So pleased I found this forum, and now wondering if I could be depressed?

[PlumbJam]

As it says in the title, I'm so pleased that I found this forum. So much of what I've read sounds so familiar to me and has made me realise that I'm not weird, ungrateful or a horrible person. All of which I've felt like.

So my main 'symptoms' are
Chronic anxiety - I worry about everything, big or small. It wears me out and annoys those around me.

Complete lack of sexual desire which of course causes problems within my relationship. I love my husband and I know I do, but the fact that I have no desire for him whatsoever has made me question that. Surely I can't love him if I feel like this? I even flinch when he gives me a kiss. I can't bear any kind of sexual contact. I also seem intent on causing arguments with dh, I'm constantly sniping at him and blaming him for things that aren't his fault. I can't work out why I do it and often consciously decide that I won't act that like anymore, but then find myself doing it.

I often break down in floods of tears and wish that I could get away from everything. I adore my children and never want to leave them, but on the same hand I don't feel like I'm a good mother and I struggle to cope when things get tough. Then I start to feel guilty for feeling that way. In my blackest moments I've felt like if someone were to put a gun to my head all I'd fear is relief.

My life is so good. I've got a perfect family - a great husband and two beautiful children, 3 and 6 months. I feel I'm a horrible ungrateful selfish cow to be feeling this way.

I don't really have anyone to talk to about it as I don't think they'd understand. My sister has often scoffed at the depression of a friend of hers because as she puts it 'what's she got to be depressed about?'. The said friend has a young family and a 'good' life. Rather much like myself. I mentioned to dh that I think I may be depressed and his response was 'what about? It's not me is it?'. That immediately irritated me and I ended the conversaton.

I feel like I want someone to notice how I'm feeling and 'save' me, but at the same time I put a front on around people. I'm scared to go to the dr in case I get a patronising 'chin up' kind of response. Equally I don't want to be fobbed off with tablets. I don't know whatv I want.

Sorry for having such a ramble and thanks for reading. To those of you who have been diagnosed with depression, do my feelings sound similar to you? Could it be mild pnd? My daughter is 6 months old, but if I'm honest I felt similar before I had her.

Maybe I'm just making a fuss and I should just 'pull myself together', but I don't know how to.

You could be depressed, you don't have to have anything to be 'depressed about' in order to be depressed, it;s an illness, a chemical imbalance! It annoys me when people are so ignorant about that.

Anxiety is a symptom of depression I think, but also a problem in its own right. Talk it through with your GP. They will probably try to fob you off with tablets, but should be sympathetic. Ask if there is counselling available instead of medication. It's far more effective. It's usually quite short term on the NHS though, at least in our area.

You can pay for private counselling, about £35 per hour. I did this and while it was a big outlay, it diod me far more good than anti=-depressnats, which only supress the symptoms and don't address the root cause.

I hope you get the support you need, I am sure there will be lots of support here. You are not alone in feeling like this. x

(Sorry that was full of typos, I have cold hands!)

I've told my sis before that depression is a chemical imbalance. She seems to think that anyone who has a family (which is what she most desires) doesn't have the 'right' to be depressed. The word 'depressed' is so misused in our society. People often describe themselves as depressed if they're feeling a bit deflated or down in the dumps

I might have a word with my hv as I get on with her quite well and think I can be honest with her.

Thanks for your response.

Didn't notice the typos!

I hope she will be able to help you, it will probably help just to talk about it.

Although I'm not suggesting this will be a miricle cure, it also sounds like you could do with a 'break'. DCs are exhausting and after a couple of hours away you may feel revitalised. I know I did when my ds was that age. You can start to feel quite isolated.

Could you sister look after your dd for a while so you could pop out to the shops on your own, have a coffee, browse, have you hair done etc? It won't cure depression but it may lift you a bit. Although I know that, with depression, one can feel it's pointless to do anything and have no enthusuiam or energy and don't enjoy doing the stuff you used to enjoy.

I do need a break. I love my children but I never have a break. Never have time to myself. I don't know if I am depressed or, like you say, I just feel isolated, alone and suffocated.

Like you say though, I need to find something I enjoy doing. Lately the only things I want to do are sleep and binge-eat. Can't remember the last time I got my hair done or went shopping for me because, as you say, things like that seem pointless. I should make a concerted effort to get out there.

You say you felt like this before you had your daughter - this may have been the last vestiges of PND from the last birth.
And my PND with DS2 was diagnosed when he was about 7 months old.
CBT therapy can help - you could look in to it by readi g a book to see what you think. The one I read was 'Feeling Good' - cant't remember the author but it's on Amazon.
The good thing about it, I think, is that it focuses on how you feel now and how you can make yourself feel better, rather than dwelling on the past and analysing where thjngs may have gone wrong for you, which I'm sure is equally valid as a therapy, but I've never tried it.
You can feel better and get through this, but you have to take the first step.

Plumb, I have found that sometimes, when you least feel like doing something, ie going out, if you force yourself (or for me, if others persuaded me), I always felt better for doing it, even if the actual idea beforehand filled me with apathy or dread. Try to make an effort and see how you feel.

I agree, one of the key ways to feel better is activity. But I know that when your DCs are tiny you feel as if you can't achieve anything, so why start?

If you can get past that feeling, you'll start to feel better.

And sometimes your diet can cause an imbalance of brain chemical. I've been following Potatoes not Prozac for years on and off, and it definitely makes a difference.

Thanks. I keep thinking I should start on an exercise class or something, as I'm so inactive. And I'm sure my diet impacts on my mood. I often live on ready meals and I binge on all the wrong things.

Maybe a swift kick up the backside is all I need?

Hi, I am havin counselling for anxiety. i feel like I can't cope with things, constantly shaky, a feeling of dread as I wake up, and panic attacks (reducing now, just get breathless and shaky). Get niggly and mithered very easily.

Counsellor says i am showing some signs of depression as anxiety and depression feed off each other. You get fed up as you are not getting better which makes you depressed. I sometimes feel i am going to cry when i go out.

I get agitated about going out - going to the loo, and trembly etc. But as part of my treatment i have to make myself go out every day for a walk etc, so as to get used to it i guess. I also go running with a friend, I moan to her, wear myself out and feel much calmer and relaxed (knackered really!) when i get home, but its a nice feeling - feels normal!

I said to the counsellor that I disagreed i was depressed. i said people who are depressed dont want to get out of bed in the morning. No thats not true she said.
She said people say 'i'm fed up, depressed' and they really aren't. Fed up is not depression. To want to cry when i am out shows agitation with myself apparaently, and this is a sign!

HTH xx

Plumbjam you don't need a kick up the backside you need to be taken care of - and the only person who can really take care of you is you!

Hi Plumbjam I could have written your post myself.

I have anxiety about everything but put up a front so that very few people actually know that I am ill. Since birth of second DC I have started taking AD's and am now having counselling here

Exercise is a big help for me and have just started running again. Even if you can just get out for a brisk walk it will help. One of the things HV advised was having me time every day even just 10 minutes.

I don't leave my children either and rarely have a break. Mine is due to anxiety at leaving them so am trying to do it little by little.

I know it seems hard at the moment and I am still finding it really difficult but there is a small light at the end of a very dark tunnel.

Please please talk to somebody, if you feel comfortable with your HV then speak to her. Sometimes just speaking about how you feel can help to negate some of your fears. You don't need a kick up the backside you need some TLC, from yourself especially

HTH xx