I need some support with alcoholic family

[LaTurkey]

Hi,

Some reading this message may remember I posted a little while ago. I've lost the thread you directed me to. Sorry.

The situation is:

My mother died of alcoholic liver disease in October. We were close, despite strains on the relationship that you can imagine if you've had this sort of experience.

My brother is also an alcoholic, together with some other mental health complications. He has been falling on and off the wagon for years. He has stayed for long periods with our dad and for shorter periods with my husband and I. Nothing we have done has helped at all. He is close to losing his job and is deperate not to.

We are not close at all, and never have been. He was a very violent teenager. He is an older brother so these are really the memories I have of him.

Two weeks ago, he was found unconscious in his flat. He had broken his foot, was dead drunk had taken (he swears) an accidental overdose of his psych medecine and was suffering from internal and external bleeding and bruising.

My husband has decided to help him and has befreinded him. He has stayed in my brothers city for two periods of several days over Christmas. He is bringing my brother back to our very small house when he is discharged. I am ambivalent about this, as my husband knows. He has asked me to 'do it for him' and not for my brother.

I have just spoken to my brother about his psychiatric assessment - which he has to have before he leaves hospital. He is angling it toward the 'I want to get out of hospital and sve my job.' I think he should not hide anything and try and get as much help as possible. I know this went like water off a ducks back.

I fully expect him to die of an alcohol related problem. His drinking is far more out of control then my mother's every was.

I'm going to go to my local Al anon meeting as soon as I can - perhaps this Friday. However, I just now feel utterly panic stricken and hysterical about him coming here. I do not feel strong enough to stat all this up again. My mum only died 2 months ago and I did the 'managing the situation' for so long with her - 20 years. I don't feel up to doing it again for someone I hardly know. I feel like escaping.

Please talk me down. All he has to do is stay in our house for a few days until he cna walk and I am dreading it although it has already been promised. I can't help thinking about what will come after aswell though.

Bumping for you. Hopefully someone more helpful than me will come along shortly. Take care.

Of course you want to escape.

Quite a natural reaction!

I am in a similar situation. Lost mum in April to ald and dad is also alcoholic with cirrhosis.

Dad is having occasional drink though not as bad as before diagnosed.

HOWEVER I am on tenterhooks waiting for his liver to pack in again.

In my experience with my mum, she would go to rehab, learn to walk again, get home and drink again.

You can not force them to do something they dont want to.

They are alcoholics, we sometimes love them, though we hate what they do to themselves and us.

Only do what you are physically strong enough to do - do not make YOURSELF ill.

My marriage is suffering from the knock on effect of my parents illness and I was powerless to do any different.

xxx love xxx

That sounds incredibly difficult. Yes, definitely go to an Al-anon meeting where people will have gone through something similar.

I don't think it's your or your husband's responsibility to get your brother back on his feet. I don't actually think anyone can do that except your brother.

My suggestion is to at least have a very clear time limit on how long he stays, eg "he can stay for 3 days even if his foot isn't better".

It's a big ask of your husband - I would probably say "if you feel you need to help him, you can do it in my brother's apartment" and not let him bring your brother to your house. I think janestillhere is right when she says "Only do what you are physically strong enough to do - do not make YOURSELF ill."

Good luck.

Hi La Turkey - was the thread 'Support thread for Partners of Addicts'?? It has been going a year and still going strong, but well worth reading from start to finish because you will not feel alone in your struggle - you will be able to get lots of support and to vent to people who know exactly what you are going through .

Al Anon will be 'back' on Jan 2nd but you can always access them via internet on
alanon.co.uk

Some good advice hear already. My dad was diagnose with cirrhosis of the liver over 15 years ago. We were told he was dying and any other outcome was unlikely. I live in Houston at the time. And all the rest of the family was in Chicago. My mother was in the process of divorcing my dad. I arrived at the hospital to see a creature who looked more like a corpse than a human. He couldn't control his bowels. His eyes were yellow. His hand shook so badly he couldn't sign the legal papers to keep his sister from stealing his inheritance. I was there because my sister called me (on fathers day) to say that she and my brother were buying me a plane ticket to come home and say good-bye to Dad before he died.

15 years later...

Dad quit drinking. Recovered a bit. Started drinking again. Quit again. Stayed quit the second time and his liver has miraculously completely. A medical miracle.

But only he could decide to stop drinking. So I agree with the others who said you can not fix him. He has to fix himself.

If it was me, I'd say my brother could come in. I'd put a limit on the time he could stay. And I'd say there was to be no drinking. If he did drink, I'd kick him out. There is a fine line between helping an alcoholic and enabling him. Sometimes it's hard to know where that line is.

Thanks for your replies.

Yes it was that thread Secret Squirrel. I will go back to it.

