Running out of patience....DP with depression - how do you cope?

[cheerytinselcherry]

DP has been suffering for most of the year, has been on ADs for months, he swings from hyper to moody to self absorbed to 'sorry'. Have felt unwell myself for a month, me and DCs have had one virus after another, have no energy to pity DP any more. Am quite frankly sick of it all, think I want some sympathy of my own , am so exhausted by running the whole show whilst putting a front on for the world.
How do you all cope?
At the moment I want to give up and ask him to go away for a while...feel I need a break from him and his confused misery...where has my empathy gone? He wouldn't go even if I asked, has noone he could go and hide with, and would feel even worse about himself if I even mentioned it.
What is the way forward? Its too hard...
Thanks for listening.

Bumping for you in the hope someone more helpful will come along.

Not sure if there is a way forward, it is the other way round her,I have had depression for 2 years, and there is no end in sight at the moment. I hope I don't keep on, Maybe you could explain that it is draining to you. DP gives me space, I would like to sleep more, but life is just to hectic. I try to get early nights, and I should eat better and get more exercise, my downful I know.

Hope that is some help, space, sleep exercies and good food . x

Thank you Eve,sorry to hear you are not too good. We do eat well, though too much but sleep is on and off, hardly any exercise cos too busy/ knackered/ ill at the moment.
Sorry this is a miserable post.

I'm a veteran of this one, ctc, and it is HARD. For what it's worth, my advice is:

• hope that this will be over soon, but plan for it to be long-term. You have to work out a survival strategy that will sustain you over coming months and maybe years.

• you need to get yourself support and sustenance, and accept that your dp is not in a position to give it to you right now. Do you have any friends and family that can be your sounding board, support system and rock?

• you may have to ration the support you give to your dp. I hate to say this, because depression is a horrible condition and it's not his fault, but you have to make sure you have enough emotional energy to keep you and your kids going, even if that means cutting back on what you give to him. This will, unfortunately, have some impact on your emotional closeness and your relationship overall. That is one of the costs of depression. But better than getting burnt out and breaking up.

• help your dp make all the changes he needs to make - not just ADs, but counselling, support from friends, exercise, good food, whatever. But don't try to be superwoman: accept that his wellbeing is his responsibility, and you cannot save him singlehanded. What you can do, and should do, is keep yourself and your children going and give him whatever support you reasonably can once that is taken care of.

There is a book called Living with the Black Dog by Caroline Carr. You may find it useful.

So sorry you are in this situation. It is so hard, I know. Best of luck to you.

hester, that is such a kind posting it made me cry, thanks for your support. I don't feel I can burden my friends as they all have their own issues going on, my family are lovely but far away, aging and would only worry rather than be able to help. Have hinted for help from MIL but she is great at burying her head, plus would only aggravate if she got involved. Suppose cos am full of cold/sinusitis, makes my energy levels worse than ever, just feels relentless. How have you managed so long? Where do you get the strength?

Need to get some sleep now, but if anyone else can help, would be much appreciated. Thanks.

Hi Cheery - you've got it tough - I know what you mean. I have had useful help from Rethink who assigned me a worker who met with me a few times when i really, really needed someone to talk to who knew what I was going on about. They have offered me carers' gropus but I never felt that was what I needed - however, it might be a route to a network for you?

To be brutally honest, I have talked to a lot of people about what was going on with dh. This might well seem disloyal, but I found it impossible to cope without some practical physical and mental help from people. You may feel you can't do this. I worry that you feel your friends won't be able to help you - maybe give them a chance?

I'd agree that being ill yourself makes things nearly unmanageable. I hope you feel better soon - also your dh.

Does your dh have a psychiatrist he sees? Dh's is a complete gem and an important part of the team for us.

Hi I was supposed to be going to bed! He has ended his sessions with his counsellor as he felt he was getting better, I may use that contact you offered, thankyou. Dont want to bother my friends, even though they would be great listeners. I did talk to a couple of pals in the early days, but have fobbed them off that things are ok now as I didnt want to bore them away!
Am hoping when I feel better, I will cope better. Thank you.

Am def off to bed now!
Thankyou
xxx

Just quickly before I go to bed -
I could have written your op 18 months ago. At the moment the best thing I can suggest is to talk to people, about you. It's so bloody hard when your dh's illness takes over everything. I can identify with how you are feeling but I made the mistake of keeping it all in until it really did get too much for me and I had a complete meltdown. It was only after I started to sort myself out that I admitted how much I was struggling.
Definately seek help from support groups, helplines etc. Don't be afraid to talk to your family, although it's hard when you think people might not understand.

Is your Dp getting the right help for him? The right ad's? You say he has hyper moods too - has his gp discussed mood stabilers?
After months and months of my exh not getting the right level of help from his gp, who wouldn't refer to a psychiatrist we ended up going to A&E to sit it out and wiat to be seen by one. This worked and he is now starting to level off and get the right support.

