Lonley - help

[miaprincessesmummy]

I am a stay at home Mum to a lovely 5 month old but latley I have become quite depressed being at home all the time, I do not have any family support only my husband in the evenings and I only have one freind who I see every other week. I can't keep going like this since I left work I have lost contact with my work friends. I have been trying to find classes I can do with my baby but not driving I am stuck. Any ideas how I can make myself happy again?

Hi I'm new to MN and was just nosing through the current discussions when your post really struck a chord with me. I was in the same position as you last year, no family support exc for DH (who also worked away at a moment's notice) and feeling just like someone's mum rather than the person I used to be. I ended up going back to work part time earlier than planned and although it did make me feel a bit better, I wish I had had longer off now. Do you have any other children or is this your first baby? Is there a soft play or library within walking distance (exercise, endorphins etc) or easy to get to by bus? I found it a relief to speak to other adults. I wish I had discovered MN when I was off though as I'm sure it would have made me feel less isolated. Is there any chance of you starting to drive to give yourself a bit more freedom to get out and about with baby? The biggest tip I can give you for getting over the depression is to talk about it (or type it) so that it isn't festering inside you, whether it be to your friend (who I'm sure would hate to think you were feeling so low), health visitor, GP or to other MN mums. Oh, and the radio used to be on all day and made the house less lonely. I really hope you feel a little less isolated knowing that others understand what you're going through. Remember to just take each day as it comes and things will get easier.

Thank you it is nice to know that others feel this way as well, It was made worse as I felt like a bad mum feeling this way as I thought I was supposed to always be happy now. I am going to learn to drive I think that will really help me.

Thank you it is nice to know that others feel this way as well, It was made worse as I felt like a bad mum feeling this way as I thought I was supposed to always be happy now. I am going to learn to drive I think that will really help me.

Have you made any contact with other mum's. ask your health visitor about post natal group. mum's and tot's etc. I know it is hard. DS is 2 now and I still hate going to these things. good luck x

As a new mum who used to work full-time I used to feel the same. I was fortunate enough to have attended a National Childbirth Trust ante-natal group and that made a huge difference- we used to meet regularly once a week - usually on a Friday afternoon,taking it in turns at each other's houses. We just supplied tea,coffee and biscuits/cakes. I made some wonderful lasting friends some of whom I still see regularly today and DS1 is now nearly 8! Look up the NCT on the internet and speak to someone who will help you find your nearest group. It won't matter if you didn't attend classes - the members are always so friendly and often arrange teaparties/fund raising events and meet ups for new parents. Also try tumble tots (from crawling) swimming lessons, sign language classes, baby massage classes. All or any of these are ideal for meeting Mums like yourself - they are probably feeling lonely too and wouldrelish the chance to chat!

I rarely post on here (just lurk and enjoy disputes/seek wisdom!), but this struck a chord with me too.

I relied on a once-weekly visit to an existing friend for first five months with my first baby and occasional lunch meets with work colleagues.

It was only at the five month mark that I felt organised enough to consider trying to brave toddler groups at church halls etc etc. I felt I had left it too late and that all the NCT type cliques would have been formed. Instead I met a similar group of women who were just venturing out and who have - two years on - become the closest friends I have ever had.

The driving was important to a friend in a similar location to yourself (I was central to all activities so that wasn't a prob for me) so do try and fit lessons in on weekends.

Will also look out for you on here and enjoy chatting.

Should also add that once I had made all those friends I felt able to act on a growing wish to leave work and spend some years as a stay at home mum - something I never imagined I would want to do pre-children and something I would have struggled to do without plenty of people to see on an individual or group basis most weekdays. To have done five months being fairly isolated and to sound so positive about being a mummy says a lot about what a great mother you must be!

