Having dark thoughts about "disappearing" and taking DS with me

[MistakenIdentity]

Have name changed for this.

Don't know where to start, really. I just know I'm not coping well at all, with life generally. I have what feels like a very weak grip on it at the moment.

Four-year-old DS and I have had a tough few years, which have seen a relatively stable family unit and financial security turned completely upside down, traumatically.

It's been just DS and I for a while now, although he sees his dad regularly. I miss DS when he's with his dad, and he doesn't even go off with him for long yet, being very young and liking to be close to his mum all the time.

I have been lucky enough to go out a few times this week with friends, and DS hates it. He says I'm going out too much and should be with him all the time; should never leave. I feel so responsible for his happiness and keeping him secure and enjoying life, which can feel suffocating, not least because I am not achieving these things for myself.

Now being on my own, I find I stay up too late at night in order to just about keep on top of chores, get DS's school bits ready for the next day, try to spend some time working out what happens next WRT to finances, work, etc - and, if I'm lucky, have a few minutes of quiet time to wind down myself. Then I can't get up in the morning. This morning a wake-up call: DS laying next to me in bed for nearly two hours begging me to get up, telling me he feels lonely and has no one to play with, and eventually kicking me and hitting himself in frustration. But I just couldn't get up. And when I did get up, my temper was so foul I had to have a good go at the punch bag in the hall which is there for DS to vent on. He must have felt terrified.

My feelings of failure and inadequacy as a parent and as a functioning adult are overwhelming. I feel like family dysfunction personified - and I never, ever imagined this would be my life. DS must be considerably fucked up as a result of what he's been through, and on account of the stresses and strains and instability still in our lives, and I'm finding it intolerable to live with this thought - and the responsibility of trying to restabilise him when I feel derailed myself. He deserves so, so much better.

At times like these, I don't want to be alive. I find life too much, overwhelming: the sense of failure, the massive amount of stuff to sort out in breaking apart a family unit and becoming financially independent, DS wanting me to play with him constantly, the emotional wrench of being less a part of DS's life because of school/my increased work commitments/time with his dad - oh, the years ahead of regularly sending DS off to his dad to live a life wholly separate from me. I just can't face it. I have no energy or enthusiasm for it.

But I can't leave DS. I have been his rock in all the turbulence of the last few years. He's already experienced rejections and losses and feelings of a kind that small children, IMHO, shouldn't have to handle. And so I had the darkest thought the other day that maybe the "kindest" thing would be for us both to not be around anymore. This scares the hell out of me.

What is the way out from this? How do I get back on track with enthusiasm - get a grip on my temper, my emotions, my time management, my energy, my life and in turn DS's life - when it seems so broken; like it could never be good enough again?

Thanks for persevering this far.

I'm not sure I have enough experience in anything like this to give advice but didn't want you to go unanswered

Have you seen your GP ? Considered counselling or AD's ? Is there anyone in rl who can help you out - give you a break or even just be with you and DS and just be an extra pair of hands ?

I'm sure someone more knowledgable and helpful will be along shortly.........

I'm sorry, I don't really have any advice, but didn't want to leave this unanswered.

You mention that you've made some friends... Could you not organise some play dates for your son, so that you get some free time and he gets some time away from you.

Can his dad help you out a bit more? Would he be willing perhaps to pay for a cleaner or an au pair, someone who could help lighten the load?

Sorry not to be more help.

where are you? you need some support

Please, you have to consider going to your doctor and telling them what you've said on here. There is a way forward from this, but you may need some support to help you get there. I went to the doctor with depression, feeling a total failure as a mother and a human being, and feeling that I was only trying to get through the day. It was the best thing I ever did and they've been very helpful with treatment and counselling. You don't say if you've had any treatment or support?

My advice would be for you to find a counseller asap ( you get referred through your GP ) so you can talk through the past and let it out. I can tell you feel incredibly guilty about what your DS has been through and that's making you way too hard on yourself and the expectations your DS has on you !

