How do you cope, as a mum day to day, with depression esp. going out?

[AeraLacol]

Name changed but am a regular just abit . Well, alot.

I have had some sort of depression for years now, and just live with it (in the sense I am used to it) but sometimes it dawns on me how empty and 'awful' my life is. The bottom line is I rarely go out. I cannot put my finger on why, it's a sort of fear I guess. I can go out, usually, with DH but have only been out without him a handful of times in the past year or so. I would stay in but it really not fair on the DCs. Plus it's making my life just a clock watching exercise - DH gets home at X time, only 2/3/4 hours to go etc. I just don't know what to do with myself though, as I really find it very hard to go out. I do not drive yet, and I have left it so long I am scared of learning now, and even if I did I am not sure what I would do. Does everyone else just make themselves?

Right - this stops NOW!!! well soon at least. You deserve better. You sound like you are suffering from anxiety which is causing your depression. You don't have to live with it, you really really don't. There is help out there and there is no shame in asking for it.

You are stuck in a rut and i can totally relate to it. I do the whole clock watching thing and then when DP gets home im so uptight from waiting for him we often fall out. I don't drive either, as terrified would be a good description!

But yes, you have to make yourself go out i think - but you don't have to do much. Even a walk around the block for some fresh air, it breaks up the day. A trip to the shop for a paper. I am happier when i have something "planned", even if that is just knowing that i have to walk to the council offices to collect bin bags. Just give yourself a reason. How old are your children? Could you take them to M&T, i FORCED myself to go and hated it at first but have made friends much to my surprise.

To be blunt, i think you need to see your doctor as if you let this go, you really will be too scared to leave the house. There is help out there, I take anti depressants and im having counselling, im hoping to come off the ADs soon. It might be that you just need to talk to someone.

But it is hard, depression or no depression to cope with the monontony (sic) of being a full time mum - its really bloody hard, just to konw how to fill the day, but your DCs will benefit from a change of scene - your mission for tomorrow, if DH isnt home - you have to go to the swings, feed the ducks, beach (i don't care if its cold! let them wear hats!) You'll feel better for it i promise. You dont have to go for long - half an hour, but you CAN do it.

Thankyou for the reply

My children are nearly 3 and 5 months. I went to M & T once, with DH though as DS1 can be a handful and DS2 is a pretty constant feeder. I have forced myself out a few times and then logistics come into it - DS1 doesn't like leaving the park, or won't walk somewhere, DS2 will cry for a feed. Last time I had to chase DS1 as he ran off then carry him home under my arm screaming pushing the pram with my other hand and I think why on earth do I bother, I just end up in tears. That's after taking 3 hours getting me and them ready, baby fed about 3 times and plucked up courage. How on earth do people go out and have nice normal lives ?? Sorry, I hate moaning b ut was thinking about NY resolutions but everything is near impossible. I should say I have been on ADs etc., stopped when pregnant. Depression wise I think I am better, definatly not bad enough for ADs again (am avoiding due to breastfeeding) but then I have a warped sense of normality now. Feeling good for me is not feeling suicidal, which is a stage which has long passed so the depression now feels normal.

I definitely know how you feel, I don't particularly like going out, have bad anxiety and depression which comes and goes.

I force myself out every day it's easier now as I have to take DD1 to nursery every day and DD2 to M&T twice a week and nursery 3 times a week. I tend to go shopping when I just have DD3 as she is easy at 5 months old. I very rarely go out in the afternoon as I have all 3 of them and the roads are busier.

I also count down the hours until DP gets in from work and if he says he is going to be late I am almost in tears.

I agree just even walk to the end of the road or local shop for a paper. And try again with M&T groups they have been my lifeline.

The practicalities of taking your children out will get easier with practice and as time passes. At the moment, I imagine that being depressed makes every obstacle or difficulty seem insurmountable, but maybe knowing that the obstacles and difficulties will get better might help you a bit now - I hope so.

I had PND after each of my three ds's were born, and looking back with the help of a psychotherapist, I now realise that I have been depressed since I was a teenager. Apparently it's not normal or ok to think about commiting suicide when you are only 14.

I'm on antidepressants, which do help a bit, but I have been aware for some time that I can get housebound very easily. We moved to scotland in the spring of this year, and before we moved, I had a group of friends who used to come and see me regularly - barely a day went by without at least one of them rocking up to drink coffee with me - which was great in one way, because I had company and support, but not so good in another, because I had little reason to leave the house.