I know just how you feel, MiaPM, I felt like I didn't deserve to be a mum for feeling so unhappy. I hadn't realised NCT were so welcoming even to those who didn't attend classes as MM and EB mentioned above, so when I have #2 (positive thinking, hopefully sooner than later), I'll be looking to do the same. Another thing to bear in mind is that soon your baby will really start getting her own personality and interacting more and more. I was back at work today for first time since xmas hols and when DD toddled in door with DH, I have never been so happy to see her. This time last year, I felt like I'd never smile again and thought I was the world's worst mum for not instantly having the kind of bond you see on TV. You're doing a fantastic job raising a baby without the kind of family/friend network some people are lucky enough to have so make sure you give yourself credit for that

miaprincess, could you perhaps get a mini-cab to places, just until you have learnt to drive (learning to drive takes a while!). Getting a cab a few times a week is cheaper than running a car anyway. If it means you being less lonely and a happier mum, it's worth it.

Thank you for all your reply's. I did go to NCT class but all the other couples live quite far and where all alot older and not interested in making friends with me which was a real shame as that is why I went. You all mention groups, what type of groups would you be able to go to with a 5 month old? Just not sure what I should be looking for. Thanks again for all your support it is nice to know there is people out there willing to talk.

Hi. Please don't feel like a bad mum, you are doing just great! Anyone would be lonely only seeing one friend every other week, you have such a lot of time to fill. I'd suggest music groups for a 5 month old, if you don't mind singing yourself. Some local libraries run 'baby bounce and rhyme'/'rhymetimes' for free, or there's groups you can pay for. (We go to music bugs which my ds loves! www.musicbugs.co.uk). I'd suggest you join the local page for your area on mumsnet, then ask mums there what's available local to you and what they recommend. I found groups good for giving a structure to the week but not all of them are so easy to meet new people at (because you're all busy doing something then people go home!) How about a local NCT open house? They're drop-ins with coffee so more chance to chat!

Hi MiaPrincess, hope you're doing ok today I was in the same boat as you when I went to my ante-natal class. At 26 I was the youngest mum there and found the other mums only wanted to attend to get the information and that was it. They seemed to have a large enough social group thank you very much! I went instead to a music group, like DoraJo suggests and even at 4-5 months, my DD loved it. I also went to a local church toddler group, which was completely free and they were welcoming to all, including those who weren't from their church, like me. I went to a swimming pool when DD was little as well, which she adored and I actually really miss being back to work full-time.

Once you get going to these groups I'm sure you'll meet other mums and you'll be able to meet up for a coffee. I live in Morpeth, Northumberland and there's a v mum/baby friendly coffee shop there where everyone goes to meet up.

Can I ask, does your DH know how you feel? Are you able to talk to anyone about this? You know there are so many mums on MN who completely empathise with you and will try and support you.

I am looking into anything to meet people at the minute so I will def look into all suggestions. I am quite shy do you think that people will want to chat if I try and make conversation?

Sorry, DH is sprawled across bed snoring and putting me off!

Re coffee shop in my last post - I meant to suggest finding out if there's anywhere local that mums and babies tend to go unofficially just to take 5 and chill a bit over coffee (I wasn't just telling the world that there's a coffee shop where I live!!!)

lol I will look into that I haven't heard of one but I guess there must be something like that.

lol I will look into that I haven't heard of one but I guess there must be something like that.

People will definitely want to chat with you - other mums adore adult conversation too and babies are such ice-breakers! Considering that I have to speak confidently to people in all walks of life in my job, I'm surprisingly shy in my personal life so if I can manage, I'm sure you can too

How've you been today? I had a really touching conversation with DH's cousin tonight. She told me that when she eventually becomes a mum, she wants to be as natural and confident with her baby as I am - couldn't help laughing as at the time, DD was screeching like a banshee because she didn't want to have her nappy changed and it was like trying to deal with an octopus - didn't feel very confident or natural at all!

It made me realise how far I've come since this time last year, when I felt unbelievably low and felt like the world's worst mum. Feel so ready for #2 now and hope nature is kind to me this month...

