Friend with PND - any advice?

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Hi all

I wonder if anyone can help me? I have a colleague who had her first baby in December and is now suffering from post-natal depression. We are both student midwives and met through the course. I haven't known her that long and we are not super-close, but fairly so.

She has a number of factors which are contributing:

• traumatic forceps delivery following a really good labour. Obviously she knows how good birth can be, and also how medical intervention can sometimes do more harm than good. She really feels this happened in her case and is resentful of both her partner (who persuaded her against a home birth) and the medics. She feels that if things had been handled differently she could have had a normal delivery
• her own mum died a few years ago and this has all brought it home how much she misses her. Also, her dad's just got engaged again
• IVF pregnancy following a long time trying
• failed breast feeder (her interpretation not mine) - this is a bit of a chicken and egg situation in that she had seriously sore nipples so had to cut down feeding, combined with then-unrecognised PND, which all contributed to her stopping in despair. Now she feels really guilty which isn't helping her mood

As student midwives we learn the theory of PND, but it's very different when it's your friend sitting there in tears. I have tried to help and support her - obviously listening to her and trying to make her feel better about the birth and feeding situation. She's being very open and honest, and has been prescribed anti-depressants by the GP but says that she cries all the time and can't enjoy her baby. All I can think is to keep in contact, try to visit as often as possible and get her out of the house. A bunch of us are going to make sure that she has regular visitors, offer to babysit if she wants to get out on her own etc.

But all those things seem to have possible problems as well. We don't want to overwhelm her, force her to do things when she's not ready, separate her from the baby if that's unhelpful. If we ask her to come out and she says no, should we try to persuade her (I know from personal experience that depression can make you just not want to see anyone!) or let it be until next time?

Sorry for the long post, but if there's anyone out there who has been through PND, what helped you and what was really unhelpful? What were you desperate for people to do that they never thought of, and what did people insist on doing that was just annoying?

Thanks so much to anyone who can help.

It's lovely that you are so concerned for your friend. I had PND I found it very difficult to respond to the love shown to me but was aware people were there and standing by me. You can't taake the PND away, just ask her what she would like week by week. Remind her that she will get better. How long has she been taking the ADs perhaps she needs to go back to GP, they do take a few weeks to work. I hope she recovers soon.

Thanks ilovesummer. I just feel pretty helpless and like I should know what to do but don't. Like I said we haven't known each other that long, so I don't have that kind of understanding of a friend's needs that comes from an old friendship. She has other friends, of course, but seems to really appreciate those of us from the course - maybe she thinks we'll understand more, I don't know. She's only had the ADs for a week or so.

By the way, part of her knows that regarding the birth it's just not possible to know what would have happened if she'd been at home/in the pool as she would have liked. Maybe forceps were just meant to be. She's resentful that certain things were done that she knows perfectly well could have contributed. She's even talking about not finishing her training cos "I couldn't do to another woman what was done to me".

Our local hospital offers a service call Birth after thoughts..... or something like that. It's an opportunity to talk through the birth and why things happened. Perhaps her local hospital offers this. She may be suffering from Post birth trauma, which will get better with time, or may need counselling.

Hello

I think ILS could have a point that your friend is suffering with birth trauma and if possible a debriefing or session with someone for after thoughts could really help.

There is more info about it on mothersvoice.org.uk and the birth trauma association who both explain ways to deal with the effects of BT and PND.

It would be terrible if she quit her ttraining as she has the heart of a good midwife from what you've said (about her not wanting anyone else to go through that etc)
You sound like a brilliant group of friends and as someone who has suffered BT and PND I can honestly say that your friendship would have helped me a lot. THe really helpful things people did for me was to take lo out while i got some rest (on my bad days) or to listen when i needed to talk. I can't think of anythng annoying

take care

x