I remember feeling the way that you do - I was in a flat with ds1 who was only 1, in a new town, knowing no-one, shy, and finding it a struggle to get us and the buggy in and out of a first floor flat. We had lovely neighbours who invited me to drop in any time with the baby, and offered me the use of their garden for a paddling pool, but I couldn't summon up the nerve/energy/resolve even to walk across the road to them - and I know I'd have been welcomed and would have had a good time if I had.

Since our most recent move, I have become somewhat reclusive. As my children are older - too old to need me at the school gates - I don't have that way of meeting people (the school gate is a great place to make friends, I promise you), so I have to find my own ways to meet people - and it has been a real struggle. I have joined an art class, and just before christmas, I met up with 2 other Glasgow mumsnetters and went across to the Edinburgh christmas night out - which was great. It is going to take time, though, and I can empathise so much with how you are feeling.

I would second the advice to consult your gp. There may be counselling available to you, or you may find that antidepressants help you get through the next few weeks and months until things feel a bit better.

I will keep an eye on this thread, and am more than willing to offer whatever support and advice I can.

Hugs.

Oh, i do feel for you i really do. I just have one three year old and i struggle sometimes. So my utmost respect to you for the two of them. The fact that you suffered with depression before makes you far more likely to be suffering from post natal depression. All those hormones up the spout, AND having to cope with two demanding children. I really think you should go back to your doctor - there are ADs that are safe with BF.

I just feel that with a bit of help you could actually enjoy your children.

So, lets think about some things to try, feel free to tell me to fuck off and mind my own business.

1. Visit to the doctor/HV, stamping of feet until you get some real help, counselling being a start.

1. Maybe consider medication for anxiety - thast for you and GP to decide.

1. Homestart - fucking godsend! Ask your HV about this, they can offer real help to parents of under fives. I used to go to a HS general play group, not really aimed at those with problems but just a nice friendly place for mums to go - the cool thing about it was that there were play workers there who can keep your eldest entertained whilst you attend to the youngest and vice verce, or both, while you havea chat to other mums. When you do this, you will realise that you are far from alone in what you are feeling. The most alpha mummy type mummies at my group (a very middle class bunch i have to say) were the ones who once i spoke to them, were the ones who really battled. Another thing they can do is send someone round to your house for an hour or so. Usually a mum who has experienced similar. A friend of mine had PND, homestart did this for her, it was lke a lifeline for her. IT was just another person to talk to, so she didnt actually have to go out. Definately look into this, homestart helped me immensly and as it was a general group they never actually knew i had problems, it was just nice that they were there!

1. Why is your LO a constant feeder? is it that he is latching on for comfort? Is he needing to go onto solids maybe? I BF for six months but had to supplement with FF as mine was feeding hourly and i was knackered.

(these are just thoughts) Could speak to the HV about some strategies to help with this.

1. How about nursery for your Eldest? My DD now goes every day for 2.5 hours, i dont get anything done in that time, but the "headspace" is amazing, just time to breathe. You are entitled to free session from the age of three so look into this. Its amazing how easy it is to get out of the house when you have to.

These are just ideas that might help, but i know how it is difficult to see through a haze of anxiety. I am worried that your hormones are doing this to you post natally and really do think you need to talk to the doctors. My PND was missed and i didnt get treatment for 2 years and i was almost certifiable by the time it was picked up, so i feel strongly that women need to make themselves heard with regards to this illness.

DS1 started pre-school within walking distance and I used to take him, but now that seems a massive feat again so DH wakes an hour earlier (night shifts) to take him. I do know that it being winter is part of the reason for that.
I have had couselling/therapy and I know the reasons why I am the way I am, as well as som of it just 'being there', i'm not really sure what else I could get out of it. Someone was even coming round to take me out but I found that torture, evetually I began to ignore the knocks at the door . In some ways I have been improving in leaps and bounds, but getting out seems so hard and pointless

just to add you can self refer to homestart from web page or phone book.
they are esp good at helping mums to get out [they go to m + t with you for e.g.]they do not say they are h/s it is totally confidential go for it they are nice people.

Sorry I am so slow - I get abit lost on what I am typing!
Thankyou so much for taking the time to post & help

HV/GP - Well, AD wise, I have been in extreme depression/ptsd in the past few years and did have medication for that, compared to that I feel much more 'normal' and personally not bad enough for ADs again. I like to think they are there for when I really need them. I considered Homestart a year or so ago, b ut being so shy I am so sensitive to 'judgyness'. Esp since i'd have to go through HV who I was pleased to see the ack of, she was very 'old guard' and patronising due to my age etc. I am scared of homestart being like that I guess. DS2 just feeds at the worst times! Like just as we are going to leave the park etc. He is still OK on milk, I will start solids when he is 6m. He isn't that bad, just seems to be whenever I am trying to get ready etc. DS1 does go to preschool 2 afternoons, 3 starting January, then will work his way up to the full 5 by the time he is 3.