You sound like you are doing a wonderful job and are extremely critical of yourself for some reason. You don't need to feel guilty for not playing with your DS 24/7, or going out with your friends. All parents should have a life of their own !

Please try and make an appointment with your GP because they will sit down and talk things through and even help you make a routine for you to cope with the day to day chores etc..

I hope things turn around soon for you x

MistakenIdentity, the fact that you are recognising how you feel is good. It sounds like there are very good reasons you feel the way you do.

If you work are you able to take any time off? Does your ds go to school or playschool. I'm just wondering if he does if you could catch up with some rest then.

As for household chores. Just do essential ones e.g. meals, washing up etc things like ironing can be left.

I agree with the others that you should see your GP, they may be able to help put you in touch with support organisations as well as prescribing medication if necessary. Also do you have a Sure Start centre in your area because they will be able to help you.

Finally as I'm sure you know kids cope with things very well as long as you are doing your best to make sure your son feels loved and secure(and it sounds like you are) he will be ok. This is just a short period in his life, and I'm sure he probably won't even remember it when he is older. So please stop feeling guilty.

It is clear from your post that you are not an inadequate parent. Your DS wants to be close to you and goes in bed with you - clearly you are his world and he loves you to bits. The most fundamental thing in a child's life is the love of his mother and your DS clearly has lots of that.

For the practical stuff, are you able to get any help from your mum or another family member? Your DS is still very little - (mine are younger) - but as I understand it (!), there will come a time when he'll happily get up and play with stuff/watch TV and let you have a rest. Sorry not to be able to help more, but you are clearly a loving mum and that is the most important thing for your DS.

Mistaken - are you OK?

Mistaken, where are you? It sounds like you need some help.

You are obviously a great mum because ds loves you.

Things will get better. Ds is still very young, you feel overwhelmed. Is there anyone who can help you?

How are you feeling now, Mistaken?

I've felt the way you are feeling now. I've thought those thoughts in the past.

I don't any more. Not even occasionally. Life WILL get better.

Please make an appointment to see your doctor, you don't have to put up with feeling like this.

Mistaken, I hope you are still here reading, even if you don't feel like posting.

There are so many things I want to say to you in response to your post and I don't know where to start.

Firstly, if you feel this dark and things seem this bad, call someone, the Samaritans are great for listening to you. They will have numbers for more relevant people who cna help you RIGHT NOW.

Next, the inability to stop at night together with the inability to start again in the mornings are classic signs of depression. THis is treatable. It is something that can be dealt with and something you can work at to make your life a little better every single day. You don't have to feel you are going down, you can feel you are going up. Trust me, the day you realise that today was just a little better than yesterday will be an amasing revelation for you and will give you strength to go on fighting and working to make tomorrow a little better than that! You can get help with this through your GP or even your health visitor. Tell them the truth, they need to know exactly where you are in you life and your mind in order to get you the best help.

As others have said, your post makes it very clear that you are not a bad mother and that your child loves and wants you. You are doing things right, even if it doesn;t feel like it at the moment. The fact that your child is going to school comes as a shock to many mothers, it is not unusual to find this hard and as it has come at a time when your life is changing in other ways it must be even harder. You will get used to your child having a life outsid your home but this takes time, do not feel bad becasue you cannot accept it in one go. It takes time for thses changes to become a part of your life.

I know it is easy to say but you do have to make decisions about what you can manage or cope with and leave the rest. If you are finding the housework too much then decide not to do some things, perhaps forget the ironing or half the number of times you hoover, only wash up once a day (or even less as there is only two of you using plates!) your child will not suffer from having a bit of washing up on the side and he will gain from having a mummy who is less worried about the little things.

