need some advice about dd please

[Brieflynamechanged]

namechanged obviously as its sensitive. Also wasn't sure whether to put it here or under 'Behaviour'

dd (10) is exceptionally bright, esp at maths. Never gets anything wrong in school tests. But she is very very perfectionist. For instance regularly cries in art lessons if it doesnt go quite right.

Yesterday she misheard a question on a mental maths test and wrote down the wrong answer. First test question shes got wrong since beginning of term. She cried lots in school.

At home she cried some more and I caught her pulling at her hair, making her scalp red. Then last night she said 'mum, I accidentally bit my lip and it made me want to hurt myself.

She has hit herself in the past but I thought it was something that she had resolved. It appears not.

I find this very difficult because I've a history of self harming in the past. Something shes not aware of.

I gave her lots of hugs and we talked about why she was feeling that way. We came to the conclusion that her feelings of embarrassment at crying/'failing' were so big that she didnt know where to put her feelings. I talked about how the feelings do pass if you give them time and even when they are overwhelming they still do pass.

We also talked about how when we feel bad thats the time to be nice to ourselves, that her friends wouldnt say 'oh dd you are feeling bad so lets beat you up!' She giggled at that.

How else can I handle it? I've had a confidential word with her teacher. I want to teach her calming strategies and ways to deal with big emotions in a healthy way. Are there any helpful books aimed at pre-teens?

thanks.

Sorry, sounds like you are having a really tough time, I don't know what you can do as have no experience of this but it's obviously very serious, do you think speaking to your GP might help? I hope someone answers your thread with some advice xxx

It sounds to me like you've handled it beautifully - I wish I could think of some useful books for you. If you can over-come the perfectionism then it sounds like you'll overcome the self-harming; that's what's at the root of the problem. There may be adult self-help books re fear of failure/perfectionism (if that's the right word) that you can adapt to be useful to your DD.

Thanks honeybunmum. I have thought about my gp but I don't want to get dd onto the system unless it looks like something we aren't managing at home and its getting out of control. I'm scared that if I 'officialise' it then thats how dd will always see herself.

Hassled. I think you are right there. I think if she can accept that shes an ordinary human who makes mistakes then she will be an awful lot happier. Good idea about looking up books about overcoming perfectionism.

I'm sorry your DD is having a tough time, my DD is too. She is a perfectionist and has become very distressed by not being the brightest girl in the class.

You could try calling Young minds as they have a confidential parents helpline. You call and give details of situation and a trained professional will call you back to discuss the issue.

I hope this helps

Thats a really good website. Thank You Marmaduke - I think I will give them a call.

No problem, good luck.

Scarlet you beat me to it lol! I was going to post about young minds having found them while trawling the internet for ideas on how to help two other MN members who have posted worried about their kids.

A friend of mine tells me that they do a call back system where they will speak to the child on the phone at a suitable time and although i don't know if this is still the case, from what i have seen they do seem to be very good.

CAMHS is also a good counselling service and i believe is run/something by the local authority, sometimes big waiting lists tho and may have to be referred by the social services, try young minds first, then if no joy try CAMHS.

Good luck xx