Can't forgive myself for things

[Gnas]

I find it impossible to fogive myself for mistakes that I make.

For example three years ago when I was out with a couple of friends I used a racist term. It's not one I ever use or approve of and I loath any kind of discrimination so was totally appalled at myself. Three years on it is still hauting me and I feel totally disgusted at myself for saying such an awful word and for contributing to such a terrible discourse. I feel anxious and sick and a lot of self hatred.

I am like this with anything in my life that I get wrong. I just can't forgive myself and I think it has a negative impact on my health and I suffer from high levels of anxiety.

Be your own friend. I'm sure you would forgive those close to you for the same things you have done.
It has all lead to something positive too, as you now are more determined to be a better person for it.
It does sound like you are being very hard on yourself indeed.
Have you had any counselling at all?

This rings a strong bell with me.

the amount these things prey on my mind depends on how things are going in my life generally.

do you find they stay with you whatever the circumstances?

treat yourself the way you would a close friend.

I can be irrationally harsh on myself, and I find making myself consider how I would react to my friend behaving in that way, then making myself react like that, to be the best way.

I remember in the peak of my depression, torturing myself with something I did when I was six. I watched a little girl with special needs get the blame for something she didn't do, and I didn't speak up against the other children.

Awful, huh?/

I have tortured myself for 22 years with that. It's time to let it go.

They do come and go. Sometimes I just block them all out of my mind and other times they feel really overwhelming. I think I believe that deep down I am not really a good person.

I have had some therapy after an abusive relationship I was in - another thing I struggle to forgive myself for. I always feel like I need someone else to forgive me - I would like to be able to do it myself though as I am just torturing myself.

The friend idea is a good one. As for the incident when you were six. Well you were six! You were just a wee girl! I think lots of adults would be scared to speak up for someone in a situation like that never mind a little girl.

And three years ago you used a racist term and now you are sorry. And that is IT.

I think you are fixating on this because it scares you that you 'lost control' of your own behavior. Well, sometimes people do.

When I was 15, my two best friends got jealous of my boyfriend (he was a bit hot, and my Bfs sister fancied him) and called me a slag at a party. I forgave them (after a few months of their genuine tears and grovelling) and you should forgive yourslef.

I know that even as you read this you are thinking of excuses as to why this is different, more unforgivabl;e, but it's not. I've never even met you and I've forgiven you. You should forgive yourself, and love yourself. You are lovable.

I used to be like this when younger - but once I ended up with full-blown OCD and did some reading around the topic - things fell into place. I used to think that I felt so bad about myself because I was a bad person - rather than because I was unwell and had crashingly low self-esteem. BTW not saying that torturing yourself with minor past transgressions is OCD - but it can be part and parcel of any sort of anxiety problem.

I think Colditz advice about the "close friend" is excellent - and is one of the things a clin psych suggested to me!

Thank you - you have given me a bit of perspective which is always helpful. Sometimes when things are just in my head they taken on a life of their own if you know what I mean.

It is so true about thinking that somehow it is 'different' with me. I definitly struggle with that mindset.

My self esteem is just awful and I know I need to do something about it. I am just not sure what!

I guess you have high personal standards and are sensitive so don't be too hard on yourself
but, going over mistakes gets you fixated in the past and then you can miss new problems that need dealing with
also thinking about a problem is good but if you are stressed and anxious its diff to move on from it and the thoughts stress you in themselves and becomes a cycle
try to reduce the stresses and responsibility in your life by having a reliable kind confidante to talk things thru with esp a person quite down to earth and practical
also could you be depressed as getting bogged down with things is one symptom
if this has got worse recently think about anxieties that could be triggering it
if its interfering with your life and decisions cognitive behavioural therapy may help