I dont know who i am anymore, i just want to feel normal again, help?

[babylove21]

I came off citalopram in early preg. My baby is now 9 months and i was prescribed them a month ago. But this time 20mg, whereas last time 10mg. I didnt know until i came to take them what the dose was assumed i was given the same.
I lack motivation in a big way. I love my baby with all my heart and i am a good mum.
But its the rest of life i can't pull together.
I had a bug and then a bad hangover and for one reason or another find myself 5 days without citalopram. although taking them helps me stay, hmm calm it doesnt give me any zest for life either and thats disappointing. I could sleep for England.
I lay awake late into the night and often end up reading. But in the morning i am useless. Only my baby can rouse me. But as she is soo good and likes a morning nap, well i just crawl back in to and sometimes it doesnt feel like my day starts until lunch time! I just feel so low.
My partner is not understanding. He thinks i am lazy or his latest phrase is i am just wierd.
I need to go back to work. But as i will be self employed the process is ,or at least feels like its too much to do.
I can't get up now, i can't meet any appointments. My baby hasnt been to clinic for ages because they shut at 12. It's just all getting worse and i can seem to find a way out. Physically im knackered, yet i do nothing. And then i see those poor people in Gazza with their homes blown away and their children shot dead or worse and i think how lucky i must be, so why is it i feel so bad all the time.
I have asked for councelling but the waiting list is huge, or thats all they keep saying.
I feel like life is passing me by, im not living im just exsisting.
I know there is not a quick fix, i just want some ideas. Anything. I just feel so alone.

ah bless you i have felt the same in the past
its so importanat for you to take your tablets on time and not miss any ,i know they dont make you better they just help you cope until it passes and it will ive been to hell and back twice and have the foresight to know it does get better and there is light at the end of the tunnel
do you have your name down for the counselling?
you are not lazy you have illness its just not visable to others
do you have any friends and family you could share this with ?

Thanks Candy.
Yes i have been sent the request form for the counselling and today i took it in, which was no mean feat as it meant getting me and baby ready and driving 5 miles. Easy!
The form stresses more than once that there is a high demand for it so waiting times can be lengthy. Still i have given the form in.

I only have one friend i see regular and although she knows about my depression ( even had postnatal dep herself)i cant bring myself to go into detail. I can say to her i am feeling low or i lack motivation etc and she says what i already know. you need to get up, go to bed early, excersise.

Everything is just such an effort.
I tried this week, i signed up for mr motivator. i spent 2 mornings watching it from my bed and the 3rd i actually got up to do it and they spent more time talking lol typical. This morning i watched him from the sofa.

Thanks for replying to me.

well done for taking the form in .
you can always teel us on here about how your feeling ,its good to just write it down .
when i was at my worst i would write a diary of how i was feeling it helped me to realise how far id come when i read it back a month or so later.
i found its taken 4-6 weeks to feel the affects of the ad's
it is normal to feel exhausted to a baby of 9 months so you can put some of how your feeling down to that.
its sad that your husband isnt being supportive -maybe you could get him a book on pnd (not sure if he would read it) he needs to understand how you are feeling and that its an illness.
have you considered getting a home start volunteer i had one when my son was a baby and she was amazing,your health visitor can refer you.

Hi Candy. whats a home start volunteer?

Im trying to think positive about things. I really do need to find myself a job. with my partner having fewer hours now its getting hard financially and thats not helping.
I have started looking and sent for some applications so i feel a little more positive than yesterday. Trouble is i know that i can be up one day and right down the next. for now i am just going to focus on gwtting up in the morning and doing something constructive during the day so i can feel i have achieved something.
Thanks again for your support.