What if someone at M & T recognised them as being from Homestart? Or asks?

it's like hiring a friend

yes know what you mean with being/feeling judged but do think h/s different
sometimes seems as if we mums are easy fodder for those "judgers" out there I wish we got the adoration and respect we truly deserve!
have some experience of the nightmare of pts can I ask what is yours?

You mean how do I experience it? ptsd? (sorry not sure if you mean 'nightmare of pts' being parent/toddlers?). I don't get full blown panic attacks, I call them more anxiety attacks and anything can trigger them, and flashbacks etc. Sounds/smells/music/sometimes that nip in the air during winter, sometimes I am just flooded with that sense of a quick flick backwards in time then forwards again and you're standing there just knocked for six. Sorry for random grammer etc, baby fedding at the same time!

The more you go to the park the easier it is to get your child out.

Make yourself a routine, look at the local leisure centre for activities which your son will like, go to the library, the park, the shops, take yourself out for lunch once a week.

If it's a long walk into town that exercise will help you too.

Make yourself go, starting is the hardest thing, once you are in the routine you will find it easier than staying at home. Do it for yourself and your children.

Keep talking here.

sorry x posts
the idea of h/s is a supportive friend to help you through what you're going through.
It is TOTALLY confidential to the point of if someone on the street or at m+t asks who they are they say "a friend"and they don't even tell their own families your details apart from contact ones.
If you're in a very small town etc they can get someone from out of town .

I think i'll look into h/s. I see no one apart from DH and DCs for sometimes weeks. Thankyou

sorry again!
yes I meant how you had experienced post traumatic stress.I had the same thing and I still get the feelings in the morning before I get up I wish it would go away completely.
re going out I think when you are a sahm its really important to build your own sense of self up,like your own time, build on employment prospects for future,do a course etc also really important to conquer your fears so take that first driving lesson and see how it goesetc.If you don't,your world gets narrower and more dependent.
Try doing one new thing every day from a haircut to a crossword.

It's hard to think too far into the future ATM, last time I tried to work (when pregnant with DS1) and had all this it was awful, trying to conceal 'anxiety attacks', having moments of feeling spaced out. My brain is abit fluffy to cope with learning too at the mo., as soon as I am back on the way up depression wise I'll try and get back into the swing of HE/doing a degree etc. I know what you mean abit the world narrowing, I have regressed in the past month but on the whole am ploughing forward, slowly. Just hit a brick wall with getting beyond the front door.

Keep meaning to say, I can/do go out OK with DH (sometimes takes abit of gathering myself together) but it's not the same.

Homestart is great. Some of the paperwork can be a bit patronising actually and i would always rankle at them providing healthy snacks thinking, christ, do they think we are not capable of feeding our children. But i soon got past that, in fact we all used to joke that on a Wednesday we didn't have to do lunch for the children . They would feed us mums too - crumpets and jam - yummy!! As i said, this was a general playgroup but it was kept small and there was none of the bull shit you get at other M&T groups, cliquey groups - i hated that and it would make me feel worse, but at homestart everyone was friendly. I would have days when i wouldnt want to talk so i would go and sit in the corner with my tea and there would be someone to play with DD. They provided activities to so it helps you to get involved and breaks the ice. Homestart helped me more than i can explain, i realise that now - it was my lifeline, and i wasn't referred, in fact i never even spoke to them about my problems, as far as they were concerned i didn't have any.

If you have a volunteer come to your house, they are closely matched so would have been in a similar situation and certainly will not be judging you. Most of the volunteers at our group were just really sweet.

You know that you can't let this continue, otherwise you wouldn't have posted on here.
You sound like you have been through a lot so i do understand how you feel about getting more help. And i totally sympathise re HV, mine was a patronising old bag! So, i went to see another one who i got on with. The first one, was the one who missed my PND despite being referred by my doctor - she came and visited, did a questionaire, told me i was clinically depressed and would be back - she never did come back, and two years later i was in my doctors surgery havng a mental breakdown .

You can just approach homestart, where abouts are you? As to whether other people recognise homestart volunteers, it doesnt matter really. If i saw a HS volunteer with another mum i would just assume it was her friend is all. There will always be people ready to judge for whatever reason - but we just need to remember that actually, people who judge do so often to make them feel better about themselves!

Your DH sounds wonderful, have you told him how you are feeling?

agree about homestart playgroups being friendly but think if you want help to get out and about a matched volunteer who has done the course will support you in this specifically.
I live in very rural area and there is a lot of isolation for mums round here .