Feel like worst mother in world...advice please

[servalanempressoftheuniverse]

I just can't stop shouting and snapping. My ds's are 5 and 20 months and I am finding I tend to shout most at my poor old 5 yo as of course the little one can't understand. He is a bit of a pain in the neck as all 5yos are but I know I'm not helping and may just reinforce the bad behaviour.

I feel on the point of exploding after a while, I think I'm controlling it then something will happen like ds1 ignoring what I say yet again or letting out one of his famous 'war cries' and I just lose it suddenly, like a gasket blowing.

I do apologise when I am really out of order with ds1. But what kind of model is this for my sons- a barely if ever in control woman struggling to keep herself sane? I so wish to be better for them.

Sometimes I get so angry and miserable when looking after them (always alone- I'm separated as per below) that I punch walls or slam doors, sometimes (god I'm ashamed of myself) I've done that in hearing of the 20 month old. Once (please don't hate me, I know it was shit) I repeatedly slammed a door while hissing swear words and insults to myself while he was in the room (he'd been screaming inconsolably for 45 minutes).

I do suffer from quite severe depression and hormonal issues which is why I'm posting this under mental health. I am separated from the boys' father and although he does about 45% of the childcare (I also work and we have a nanny 4 days pw) I find being left alone with the boys and the adjustment this takes extremely difficult. Especially hard are the weekends when I feel we are all stuck together and I get scared of my own feelings and how shit a mother I am.

Does anyone else feel this or am I just a total freak? What help can I get? GP just pumps me full of drugs....

ask your GP for a referral to a psychiatrist.
I know that probably sounds scary, but then, maybe the alternative (doing nothing) is scary too?
IME psychiatrists are better at prescribing the correct drugs for you, as well as giving you the opportunity to figure out WHY you feel the way you do and working thrtough it.

you shouldn't just be pumped full of drugs, but please don't think that they can't be a useful tool to help you out of where you are right now.

you aren't the worst mum in the world either. if you were you wouldn't care enough to even post here

I'm taking all the drugs, 40mg citalopram plus an antipsychotic (god really must be a loon eh )

I do see a psychiatrist, he is nice and supportive but I don't think he knows what to do with me either. Has diagnosed me with cyclothymic mood disorder and puts a lot of it down to my own emotionally abusive childhood. (Am staying with parents atm, might be why I am feeling particularly bad...family christmas from hell lol)

I am wondering if I should tell ex h I should spend less time with the children for their own sake.

I do care for them, I really do, but I know I'm not coping well.

Feel better when I can cry, but you can't cry in front of children can you? I usually can't get tears out and that is often when the shouting starts.

awww, well you know it's good that you are doing something to try and sort it out.
have you been offered other forms of counselling? CBT or anything like that?

or perhaps a different psychiatrist? sometimes these things are a bit hit and miss and you just need to find the right person to work with you

CBT sounds a good bet but haven't been offered it yet. Have seen NHS psychiatrist and a private one too as wasn't happy with NHS.

I think I am going to have to have a talk in the new year with xH and perhaps talk about getting me an au pair or something for general support. One of my big fears is being left alone to cope when i feel I'm not.

that sounds like a good idea (about the au pair)
you should ask your psych about CBT and stuff and see if he thinks it'd help... you clearly can't go on like this, so something needs to change.

also maybe try thinking up some coping strategies for when you're at home with the kids?
when you feel yourself getting stressed it is ok to go and lock yourself in the bathroom for 5 minutes for example!
try and remind yourself that they're fab kids and that they can't always help how they're behaving (esp with the being loud!)

I have made pacts in the past with ds1 who is almost 4 to do things like not shouting. so I remind him when he is being uber loud that we don't shout too much, and if I shout, he reminds me! it doesn't always work, but it does help me to calm down sometimes

maybe if there are particular things the kids do that wind you up or you're having trouble dealing with you could start a thread about it in behaviour or something? people are bound to be able to give you some different approaches of viewpoints to take, which may help?

Just to say that sometimes crying in front of the children, although upsetting for them can be better than shouting. If they know that you are crying because you are sad, not because they have done something wrong, they can give you a lot of support! And then you feel better, and can be an caring responsible adult again almost immediately. I know that sounds odd, but it helped me sometimes bond with the children when things were very bad. I remember actually hiding in the kitchen from my three children aged 5 & 2x 3 because I felt frightened of being alone with them. I always felt better after crying and freer to deal with misbehaviour issues, and I sometimes realized when I'd stopped crying that whatever I was cross about was my issue not theirs, and adjust my behaviour accordingly. I don't mean cry all the time or rant tearfully at them, just weeping when things are unbearable, and hug the children close and smile through tears at them when it happens. They won't respectless or feel less safe.

Well done you for having the courage to share and ask for advice. An abusive childhood can leave lots of scars which can unfortunatly, left unmanaged, be passed down to our children. It sounds like you are having a really rough time and i can only imagine that your rage is from old emotional wounds and that your children just happen to be a catalyst of your old origional pain. While showing sadness instead of rage to your children may somewwhat be less scary for them ( and maybe more real) i would be cautious as they may feel they need to rescue and comfort you as ther mother. However they are only children and this is not the childs role in the long run.
One of your options is pychotherapy ( and not CBT ) but therapy where you have room to explore your own painful history and become empowered and more aware that you have choice. Also, you could get psychotherapy for your children also, where they may have room to explore their own pain. It also sounds like it may help to gather together some support systems, friends, relatives ( anyones you can trust - you may need to look hard to see if there is anyone), anyone that can support you when you need it. Social isolation for you i would imagine , makes your difficulties worse. Is there any local groups for mothers and children you could go to, or support groups for single parents, or any group ( hobby ) that you could go to once a week to meet people. All these things may help.
Have you discussed your difficulties you are having with your psychiatrist in the way you have here? Do not be afraid to really ask for the help you need. You are more than your current behavior and deserve all the help you can get. Your children also deserve to have a healthy mother who can help them to feel safe. It starts with you, they cant change your behavior or be responsible for it but you can, so, take a deep breath and go get em !!!!!
Wihing you and your children the very best of luck and best wishes

Human beings cry when they are sad. ALthough children do need to feel that their mother is their rock, even a rock may cry. Children never learn quite the lesson you want them to. By not crying, all you will teach them is not to cry.