Motherhood is the worst thing that ever happened to me

[kipperlips]

I love my beautiful dd with all my heart but my life has gone way off track since she was born and I am really struggling to come to terms with all that's happened to me. I returned from living overseas where my husband was working in order to have her and all went well until she was two weeks old at which point I was admitted to hospital with a life threatening bowel condition. I was in for nearly 3 weeks during which time I underwent heavy treatments and was obliged to give up bf as some of the many many medications were contraindicated. At the time I didn't realise just how much I was giving up. I began to develop PND which was exacerbated by some of my medications and became extremely serious before it was picked up. I was discharged from hospital after my bowels improved but at home found I was completely confused and too physically and mentally weak to care for my baby. Following this I became suicidal and was admitted to a mother and baby unit where I stayed for a further 3/4 weeks. I was discharged some weeks ago now but continue on ADs.
I am now living with my mother as my DH has returned overseas to complete his contract. DD and I will be joining him in a few weeks. The problem is that despite hours of counselling, ADs and everything else, I stil feel incredibly low. I miss my husband terribly and the lack of stability in our home life really doesn't help. I seem to grieve for bf daily and cannot let it drop despite the fact that I am sure my DD won't even remember any different. I find being alone in the daytimes very hard as I dwell constantly on all the horrible things that have happened to me and all the pain I put my family through. Can anyone offer me any coping strategies?

You sound exhausted, both physically and mentally.

I can understand the longing to have bf as I gave up with my youngest before I wanted too but 2 years down the line it doesn't hurt as much.

You haven't put your family through anything. It wasn't your fault you were ill. Sh*t happens sometimes and it is really awful that it happened at the time when you had your lovely new baby.

You are missing your husband and he is missing his baby. It is hard for both of you but you have your baby and your mum and try and think of it as a positive sign with 3 generations spending time together.

Don't do too much but have at least one reason to go out each day and have a plan for what you are going to do. My children are older than yours but I feel happier if I know what I am doing that day. I am also on long term AD's.

{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}

Oh goodness, kipperlips. You poor thing.

I don't have any experience of PND, and I'm sure someone will be along very soon to help you more directly.

But I can say, you have to let yourself feel this way, and not beat yourself up about it. You've been through an awful experience by the sounds of it, and you are separated from your DH, which is very upsetting. It's not surprising or wrong that you feel so unhappy and low. Even if you hadn't had your DD, but had "just" () suffered the bowel condition and separation from your DH, you would be entitled to feel dreadful. Add to that the life-changing event that is the birth of a child, and it's a situation guaranteed to provoke strong emotions.

What I'm trying to say is: don't beat yourself up for your feelings: examine them. Then seek help from your GP or HV to deal with them, if that feels the right thing to do.

And be kind to yourself: it's not motherhood per se that's the worst thing - rather that all these things have happened at the same time? Do you see what I mean?

Actually, it sounds like you're coping really well. Be proud of yourself. You've come through a lot.

Sorry - I missed the part that you're already in counselling.

Again - give yourself a break! Let the counselling do its work - slowly. Things won't improve overnight; but one day you'll wake up and just feel better.

You poor think Kipperlips - you've really been through it haven't you!

I was very ill after DD1 was born, and although this is different from the feelings you describe, I can remember for a long while thinking that if DD1 would just go away (even though I loved her a lot), everything would go back to normal, because all my problems were caught up in my mind with her being born. It took a while for me to separate it all out, and to realise that actually DD1 was the GOOD thing to come out of all of this, and that if she wasn't there, all the other stuff would still be going on, but there wouldn't have been any good outcome from it IYSWIM?

Sorry that you are grieving so much for the loss of bf. There are many reasons for stopping it, and yours is one of the best as it was clearly better for your DD with the medication you were on. We are very lucky in this country to have good infant formula as a back-up in exactly these situations. Your DD will also have got a lot of benefit and antibodies from the 2 weeks of bf she did have so you have absolutely given her the best start.

I think that sometimes we are so conditioned into thinking that birth is such a natural experience and that everyone will have the perfect birth and a happy outcome, that it's easy to feel cheated when that doesn't happen. Sometimes I think that it might have been a more supportive atmosphere when the community regarded childbirth as a dangerous path and celebrated when both mother and baby came through unscathed!

Thanks so much for your messages which have already made me feel a little better. Just sharing my story seems to have lightened my load a bit and it's nice to have it acknowledged that I have already come through a lot on my rocky road to recovery. I suppose I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Took my DD swimming today which was lovely. Once I do make the effort to get out and about it is invariably worth it.