It hope I am a good calm natural Mum in a years time, my husband says I am great but I don't feel it. I am ok today just getting confused about weaning but I am sure it will be ok. I am also looking into some groups today so hopefully will be able to meet some new people soon.

Yesterday I wen't out with my friend and just watched her little boy swim and we chatted is was nice to ahve adult conversation even if it was mostly about children. I am now thinking of trying to find a swim class for my baby as well.

Thanks for all your help and advise it is nice just to have someone that understands.

No problem, any time! I only wish that I'd discovered MN when I was going through it all last year rather than wondering about everything alone.

You've spurred me on to finding toddler swimming at the weekends actually. DD loved swimming so much but I work when the nearest one is on. Surely there'll be a pool nearby that does kids swimming, away from the big kids though. Our leisure centre got hit by the floods earlier this year so is out of action for ages yet unfortunately.

I'm glad your DH sounds supportive, by the way. You've just got to start believing it (try really hard!) when he says you're a good mum - you're keeping your baby happy and healthy without the support networks that many people have, so you need an even bigger gold star than most (I think I'll give myself one while I'm at it for the same reason)!

DH has just come up with a load of leftover xmas nibbles he found in the freezer since he was on cooking duty tonight so I'm off to dig in. Diet starts again tomorrow...

What town do you live in? Perhaps we can help you find some things to do. Ask at all the local primary schools and churches if they run any toddler groups, the library usually do something too as do swimming pools and leisure centres. Have you thought about a sing and sign group as well?

I have been looking into all of these options and I ahve found the libery does a thing called Ryhme time on Thursdays so I will go there next week also the church near us has a toddler group but Mia is not a todler so not sure whether that is suitable.

Thank you for your messages.

toddler groups are usually for anyone aged 0-4 ime.

I agree with nappyaddict, toddler groups are usually for babies too. Your little one may not be able to join in a lot just but will probably be fascinated watching all the other babies/toddlers going about their merry way! When my DD started nursery at 5 months, she could only just sit up supported by a big bean bag or cushion but she would sit cackling at the bigger babies as they rolled/crawled around the room and I'm sure it encourages them to try new things, especially as they become more alert.

I bought a basic baby signing book to use with DD and found it very satisfying to be able to communicate with her just by gestures. Her favourite is still "gone", accompanied by a comical puzzled look on her face!

I keep forgetting to ask, you said earlier that you're confused about weaning. Anything we can help with?

well I bought a book the annabel karmel one as Mia is a very big baby she was hungery and I started her on lunch, she didn't do as the book said she dropped her bottle after a week and now I won't to intraduce breakfast but am scared she won't want her bottle and I know she is ment to have at least 3 a day. She has 4 now but don't want her to drop it to quickly like last time.

Go to the library, it will be great. I saw on here once that making friends with others mothers is like dating. I actively pursued one I knew I would get on with!

Dont worry, this is what it is like for lots of us. I braved a NCT class at 5 mths, didnt like it at all and no one spoke to me (I didnt make an effort really). Like lots of others my job entailed speaking to everyone and anyone one but in my personal life I'm not the best with small talk.

I now have a fab little 14 mth old who keeps me entertained with her neverending learning and fabulousness and go to an NCT coffee morning on Mon, library Tue and a playgroup I volunteer at Friday. I know loads of mothers at all of them and now keep Wed and Thurs empty so I can organise play with people if I want or it just be me and dd. This only started when dd was 6 mths old and I realised that if I didnt make an effort then I would have no friends.

At the library, force yourself to chat to a few mums, ask what groups they go to and check those out too. You wont like them all but you will find a couple you do. Persistance is key.

Learning to drive would be really good for you if you live in the country and give you a sense of freedom to go where you want to.

I never did an NCT class as I couldnt get on one, and for a while all I heard was 'My NCT friends' I thought I'd never have any friends but you sound lovely, so dont worry you will.

Good luck. x