheered up a bit now...just helps to talk to someone sometimes