Feeling stuck, trapped and fed up... With no reason to...

[Paranoid1stTimer]

My LO is 9 months old and I love him with all my heart and soul. Thing is, I have no support apart from OP and I think he is falling out of love with me. He works all the time as we are skint and have to pay mortgage cos our house won't sell. I have been getting gradually shunned by the people I thought would always be there for me. They have their lives to get on with and I am now SAHM so seem to spend too much time dwelling on negative thoughts. I have hardly left the house due to the freezing weather and can not even be bothered to put on any make up/do my hair or anything. I went all out last week and got my face on etc for OP coming home from work and he didnt even notice - or if he did he didnt comment. When I try to talk to him he says he is tired - which I can understand as he works hard and I always tell him how thankful I am that he is looking after us.

Also, his family have never really liked me. His mum had a major problem with me breastfeeding and hardly spoke to me after LO was born and recently she has been moaning about how I isolated myself by breastfeeding meaning no one else was allowed to bond with the baby... I expressed so OP could feed him too and MIL also fed him EBM once and she looked disgusted about having to hold the bottle cos it was my milk that was in it. She also says she couldnt help me because I chose to breast feed?!?!? Anyway, that is a whole other problem.

I actually dont know why I am posting this - I think I need to vent as I have no one to talk to at the moment and feel really isolated and stuck. I never have anything to say these days and think I am so boring that no one wants to talk to me now. I have lost touch with so many people and I really feel now that it is me that is the problem. One of OP's friends wives was telling me that I dont get out enough and that I should be taking DS to playgroup that her friends go to. She is a real busy body and I have taken DS to soft play with a friend of mine but the friends wife thinks this is not good enough and says she will ask her friends to get a place at the playgroup for DS even though I said I think he is still too little as he can't crawl or walk yet.

Sorry - this sounds really self indulgent and pathetic. I dont even know what I am doing posting this. Please give me some advice or maybe even tell me to get a grip if I am being completely pathetic...

First of all you are not being pathetic at all.

I am a SAHM and it is truly hard. I think the key is to get yourselves some other SAHMums to hang out with, even if it is just one afternoon a week.

Your HV should be able to recommend a local playgroup where you can stay with your DS and have a chat and a coffee.

I bet your OP is not 'fallinf out of love' with you at all - I think you are falling out of love with yourself! It is REALLY hard to stay home all the time with a wee baby. The adjustments to your life ar e huge.

You say thank you to your partner all the time but please rememeber that although he is doing a great and tiring job of financially supporting you - YOU are doing a great and REALLY hard job and VERY IMPORTANT job in bringing up his son. I think the fact you stuck at BF is amazing, and your MIL is an old boot!!

So you deserve thanks for doing your bit - you are a team!

I think you need to build up your confidence and realise how important you are in your family. Other SAHMums know what you are going through.

I felt the same, it was horrible.

But now I have other mum chums who all boost me when I am down.

I hope this is of some help!
xx

Hi Hambo.

Thanks so much for replying so quickly and with such kindness. I think you are right. I really don't like myself very much just now. I never really thought of it like that but what you said really struck a chord with me then. I really will have to get out there and meet some others in the same position. I have had quite a few opportunities to meet new mums but chickened out as I am really shy. I went to a baby massage class but never really clicked with anyone. I am new to the area and a lot of the mums already new each other so tended to stick together in 2's or 3's.

Sometimes it feels like when you are desperate for friends and a bit down, that is when you are least likely to meet anyone. It makes me feel bad for people I didn't bother with when I was younger cos when I had lots of friends, I never really thought about making time for new people.

Thanks for your post. You really helped.

Hello

It is scary going to places knowing that the ultimate aim is for you to make a friend - I was really really nervous....The thing that got me going to groups etc was the thought that I would not be the only one looking to make friends....

I wish you lots of luck...Really truly I went through the same thing myself.

Having a baby is so hard, there are so many areas of your life which change.

I wish you lots of GOOD LUCK!

(PS my dad always told me that when you feel shy and lack confidence just stand up straighter, push your shoulders back and people will think you are more confident, even if you are feeling like a jelly. Sometimes perceptions are half the battle)

GOOD LUCK!

Shot in the dark - but are you weaning off the boob by any chance?

I only ask beause I've always gone through a really dark time around 8/9 months - and also when I've given up breastfeeding. I suspect it's like your pregnancy hormones that have kept you going through the amazing achievement of growing a person suddenly go away, and you come crashing back to earth.

Sounds hard.

I've bottled it twice and gone back to work 'for a break' from 11 months in each case. It helped me - because I was at the stage that if I had to wipe down the highchair one more time either it or me were going out the window .

Just checking in to put this on my threads I'm on. Will post later, after the school run.

Gaah! School! Why doesn't MN have a warning message that flashes up at 2.30 "Mums of school age children are recommended to log off now" ?

Thanks for all the replies. I really thought this post would disappear to the bottom of the bundle. It always feels like there are people with real problems and I was too embarrassed to post anything but today I just needed it.