Finally, please please do not feel that you have failed, you are at the start and you have made it this far. You can do this and you have to realise that it is not unusual to find it hard. Finding life hard doe snot make you a faliure, it make syou human. Stand up and tell people you need help, let your child see a parent who is fighting to make her own life better, it will give him confidence in you and will teach him so much about how to get through the tough times.

If you have made it this far then I hope that soemthing in there helps in some small way. KCx

Thank you all for your encouragement and support. I honestly didn't think I was clinically depressed - just handling a series of difficult life events rather abysmally. I feel/felt defective - as though everyone else has a grip on things and I really don't. I didn't realise this could all be part of depression.

I spent a bit of time last night, and some more this morning, looking up depression online (I tick all the symptoms boxes, which surprised me), and gaining a better understanding of what it is and what I can do about it.

I am still feeling wobbly today, though not so bad. And I feel more hopeful - as though there are things I can do about this. I am reluctant to take medication, since I haven't seen it work terribly well for friends, but I intend to find a good therapist, and also do some things to help myself: I'm going to take a long walk to fetch DS from school, over fields, with a relaxation track playing on my iPod! I think I desperately need to learn to relax and stop worrying and to switch my brain off a bit: all this prevents restful sleep, which simply feeds into the cycle. So today's plan is relaxation, plus some long-distance calls to friends and family tonight when DS is in bed.

Feelings of inadequacy, uselessness, failure, ineptness, guilt, shame - I could go on - lurk very near to the surface for me. They need looking at. But first, today, some rare wind-down time.

Thanks for saying lovely things about my parenting. I do love DS to bits - I tell him every day. He hates me leaving when I drop him off at school. He says he never, ever wants to leave home and will live with me forever! I know he loves me - maybe too much? - but I feel he deserves better from me. I can't go losing my temper several times a day, crying, crawling off into bed - that's just awful as far as parenting goes. My dad had an explosive temper when I grew up, and - surprise! - I have it too, and I hated living with it; treading on eggshells. Dad used to hit us and really shout, which I do not do, but I do seethe, scowl menacingly and slam doors. It is not a pretty sight, and must be grim for DS. And I didn't realise anger and irritability could be a symptom of depression, but they can: in fact, all my ugly feelings and behaviours of late fit very nicely under this heading, so at least I know what I'm dealing with now. It wouldn't have occurred to me, had I not posted and you not replied, so a BIG thank you.

I am glad to hear you are feeling more positive. I think that taking steps to help yourself as you mentioned is an excellent idea. Personally I would still talk to the GP they do not just prescribe drugs for this, although it is often the first thing looked at, you can explain your reluctance and ask to look at other avanues. Remember though that they (ADs) have worked very well for other people - even if they are not the people you know. Rather than right them off could you see them as your "fall back position" to give you more routes and options to turn to should you need them?

It sounds like you have taken an excellent first step and I wish you the best of luck now and in the future. KCx

MistakeID. I had similar feelings last year about 'disappearing' myself because I thought dh and ds would be better without me. I knew I was depressed, because I have been before, so I booked in for therapy because in the past that has worked really well for me. I didn't want to go on ADs again but believe I would have done if the therapy hadn't worked and I would urge you not to rule out ADs altogether.

If you are finding yourself unable to turn your mind off to hurtful past events and the negative ideas about yourself that may flow from that(as I was) can I recommend a little audiobook from Itunes called "Living A Life of Inner Peace" by Eckhart Tolle. I came across this quite by accident but it saved my sanity to some degree. It introduced me to the concept of 'mindfulness' which is all about being focussed only on the present moment and not wasting energy on thoughts of the past and the future. The audiobook is 2 hours long and costs #3.95 and it's always on my ipod if I need a reminder.

Best of luck.

Hi Mistaken, Glad to hear you sounding much more positive, and that you're able to see that you have options for dealing with this.

One good reason for going to the GP, even if you don't want to take ADs, is that you should get them to check for underlying physical things as well. For example, thyroid problems and anaemia (sp?) can cause or exacerbate symptoms of depression. Good luck.