need some support please

[feelingalone]

i have a 20+ year history of depression, ad's make me more suicidal and have done all sorts of counselling, accupuncture, yoga, nlp, hypnotherapy, natural remedies etc.....

i feel i am falling right now for so many reasons and although i know there are so many good things to be grateful for and i don't feel i can talk to anyone in RL, especially my dh who finds it difficult to comprehend why i could feel this way....

anyway to keep this as short as possible as baby and toddler napping and dh watching footie (thinking i am online sale shopping) but won't be for much longer i will bullet point what is bothering me...

• we bought a place may 2008 just before the credit crunch, property price tumbled... happy with the space but hate the location, totally missing my old location, local things to do and friends and very worried about getting dc1 into a decent primary school..... i.e. total remorse moving and now stuck as property price has tumbled but good point is we are on a tracker mortgage of 0.14 until 2010

• after 11 months of ttc #2 we conceuved nov 2007 to only miscarry end of dec, as that date approaches i feel so sad. we thankfully got pregnant again and now have a newborn totally in love with baby but in a way wish it was the other sex which makes me feel so guilty. everyone i know who has had babies or is pregnant has the sex i want or one of each and i am jealous...(i am being honest here)

• baby is small, lost weight after birth and dropped down the charts.. i am very worried

• dh and i are both tired (we have no family nearby to help with dc's) and feel our relationship is going downhill. i remember pre-children we used to go abroad over xmas and new year.. i miss those days although i'd rather spend time with our dc 100 million fold....

• i am missing the one on one time i used to have with dh, him being my priority in making things nice for him etc, i mean i got him nothing for his 40th, couldn't thnk of anything he'd want and was meaningful and feel so shit about it.

• i am still recovering from the birth and sore and have not had sex in months, i do not feel attracted to him and worry that's it...

• i am fat! nothing fits, i feel and look gross

• having major issues with my mum, having 2 x dc myself and maternal insticts so strong i realise now that the way my mum treated me as a child was not right (long long stories there)...

i KNOW i have so many things to be happy about but things seem to be closing in on me...

i'm sure there is more but no time

thanks for reading
x

Sorry you are feeling so low. Everything will seem unmanagable when looked at like that. The trick is to tackle one thing at a time. Even to justr accept you feel bad now, try to stop fighting it, it's natural to want to feel better but these things take time and if you feel you are battling all the time it just adds to the stress of everything.

It's okay to feel bad. Try to listen to yourself and dicern what it is thats bothering you most. Many of your problems won;t actually be problems at all, just the depression making you disatisfied with a lot of things.

Have to go now. Back later. Be kind to yourself. x

and your family x

How are you today FA?

There should be more people around today so I'm bumping for you

hi monkey, feeling a bit better today, thanks so much for posting and caring.. you are right many of my problems aren't problems at all and as always this will pass and i will soldier on.

Hiya, could you go and see your gp?

Hello have you had a chance to go out for the day with some girlfriends without kids a day to yourself to re-charge the batteries even a little bit? It sounds to me like you need a day/some time to get back some of the old you, the you that was before the children. Kids are bl**dy hard work esp newborn babies and you need some time for YOU!! Even a manicure/facial/pedicure might be nice sorry i know these are just short term suggestions but also try not to be too hard on yourself it sounds like you have had a lot going on in your life and having children brings up all kinds of issues.