I have also found, more recently, that some counselling helped me. Even just to vent a little, and to understand why I was feeling resentment and anger (other issues), but this did help.

Will post agin tomorrow but I MUST go to bed now [eye bags]
Keep hopefull, you've done a great thing and will get tons of support on here

Misscathcart, thank you for that, and happy new year!
He has seen GP to discuss hyper behaviour, she just said thats why ADs are called happy pills... She has reduced his dose a little but I think it has made him less stable, its all such a pallaver and feels like he is always at the doctors moaning about some ailment or other!
Cant imagine going through this for another 18 months, just this week together has been so stressful and quite unbearable at times, the number of times I have had to bite my tongue, or walk away cos I know he is deliberately pushing me to the limit.
He is so unhappy and mixed up for must of the time, not the chilled out, funny man I so much prefer. There has been no further offer of counselling, no referals, it all just seems relentless. How can I bore my freinds with all this when I bore myself just writing this!! I do secretly fear it will all get too much for me, am so worn out by it all, together with 3 DCs and numerous pets plus nearly full time job.
God listen to me moaning on.
Thanks for being there!

No.......ad's should not cause hyper behaviour. I've been on tonnes of different ones ......never caused hyper behaviour for me

They are meant to make you well enough to cope with life, not hype you up. Sounds like wrong ad's to me.........

Hi cheery. Just wanted to acknowledge your post and say how much I understand how you're feeling. I don't have a full-time job, and only one child, but nonetheless found my XP's six-month low at the beginning of 2007 utterly draining (it was in between a couple of manic episodes, which added to the bewilderment factor). For the first couple of months, I was all compassion and sensitivity. After a few months more, I was bloody fed up, TBH. He would lie in on days when we had family stuff planned - and just DS and I would go. He'd still be in bed when people called in on a weekday and I felt awkward explaining this to them. He'd lie in after a looong night's sleep, even if I'd been up in the night with DS. He'd nod off for naps left, right and centre. And I remember him sitting on the back doorstep on the loveliest April day - when the weather was the best it had been that year - with his head in his hands, bemoaning the state of the garden, and the fact that the fence needed fixing. I'd got the bikes out to go for a the first bikeride of the year and was bouncing up and down with enthusiasm - and he was all doom and gloom; his presence was so deflating.

I know he couldn't help it - as can't your husband. But after a while, it is exhausting - even if no one is to blame. You are carrying the responsibility for keeping yourself happy and in a good place, unsupported, and buoying up three children - because he can't contribute to this; he is like a counterweight to all your efforts at cheeriness. Because XP couldn't mirror my enthusiasm for anything, or be jolly around DS, I felt I had to be doubly cheerful. It is exhausting.

Anyway, I'm rambling here - I just wanted to say I can relate to how you are feeling. You have legitimate compassion fatigue. I thought hester had some great tips - I hope they help. And it does sound as though your husband's GP could be being more helpful and thorough.

Sending good luck and a knowing hug.

T x

I am also in a very similar situation to you. I have invested all my love, support and energy into my DH's depression to the point that I have nothing left. He doesn't see a therapist anymore because he decided he was better I got to the point where I felt I couldn't go on anymore and with the support of a couple of friends who had had similar experiences, I went to see my doctor and am seeing him regularly (just trying St John's Wort at the moment) with a view to getting me some help. It is not something you can do on your own, I know you don't want to burden your friends but they would be sad to think you couldn't go to them when you needed help. Don't underestimate the damage your husband's condition is having on you, you can't be superwoman. My DH doesn't see anything happening around him to other people, he is so wrapped up in self interest that he wouldn't see me crumbling as a result of his problems. It's really hard but if you can get yourself feeling better it will rub off on your DH and may help him, you will also regain your empathy that you have lost as a result of feeling so drained and uncared for. If you can talk to him, tell him really bluntly what is happening to you and tell him you are not going to be in a position to help him if you have been dragged down as well. I really resent my DH at the moment, he has gone up the continuous roller coaster again, and I feel like I fell off at the bottom so for now I come first! I also have 3 DC and a greyhound, we don't have time for a breakdown!!! Also feeling unwell would have compounded all the problems, it did for me. I got no help or sympathy, he just sulked like a toddler the whole time because I was no fun! Sorry I turned your thread into my need to rant. (((hugs)))

twoddle thanks for that, is your Dp more stable now?
honey, thanks for discussing this with me, its good for me to hear others are in the same boat (even though obv its not a good thing...)
Today has been more bearable but we have had halpful family over which eases things a bit.
Argh!!!!!!!!!!!

Glad to hear things have been a bit better today, hopefully even if you can't confide in your friends, you will find support from fellow mumsnetters as I have. It does help.