Hi everyone,
I've begun to write several times over the last few weeks, but managed to talk myself out of it or am suddenly 'cheered up' into thinking things are all okay. I'll try to be brief, although this post might be a bit erratically written!
I'm a first time mum of 35, with a 9.5 month DS. Have a brilliant hands-on loving DP, stable career, home, etc etc. I won't bang on about my life being super duper but on paper its really happy. Unfortunately, I don't seem to be wired quite as normally as I'd like and so I often wonder if i'm actually capable of any happiness long term.
I've posted several times on the threads which discuss toxic parenting, or coping with sad or traumatic childhoods before. Unfortunately, I've suffered from clinical depression on and off since the age of about 15, mainly because of my parenting and upbringing which was damaging to the extreme. I've had a couple of residential hospitalisations, which were pretty traumatic in themselves(!) and I took medication for 5 years, along with many years of self-medicating with lots of drugs and alcohol. I managed to rid myself of all that stuff, including the prescription drugs about 7 years ago. Oh, and I must just add my sad and sudden marriage break up while living abroad into the mix.
I'm posting because I've 'coped' well for the last 7 years at managing my moods, mostly. I do have dips and troughs, periods (when I lived alone and was single) of binge, alcoholic-style drinking behaviour (though no drugs again) and I suppose I am what some may call a "navel-gazer" and highly pessimistic and cynical personality(apologies if this is all a little innapropriate, i'm trying to speak frankly about myself). So to the point...I feel like a depression is coming on. My DS birth was easy, the pregnancy was easy. Shortly after he was born I had the blues which lasted for a few weeks. But lately I've felt really truly down.
We live in London, and we don't have an awful lot of support here. Well actually we don't have any support at all. Our families all live outside of London, and to be honest, my own parents aren't people to be relied upon on a practical level and certainly not on an emotional level. Were I to call them up to talk about how I feel, its likely I'd be told to pull myself together quick-sharp or grow up. My best female friend has no kids and recently decided it would be appropriate to tell me how she feels very let down by how little time I give her nowadays and that I don't consider her feelings. I keep telling myself that I can't meet everyones expectations so to stop trying, but I guess its my own expectations of happiness that I'm not meeting....I'm just had a big argument with my DP where i've projected my own loneliness and isolation onto him by telling him he hasn't made enough effort to make new friends since we moved here!?
Despite prior good health, I've been continually ill with localised infections and viruses for about 2 months now, which is also getting me (run) down. I get plenty of sleep, as my DS sleeps through the night very well. My DP and I however, never spend any time together whatsoever; in the last 9 months we have been out twice in the evening to the pub around the corner, and not for about the last 5 months (but i know this is normal for a lot of people). Today I actually felt really angry I have given up my old life but if I sit and think about it, I was the same person in that life too! A depressed one!
After the birth, my HV kept a close eye on me and I told her everything was great (as I thought it was). I am considering calling her and telling her its all a big lie. I guess my question to myself is, am I depressed again (all the signs are there, including a vicious dose of daily paranoia, conversations/busy-ness/songs in my head and despising the way I look in a mirror) or have i JUST been let into the fact that this is IT, this is parenthood (lonely) and to get a grip on myself.
If you got this far, thank you!