Athene - it's good to know a success story. I have absolutely no hope at the moment but that might just be because of mum. I have the utmost admiration for any alcoholic that quites drinking. Well done to your Dad.

Janestillhere - my mum would do the same. She had absolutely no problem not drinking in rehab. As soon as she came out, she was back on it. Four days was the most she went. I'm sorry you lost your mum too. I hope your dad manages to keep his head above water. As I said to Athene, I have a great admiration for anyone who quits.

Dittany - It is exactly the feeling of having to 'do it all again' that is getting to me. I hope your Dad keeps on doing so well

JJ and Dittany - It's a good idea but unfortunately my brother's appartment isn't liveable in at the moment. My husband has been trying to clean it and has given up. It seems that my brother just hasn't cleaned it since he moved in about ten years ago. It's foul. He and my other brother think that he will kill himself if he goes back to that flat before we have it professionally cleaned. We're in the process of finding furniture for it.

I know it is his responsibility and that we can't help. Everything that ommon sense could do has been done. But what are you supposed to do when someone is desperately physically ill. Like this situation, we feel that we just can't walk away. I don't really see that we ever will be in such a position. I'd love to though.

LaTurkey

"Alcoholism is a complex, threefold sickness which is mental, physical & spiritual - it is a disease that cannot be cured, but it can be 'arrested'.

Alcoholics are likely to be sensitive and emotionally immature, excessive in their demands on themselves as well as on others. When they fail to live up to their own standards, they escape from reality by drinking; a compulsion so powerful that not even the threat of death or insanity seems to break it. One drink sets up an uncontrollable craving that only more drinking can appease".

I understand what you are saying about 'wanting to have a nice place for him to live in' but hang on a minute? He needs to start taking some responsibility here - you have to leave his flat as it is. He still has a job, so why are you paying to clean up his shit? If he would rather be paying for alcohol than a cleaner, then that is up to him. You should not be giving him any money at all.

I really don't think that it is a good idea to have him at yours - it won't be long before both you & your H are consumed with what your brother is/is not doing/how much he is drinking etc. Your H will only end up enabling him further which ultimately will not help him.

And if you think that it will be hard for you to say no to your husband wanting to help your brother - well you need to think of the consequences that will arise from your brother living with you. It will be one big battle between you and your H - you really do not want to go there. Your H needs to go to Al Anon with you so he can understand that the only way you can help an alcoholic is to help yourselves first - you need to be better informed as to why 'you think that by doing what any normal human being would do to help is the very thing that will ultimately stop the alcoholic from seeking help themselves'

Sorry to sound harsh, but you have to stop taking responsibility - he has to learn to do it himself. You need to learn how to detach from the illness.

I wish you the very best of luck. SSX

Say NO please
my mum has 30 yrs alcohol addiction has caused irrev brain damage. we were eventually told she could def not be allowed around dcs due to danger and erratic behaviour so could not live with us.Her behav. was part memory and brain disease ,part usual behav. of severely addicted person.The whole thing was a nightmare.
You have to live thru this to know you can't fix it for someone else.
No matter how normal we made mums environment it would change to her env. of chaos,drink,danger,cigs,chaos.
agree with secret
also this new situation might revive the trauma of your mum.
can dh help your bro in bro's flat?
Stand firm, please
If he is not physically well can he stay under medics for longer,or can he transfer to psych for week or so.
If he discharges himself obviously spells further disaster

Well, I was hoping that his psych assessment would say that he had to be treated residentially but he has convinced them otherwise. I was fuming but DH has talked me down.

He is coming to ours on the 31st, but only until the 11th of January. He apparently really wants to go back to work on the 12th when he's due back. I may persuade DH to go up a couple of days earlier with him as DH has promised my brother that he will help him get the cleaners in / hire a skip / buy furniture. I think it is a good idea to acclimatise him to his flat again.

I'm reasonably ok with this.

DH knows we are not going to keep doing this. Anyway, we are going to live in Spain for 8 months at the end of January, so my brother will have to stand or fall then.

I'm going to start with the AL anon even if I'll have a gap while I'm in Spain.

He has been referred to a specialist alcohol treatment clinic where he will get one on one therapy. I don't really hold out any hope. Anyone have any experience of this mode of treatment?

No, I haven't so can't help you there. I'm sure that there were a couple on the other thread (partners of addicts) who had. If he referred himself then the omens are good. But if he has been referred by a third party, then the omens are not so good, because ultimately, he needs to be organising all this herself

There is Al Anon around the world - if you ring the GSO on 0207 4030888 they should be able to help you with that. Not sure if it's manned now - I somehow think that it's back open again on Jan. 2nd. 10-4pm.

English Speaking Al Anon in Spain

Oh thankyou AtheneNoctua - There is actually one quite near to where we will be staying.

Thanks Secretsquirrel.