I gave up breast feeding a couple of months back and that was really tough hormones wise! I think I am just having a bad patch. Prob cos I've been stuck indoors cos of the weather and OP gone back to work...

Paranoid, I just wanted to add my sympathy and tell you that I went though many of the feelings you are experiencing.

I felt really alone when my first child was a baby. Desperately alone. I wasn't living in my own country (me and dh are Italian and lived in the UK for 8 yrs) and the few people I knew back then when ds was a baby didn't have children.
I missed my family and, most of all, my friends back in Italy.

I was in a desperate need of friends, but at the same time I didn't enjoy baby/toddlers groups (possibly because I secretly longed for a bit of time with other adults but no children around ).

What helped me going through my day was trying to go out as often as possible. Luckily ds settled very well in his buggy and with ds asleep I spent many jolly hours browsing in my local library or in Waterstone!

I also preferred taking my dc to baby gym clubs rather than to toddlers groups, and then - at last - a friend of mine had a baby and I finally got to spend time with someone whose friendship meant really something to me.

Would it be possible for you to find a bit of time for yourself? Maybe join one of those classes like pottery or whatever you are interested in? It might be easier making friends with people you share an interest with? (I know, I know, at toddlers groups we do share the same interest, but I did find the whole thing a bit overwhelming...)

I really would like to wish you luck, and stick to MN, it is a good place when you feel alone. And your MIL sounds horrible!

Thank you francagoestohollywood... You make a good point as well there.. I think I am losing my own identity. No one really comes to see me any more - they come to see LO and openly admit it (which is absolutely understandable as I know I have lavished attention on people's babies in the past without thinking Mum might need some attention too). I love yoga but have not really made time for it since LO was born. We were going to go to baby yoga classes but the nearest class was on the other side of the city so would take longer to get there than the actual class time! I would like to go back to yoga myself... Maybe I should do that once a week. It's only an hour a week but it would be great.

Glad you got through it all. I don't like mums n tots groups either. There seemed to be a lot of competitiveness in the ones I have been to even though LO is only 9 months!!!

Also, we are meant to be emigrating this year (was meant to be 1 year ago but I got pregnant so we stayed and now we are really struggling due to "credit crunch" and can't sell house) so I am a bit worried about feeling even worse when we finally leave the country. How long did it take you to settle in the UK?

Thanks for your replies x

Poor ypu Paranoid.
God your MIL sounds evil. Give her a boot up the arse from me.
I don't think anyone feels great at this time of year anyway but home all day alnoe with a baby is bloody hard and lonely.

What helped me was walking and swimming (with the bany). Also trips to the gym 9without). Exercise really helps with a low mood. Persevere with a baby group.It doesn't matter if you don't become bosom pals with anyone else.Often having a reason to get up and leave the house is enough.

Hang in there. Also MN is a great source of comfort.Saved my sanity alone in a foreign country with two small children and dh working all hours.

Oh I hated being a SAHM for the first 2 or so years!! It is deeply isolating to have a LO particularly if none of your close friends have one. I found the NCT quite useful as a point of contact but prepare yourself for some seriously competitive mummies (if my experience was anything to go by) but I also made some great friends too. Don't write off playgroups- I go to one all the time even though I hate it because I hope that one day a lovely new Mum will walk through the door and we'll click.

We moved to the middle of no-where about 3 yrs ago and I have never felt so alone or far away from everyone I loved but you can use your kids to combat that as they allow you to meet new people. You should get some time to yourself if you can. Remember that other people have been through this and you are not alone. My two are now 2 and nearly 5 and I have been through the worst from an isolation point of view and am now looking forward to going back to work and having my own life again. But it has been a long 5 yrs

Keep your chin up x

Paranoid, I think going back to your yoga class could be a great idea. And, like moondog suggested, swimming with baby is very popular too. Like baby gym classes, it is something you do WITH your baby and it gives you an opportunity to exchange a few words with other adults too!

It took me years to settle in the UK. I left Italy thinking I'd have loved living there, but it took me ages to get used to it. I moved there to follow my dh (then boyfriend) and left a big city (Milan), where I had always lived and had a fun job and an active social life. We were living in a small city, which for me was hard to get used to, as I'm a big city person. I know it's not popular saying this on MN, but I don't care for the countryside at all (decadent emoticon)

It took me a few yrs to make significant friendships, and guess what? Now that I'm back in Italy I miss my friends in England and so many other English things (including the carrot cake in M&S!)

I'm sorry things are so tough.
I could have written your post - funny how people make you feel guilty about breastfeeding, isn't it? But then if you formula feed you're also criticized.

Parent groups didn't work for me bc I felt that everyone else was on top of everything and I wasn't.

Forget about your MIL - I wouldn't be surprised if her comments were more about her problems relating to people in general (doesn't sound like she's that good at relationships!) rather than her desire to be with her grandchild. There are plenty of other ways to bond with a baby apart from feeding them.

Would you consider going for a daily walk (even just 5 min)...maybe the fresh air will help you feel a bit better about yourself and then you could take things from there?