Understanding Depression

[onthepier]

Several years ago now, before we had children, my dh had a couple of "depressive episodes", each lasting a few months at a time.

His work was very stressful + after buying a house, we suddenly weren't sure of the security of his job, (he's the main breadwinner).

We were talking about it the other night, + I was asking why, once the job situation was sorted, the depression continued for a while. I remember that period as being very hard for me, (we had only recently married at that time, I'm quite a bit younger than him), + he was suddenly like a different person.

Basically he barely communicated at that time, seemed utterly ungrateful for anything I did for him, (small things like cook a nice meal, organise a nice daytrip, etc).

He basically thinks I'm being unreasonable, he says that unless you've had experience of depression, (+ I haven't, luckily), you can't begin to understand, + I can see he feels awkward about suddenly seeing that time from my point of view. I think he can see it, but seems to brush aside the fact that his behaviour made me miserable at what should have been a happy time the year after our wedding! Friends + family were noticing changes in him, + the times I suggested he go to the doctor's, he didn't want to know.

I know this was several years ago now, but could somebody with experience of depression give me an insight into how the depressive actually feels? My dh says you lose all sight of how people around you are feeling, + seems frustrated now he realises how upset I was by it all. He says he can't believe I took it personally!

He's been fine since by the way + is a great dad to the dc's. He still suffers from work stress, but says he's found a way of dealing with it so it doesn't develop into depression. I do watch him more carefully when he is going through a stressful time, because if the same problems arise I want to "nip it in the bud" before it develops again.

Just wondered if anybody could offer any insight.

I agree with your DH to some extent - that depression often doesn't appear rationale - i.e. it wouldn't necessarily finish as soon as a stressful situation has finished. Also agree that you can lose empathy with other people. However - I do feel it's a bit insensitive of him not to understand that you would be affected by him being so distant.

At my worst, I felt the way you feel when something genuinely terrifying is going to happen - imagine the scariest thing you've ever had to face, final exams or whatever, so lots of adrenalin and the accompanying physical sensations (racing heart, churning gut etc) plus the blackest thoughts imaginable about how life is utterly meaningless. Imagine feeling that way every waking minute, and not being able to imagine that you will ever feel any different. Now imagine that someone has "cooked you a nice meal". Sorry if this sounds brutal, but if you are staring into that abyss (and I don't think you can imagine it if you haven't been there) those gestures don't help at all. If he's not grateful now for all your support at the time, then that is a different matter.

Your DH was ill. Just because some stresses were relieved doesn't mean the illness goes away.

It isn't personal. People with depression can barely look after themselves and think past the next 2 minutes never mind consider others and make plans.

Depression is a chemical ibbalance in the brain and nothing is going to sort it without external helo.

Snap out of it, pull yourself together, cheer up, what has s/he got to be sepressed about - all crap,

BLUESTOCKING -that was a fantastic way of summing up how depression feels ,great expalnation.
thats how i felt like i would never smile or find happiness ever again,i was so wrapped up in my thoughts i didnt take notice of anyone around me its all consuming and fills every waking moment.
its true that unless its happened to you ,you will never understand.
both me and dh suffer with depression and know what each other is going through ,its hard to be parents through those times .
they are the best reason to keep going

Thanks for all your replies, it does help to get an insight into depression, from people who have experienced it.

My dh finds it hard to talk about that time, + says, "Just park it, I've found a way of dealing with it if I ever feel it could come back, it was years ago now!"

I suppose I do get annoyed with his dismissive response to how difficult he was to live with at that time, but after reading your posts I realise that it wasn't necessarily something he could help.

It all came to a head around that time, when one of his ex-colleagues visited us for the weekend. One of the evenings they stayed up late having a drink. I went to bed as I had an early start the next day + all seemed fine. Came down early hours of morning to get a drink of water, only to find my dh in floods of tears + his friend very anxiously trying to placate him.

My dh says even now he doesn't know what brought it on, they were having a lively debate accompanied by a few drinks + he suddenly couldn't stop the tears. He does say now that he'll never allow himself to get so low again, that was an awful night, I try to blank it from my mind! He still feels slightly embarrassed in front of his friend, years later, as it was so out of character.